Formosa: Only White, No Red

08.08.1949 (Mon)

A stranger was in our living room when I came home from school today. Auntie A-Mei told me he is the youngest son of a government official, “Your Father owe his Father big time, that why he here now.” She told me. I didn't understand what she meant until dinner time when Father announced at the table that Shi-Xing, the stranger's name, was going to stay with us for a while. He is taking a break from university, and his Father has decided that he needs some time to unwind and relax in the countryside.

“A-Xing,” Father seemed quite close to him already, “Make yourself at home. I am no fancy city person, but my house is well-equipped. If you need anything, don't hesitate to let either A-Mei or A-Dong know, and they'll take care of you.”

“Thank you, shu-shu.” His voice is soft and deep, with a slight scratch. “And thank you all for welcoming me here.”

“He is so tall,” Yu-Jie whispered into my ears. Ever since someone told him he should expect a growth spurt soon, he's been quite sensitive to people's heights, especially men's.

“His neck is like a giraffe's,” I whispered back, and we shared a giggle that made Mother shush us.

“How come he gets a break from his studies?” I asked Auntie A-Mei. I, for one, would also like to take a break from my studies.

“Oh, I no know,” She was combing my hair and getting ready to put me to bed. “City people have woes, I guess.”

I suppose that makes sense. Father always talks about how it's a blessing to live in the countryside during a time like this; it's almost a sanctuary from all the happenings in the world.

08.09.1949 (Tue)

I was shocked to find Shi-Xing reading in the garden this morning. I thought the whole point of taking a break from studying was not having to read anything.

“Good morning,” I was a little annoyed that he was sitting on my favorite bench, “Auntie A-Mei said breakfast is ready.”

“Oh,” He looked up at me, his eyes pierced through his gold-rimmed glasses. “I'll be right there. Thank you.”

“Why are you reading?”

“Why?”

“I thought you are taking a break from studying.”

He chuckled.

I hated that. It made me feel like a little girl. So I turned around and walked straight to the dining room.

After breakfast, as I was getting ready in the foyer, he walked over to me and said, “I hope that I didn't offend you earlier. I didn't mean to laugh at you or anything.”

“But you did.”

“I'm sorry. It won't happen again.” His smile was timid and appeasing.

“Okay.”

“Heading out to school? What year are you?”

“I graduate next year.”

“If you need any help with schoolwork, please don't hesitate to ask me.”

“I'm not a little girl. I can handle my schoolwork.”

“Oh no, that's not what I meant; I meant, you know, if you ever, not that you would, but sometimes...” His face started to turn red, which was immensely satisfying to watch.

“It's okay,” I spared him. “Don't worry about it. Thank you, but I gotta get going now.”

“Right. Have a good day!”

I secretly glanced behind me as I started walking and saw him looking at me with melancholic eyes.

What a broody person.

08.10.1949 (Wed)

This morning, I found Shi-Xing on my favorite bench again. He was staring into the pond and seemed deep in thought.

“Good morning,” I said it as gently as possible.

“Oh, good morning!” And yet, it still startled him.

“Are you going to be here every morning?” I asked.

“Is that a problem?”

“No. It's just...I usually come here in the mornings as well. And that's my favorite bench.”

“Oh, I'm sorry!” He jumped up. “Please take over.”

I sat down and watched him walk closer to the pond. His figure cast a lengthy shadow onto the water.

I suddenly felt a little guilty. “You can sit, too.” I scooped to the side of the bench. “It's big enough for sharing.”

“Thank you.” He smiled, and I noticed his dimples for the first time.

Sitting side by side on the bench with him, I felt this enormous energy beside me that made me anxious. I secretly peeked at him, only to find he was also looking at me. My face turned hot so fast that it propelled me to stand up abruptly. “I believe breakfast should be ready now,” I said to the ground between us and tried to walk away as non-nonchalantly as possible.

It was probably unsuccessful.

08.11.1949 (Thu)

I made sure I was early enough to be at the bench before him this morning. I sat and admired the pond like I usually do. After five minutes, I started to feel disappointed that he was not there yet, and then I felt silly. Why do I care? I now have the whole bench; it's just how I like it. But when he finally walked over and greeted me, I felt this warmth and giddiness in my stomach, similar to the nerves I'd feel before a big exam. He brought his book today. It was a book of ancient poems.

