What Is This Feeling?

Dear diary,

There is this guy. He’s nice or to me at least. I don’t know him that well but I know the things people say about him. I don’t really like him because of the things he’s done. He and my friend were involved and he harassed one of my friends and a few of her friends. I shouldn’t be talking to him, I’ve even face-timed him. Why am I doing this?

• Much hate, Annabell

Dear diary, 

He keeps asking me to hang out and that’s the last thing I want with him. I know it would break my friend to know that I have even looked him in the eyes. He’s nice to me. We already know a lot about each other and he told me how he feels about me but I don’t believe him. He’s just trying to use me.

• Much hate, Annabell

Dear diary, 

I think I’m catching feelings. This can’t be happening. Not for him. I can’t trust him especially after what he’s done to, my friends. Being around him is not safe. I think I’m just gonna keep talking to him as a friend. As long as I don’t hang out with him alone than there’s no harm.

• Much hate, Annabell

Dear diary,

Today I did what I had promised myself I wouldn’t do. I hung out with him, alone. It was actually really nice. We talked and walked together. He kissed me which I really didn’t expect. He then brought me into a forest area where he proceeded to kiss me. It was weird because I’ve kissed someone before actually on the same spot I had my first kiss but we made out. I had never made out with someone before today after we decided to make us official.  We were going to wait but we decided to just go for it. He bought me coffee than we went back to the spot. I feel like I’m being used and I told him that we wouldn’t work if that was all our relationship would be so we stopped. Why am I doing this? Why was he the first person I’ve done that with? Why did it have to be him?

• Much hate, Annabell 

Dear diary, 

It’s been a few days and we have face-timed every night. We are waiting to make it official because of the fact that he just got out of something with one of my friends. I’ve already told my close friends and the one that I knew would be hurt by all this. She hasn’t talked to me, I hope it will get better. I’ve gotten a lot of crap from those who know, I was expecting it though. To be honest I don’t really like him that much but I’m going to wait at least another week. Why do I make stupid decisions like this? 

• Much hate, Annabell

Dear diary, 

Today we made it public. People now know which has been both bad and good. I didn’t like keeping it a secret. People are telling me everything from I need to break up with him because he’s a cheater and manipulative to he’s the best guy and I’m lucky to have someone like him. Thankfully my friends are all talking to me again, guess they just needed a day or two to calm down. He walked me to most of my classes. It’s weird to have someone to walk me to class or to just wait for me because they want to. He askes me to hang out and always texts me first, it’s nice to have someone to rely on and he’s the first in a long time. It’s hard to find people that will stick around or stick to things they say and I love the feeling of knowing someones there. I’ve never really had that with anyone else except for the exception of one or two former friends. It hasn’t even been that long but it’s nice. We have almost nothing in common but I feel that we make it work.  He is interested in theater and that is about it. He is coming to help build our set tomorrow because, well he has to for the theater class but he said it is also to see me. I’m still trying not to get to attached, don’t know where this will go and I was just into a dark of a place to feel that way again even though I still have the thoughts. 

• Much hate, Annabell

Dear diary,

Today he walked me to all of my classes once more. He even remembered where most of them are or at least the order of which I have them and I could rely on him to be right there waiting. He remembers the little things that I tell him which really shows that he likes me and isn’t just playing with me. After tonight when he came to the theater he had seen some of my most crack head moments because theater is where I am most myself self but being like that in front of him is hard. Every time I get to comfortable people end up leaving. It was nice to work with him and have him there. I am excited for when he starts coming to rehearsals next week which will be tech week to watch me. Having him there will feel really nice. I’ve never had someone just do those kinds of things for me. It feels really nice. 

• Much hate, Annabell

Dear diary, 

We have officially been together a week. He’s nothing like what everyone tells me and I’m actually warming up to him. I’m still a little confused with how I feel about him but it’s ok because at least know I know I have someone who truly cares about me. 

• much hate, Annabell

Dear diary,

Today he asked me to meet his family. His sister came into town today with her boyfriend so he really wanted me to meet her. I was really nervous because I wasn’t sure how to act or what to say. I really didn’t talk that much because I am so much different from them that it was a little weird. They are very southern and although I have grown up in the south my whole life I am not. Their views are different than mine. The way I act is different but it is ok because I care about him just like he cares about me. This is the first time that I’ve ever been into a boy like this and I will just have to get used to it. 

• Much hate, Annabe,

Dear diary, 

Today we found out that we won't be going to school for the next two weeks which throws off everything because our show was supposed to be in the next two weeks. I want to see him at school as well and it is all because of a disease.

• much hate, Annabell

Dear diary,

Today we hung out once more and did some more things that I had never done before. it is weird because one moment I feel like we are great and the next it feels like he is using me for my body even though I know he's not, I'm just not used to this kind of stuff. I've already had so many firsts with him and we haven't even been dating that long.

• much hate, Annabell

Dear diary,

We have officially been dating for three weeks and today in that forest area where we first went he told me that he loved me. I was very hesitant because of the way I got left the last time someone said those three words to me to say it back and for a second I felt like he was only saying so that I would do more with him but after we left he said it again and I knew he was being sincere by the tone in his voice and the gaze in his eyes. I can tell he loves me even though I need more time. he was one of the first people that I told about my Depression and he listed. he made me talk about it and he cared. he didn't just simply brush it off and tell me to stop thinking like that he actually listened and was there for me as he has been which is why I think I may actually love him too... I don't think anyone has ever cared to listen to me speak about things that were that serious not even my best friends. I could get used to this.

• Much Loe, Annabell