Trapped

'Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.'

You said if I just whisper your name that you will show up right where I'm at. So where are you? It doesn't feel like you are here. How could this be happening?

My mind began racing with thoughts of past things I could have done to deserve what was currently happening in this moment. I don't think he recognized me and I wasn't sure if I was glad or offended.

I definitely remembered him, every part of him. No matter how many times I tried to forget how his forehead wrinkled with tiny sweat beads stuck in between each wrinkle, holding the tiny drops back like a dam. The way his small, squinted eyes lit up like a night

time sky when he reached his peak. I remembered the straightness of his teeth, I imagine that came from years of braces when he was nothing but a kid. And his smell, the mixture of salt from his sweat combined with the sweetness of his cologne created a stench that my nose would never forget.

I've got to get out of here, I cant be stuck here anymore. I was sure I was sweating myself right out of my clothes and unsure if the conversation I thought I was privately having was still in my head-or if bits and pieces of angry and confusing words were being muttered aloud.

A nauseous feeling had completely taken over my entire body and I felt like a prisoner not only on this elevator but within myself as well.

There was only one more person standing between me and my past stuck together in this dark, hot box. A woman that looked to be in her late 40's. She was tall, thin and wore a blank stare on her face as if she had deleted every memory from her life that once existed. I knew she couldn't help me, I knew that she too was running from her past to freedom all the while remaining a prisoner to her mind. The stench of fear she wore was familiar to my own.

I closed my eyes and silently prayed;

"God, I know I stopped going to church and sometimes it probably feels like I only come to you when I need help. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. You see I'm terrified and I don't know what to do or how much longer I can be in here. Please just let me know you are here.

Amen."

I took a few deep breaths and opened my eyes, I carefully looked around the middle aged stranger to see what my past was doing. He was sitting down in the corner, his face planted in his hands. I imagined if his hands felt anything like they did when I knew them that he wasn't at all in comfort.

Those hands were strong enough that they managed to hold me down while he ripped off my skirt and proceeded to unzip his pants. Those hands were strong enough to wrap around my throat so that I couldn't scream and for days after I couldn't speak. Those hands were anything but comforting.

I felt as if my lunch and breakfast were both traveling their way up from my nervous stomach through my clenched throat and would make the grandest appearance of all in less than 5 seconds.

5, 4, 3, 2.....

The elevator, its moving! Its really moving. I quickly swallowed down the acid taste in my mouth as the lights came on and the elevator shot from the third floor to the sixth where it then stopped. I watched as my past moved around the tall stranger and exited the elevator. Just as the doors closed he turned and smiled acknowledging that he indeed remembered me.

I frantically pushed the buttons until I was once again on the ground floor and the minute those doors opened I shot out of the elevator like a crazed bull ready to meet my riders. I ran until I no longer had the stamina to keep going and just as I thought I was free, I ran head on into him. He had me once again, those same forehead wrinkles, those strong, hard hands. That familiar smell of fear washed over me as I passed out and crashed to the ground.

'Beep.Beep. Beep.'

I sat up startled and drenched in sweat. I looked around and realized I was in my apartment. Just me.

I proceeded to get out of bed and check my doors and windows. I was strangely sore, hopefully not coming down with anything. I proceeded to the bathroom to splash my face and as I looked up into the mirror I saw my neck covered in bruises.

'AAAAAHHHHHHH'

I fell to the floor and cried as my mind raced back and forth between reality. I wasn't sure what to believe anymore. Day seemed like night and nights seemed like months. Would this ever end?

After countless nights of not sleeping I was sure that nothing in my life was reliable. I couldn't even trust my own thoughts anymore.

Every moment of every day was consumed with his scent, his touch, and my fear. I hated this person and I wanted him dead but not more than I wanted him to suffer the same way I was suffering. I wanted his mind to become his biggest enemy so much to the point that it drove him into the arms of insanity.

As much as I wanted that, I knew that vengeance is the Lords not mine. So what was I to do? Lay down my faith to pursue what my mind told me was the right thing to do.? I was flooded with thoughts of prayer and scripture as the insanity pulled its hardest with thoughts of revenge and the scent of sweet, sweet suffering .

I couldn't even muster up a prayer so where did that leave my faith now?

'Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.'

Answer me. Please answer me.