“I read so I can stop thinking about my own worries. And this is not about law, so it's not really studying.” He remembered what I asked him the first day.

“Who is your favorite poet?” I felt eager to show my knowledge of the subject.

“Well, it might be corny, but I favor Li Bai.”

“Really? I prefer Su Shi myself.”

“He was also magnificent. His artistic conception is unlike any other, so freeing and heroic.”

“Yes! Remembering Chibi was a masterpiece! He had a way of translating emotions into words and didn't need to drink himself to death for it!”

Shi-Xing's face cringed, and I realized I said too much. “I'm sorry, Li Bai was a real master. I just meant...”

“It's alright.” He smiled again; It soothed me. “I think Li Bai drank because he was so misunderstood by his political regime. He had such ideals but couldn't help make his world a better place.”

His smile turned bitter, and his eyes were again filled with melancholy.

We sat in silence until Auntie A-Mei came to get us for breakfast.

08.13.1949 (Sat)

For the past two days, Shi-Xing and I have been sitting together on the bench in the mornings. He seemed to lighten up more each day and started sharing more of his life stories. He was the youngest son and had always felt he was living in the shadows of his siblings. Even when he got accepted into the National Taiwan University, the top-ranking university, his father only patted his shoulders gently since his two older brothers were already top-notch students there. And with only one year in, his father decided that he had fallen with the wrong crowd and thus sent him here to the countryside with us.

“Wrong crowd? But you guys are in the best college.” I was confused.

“To my father, the wrong crowd is anybody that doesn't share the same political opinion as he.” There was a pang of anger in his voice.

“So he sent you here for some re-education and reform? Should you be helping A-Dong out with some labor work?”

“You shouldn't joke about things like that.”

“I'm sorry,” I felt reprimanded.

“I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't have snapped like that.” He sighed. “We live in such an odd and turbulent time, don't we?”

“Yes.” I just wanted to agree and appease him.

“What's your day like today?” He changed the subject.

“Same old, school. Oh, there's an anti-communism rally at my school later in the afternoon. I think I'll join...want to come with?”

“There are anti-communism rallies in high schools here?”

“Yes, we are not children. I'm not that much younger than you, you know?”

“Oh no, I meant no offense. I just didn't expect these activities here in the country. You don't see the propaganda posted everywhere, like in Taipei City, so I just assumed...”

“That we don't care? No. And I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to call the posters that.”

“Right.” Suddenly, he turned his sharp eyes toward me as if he wanted to look right through me. “Do you truly believe in those messages?”

I was speechless. I don't think I ever thought about this question or what my beliefs actually are.

“I'm going to go to breakfast.” I was embarrassed and started to walk off.

Suddenly, he stood up and grabbed my arm. “Please just remember,” his soft, firm voice rang through my whole body. " Never fall into anything blindly. ALWAYS think for yourself.”

08.21.1949 (Sun)

It's been about two weeks since Shi-Xing came to live with us. Every morning, we would sit together on the bench and chat. I hate to admit it, but it has quickly become the highlight of my days. We chat about everything, from how Auntie A-Mei always overcooks the vegetables and how Mother babies Yu-Jie, to the novels we read and the letters we wrote to our friends.

I like the way he looks at me, and his eyes always sparkle when he shares his ideas and stories with me.

I often asked about his Taipei city life, but that was the one subject he remained reserved about. I've only visited Taipei once before, and I was amazed by the number of people on the streets and the endless types of goods people sell. I've always wanted to visit again, and maybe Shi-Xing could take me there one day. That probably would be so much fun. I would put on the new dress that Mother had it made for me, ask Auntie A-Mei to braid my hair nicely, and maybe even put a little rouge on my lips.

08.23.1949 (Tue)

My uncle paid us a visit today. As always, he came bearing lots of gifts for us. He greeted Shi-Xing warmly and asked about his family. But when he started to ask him about his studies and university life, his expression changed, and then my uncle pulled him to the garden to chat privately. I tried to sneak around to listen to their conversation, but I could only get close enough to see the grim expressions on both their faces.

Afterward, my uncle called my parents to the sitting room. When Mother tried to stop me from entering, my uncle said to her, “Let her come in. She is old enough to know all this.” It was as if another world war had started.

“How much do you know about why Shi-Xing is here?” He asked my father, though the question sounded largely rhetorical. “He was involved in the underground communist newspaper!”

“He was only helping them out in minor ways.” I was surprised to hear this from Father. “His father vouched for him and said he was just persuaded by some bad friends. He's not really a communist, and after all this has died down, he'd return to school and finish his law degree.”

“He just admitted to me that he was an editor! And this is not dying down anytime soon. I hope you know that.”

My mother sighed.

“That law they passed earlier this year basically means they can practically arrest anyone they found suspicious or simply unpleasant.” My uncle continued. “They busted that communist newspaper about a few weeks ago, turned the National Taiwan University inside out, and they just arrested one of the major players. I bet he's being tortured and interrogated right now! What if he cracks and spills out all the people that were involved? They will round them all up and execute them, including anyone who helped them!”

A pause. “Do you know what I'm getting at?”

His words sent shock waves through my body. I felt the chill ran up my spine, and my stomach instantly a hollow hole.

My father remained silent. My mother sat closer to me and started to rub my back. She usually does this only when she is nervous.

There were a few moments of absolute quiet in the sitting room, with my uncle staring intently at my parents, and then he sighed, “Is nobody going to say it? You have to kick him out of the house!”

“He's just a kid, brother,” Father said finally.

“Do you think that's going to matter? We are in Martial Law! Anyone, including kids, I bet, could be considered a communist and get locked up. He is considered a fugitive right now, and if they find him in your house...think about it, brother, even with all your connections, do you think your family would be spared? Are you willing to take that risk?”

“No.” My father replied annoyingly. “What am I suppose to tell his father?”

“Tell him you've done all you can and can do no more. This is so much more than what you owed him.”

I've had enough. I finally found my legs and ran straight to Shi-Xing's room out of the sitting room. When he saw my face, he instantly knew, “You know now.”

“Why did you do it?”

“...”

“And why did you have to tell my uncle?”

“He caught on to me first; I must've been letting my guard down since it's so peaceful here. He told me what had happened to my friends. He is right, though; my presence here threatens all of you. I never thought I'd be putting you all in danger before he made me realize how severe the consequences are.”

I tried to take deep breaths, but my tears still started falling out of my eyes.

“Where would you go?” I started sobbing.

“I don't know yet.” He reached out and tried to wipe the tears off my face. His lean fingers caressed my cheek, and his melancholic eyes were glowing softly through his lens; I felt my heart pounding through my chest, I touched his hand, and he leaned in.

It was my first kiss.

08.24.1949 (Wed)

This morning, there was no morning chat with Shi-Xing. Father had arranged a transport for him at the crack of dawn. He was to go to the port, and his father had got him passage to somewhere that it was best for us not to know. “I will write you if I can,” he said to me before departing.

I felt that my heart had been torn in two, and I couldn't stop myself from crying. Auntie A-Mei had tried to console me with my favorite red bean cake, but it no longer tasted the same. The sugar on my tongue offered a fleeing sweetness that only reminded me of the sweetness that had fled my life.

I sat on our bench until it was time for dinner.

08.25.1949 (Thu)

Bad news. Shi-Xing had been arrested. The military agents had been one step ahead of us, waiting by all the ports. They picked him up immediately.

I asked Father if they were definitely going to execute him.

“May the Universe be kind to him.” Was his reply.

I hated that, and I could feel my sorrows turned into stone and made a permanent resident in my heart.

And I feel this anger like I've never felt angry before, compounded with layers of powerlessness and helplessness. I was stupid and fell in love with a communist, and this is what I deserve.

09.02.1949 (Fri)

I got a letter from Shi-Xing today. It was sent from an unknown location.

I looked at the ominous letter for a long time before mustering the courage to open it. His neat handwriting on the envelope reminded me of his beautiful fingers on my cheek, and I started crying instantly.

There was only one word in his letter.

“Goodbye.”