A Hell of an Offer

Pentagram of salt… check. 

Black candle… check. 

Weird leather book I found in Dad’s closet… check.   

Ok… Here goes. Ahem.

Creatura male viventium in domo hac,

voco te!

Mercedem gratiam pro gratia. Ante me appare!

Hoc volo, hoc posco, Hoc tibi mando!

...

…

…

... NOTHING WRONG WITH A PLAGUE OF LADYBUGS, KAREN. LOCUSTS ARE JUST SO FIRST CEN—WHOA, WHAT THE– 

Dad?! Mom! What are you doing here?!

oh, hi honey... we were jussssst... looking, for... umm.... don, help me here...

HMM. THE CANDLE OF ETERNAL EVIL IS FLICKERING BLACK. WELL… THIS IS AWKWARD. JANET, SWEETIE. DID YOU HAPPEN TO TAKE A BOOK BOUND WITH HUMAN SKIN FROM MY CLOSET?

I may have—wait. bound with what?!

ssso that'ssss where your ssspellbook went. huh. imagine that.

LET'S NOT START WITH THE "I TOLD YOU SO'S" NOW, KAREN.

I was trying to summon a demon, and you two appeared in a puff of red smoke! Does that mean… Oh my God…

honey, watch the g-word. 

You guys are demons!! What the hell! I mean, I knew I was adopted, but this…

we can exsssssplain, janet. your father and I aren't demonsssss, not exactly.

Dad's got horns! And Mom, you've got like, snake eyes!

well yesssssss, but....

SEE, KAREN? I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE HAD THE TALK WITH HER AFTER THE COCO INCIDENT, BUT NOOO, YOU WANTED HER TO FIND OUT ‘ORGANICALLY,’ WHATEVER THAT MEANS. 

Coco incident?

don't you blame thissss on me, don. you're the one who inssssisssssted we pay for thossse latin lesssonsssss.

WE DISCUSSED THIS. SHE HAD TO LEARN EITHER LATIN OR SUMERIAN—

Hello? Coco? What the hell happened to my cat? 

or azzzztec. 

OH RIGHT, HOW COULD I FORGET AZTEC! BECAUSE PICTOGRAPHS ARE SOOO USEFUL FOR INCANTATIONS! 

here we go with the sssarcasssm again.

AZTEC, WITH ITS SWEEPING, GLOBAL INFLUENCE ON CLASSIC RELIG—

Stop!! I don’t give a shit about some dumb argument you're clearly having for the ten thousandth time. Can someone tell me what the hell is going on?

sure, honey. 

Ok. if you’re not demons, what are you?

WE'RE IMPS FROM THE 4TH CIRCLE OF HELL.

Fantastic. 

watch that tone with your father, young lady.

So, what, you used Coco for some blood sacrifice? You said we never found her because coyotes dragged her into the woods.

RIGHT. ABOUT THAT. 

…

Hello? I'm waiting.

IT WASN’T COYOTES. 

Which means? 

NEXT QUESTION.

I saw that side-eye you just gave Mom. Ugh, you totally sacrificed Coco, didn’t you? 

…NEXT QUESTION.

I'm going to throw up. 

jussst go ahead, honey. we won't mind.

I don't like how eager you sounded.

eager? I don't—

You like the smell of barf, don't you.

it’sss… a comfort food back home.

I think I actually called you barf-eating imps once when you grounded me for failing math. Must have been some kind of intuition.

WE HAD A GOOD CHUCKLE OVER THAT. NO, YOU'VE CALLED US MANY CREATIVELY INSULTING THINGS OVER THE YEARS, THAT ONE JUST HAPPENED TO BE RIGHT ON THE MONEY. SWEETIE, YOUR MOTHER AND I WERE SENT HERE ON A SPECIAL MISSION SIXTEEN YEARS AGO, THE DAY WE ADOPTED YOU. YOU SEE, THE BOSS NEEDS A VACATION. REAL WORKOHOLIC, THAT GUY.

even on eveningsssss and weekendssss.

BUT IT'S KIND OF AN IMPORTANT JOB. YOU CAN'T HAVE JUST GOOD AND NO EVIL, NOT EVEN FOR A SECOND. THE IMBALANCE WOULD… WELL... KAREN, HOW WOULD YOU PUT IT?

bring about the end of exsssssssissssstencsssssssse.

Ugh! Mom! Can you, like, talk normal? All that ssssssss crap is really annoying.

ssssorry. it'ssss the forked tongue.

DON'T BE RUDE TO YOUR MOTHER, JANET. ANYWAY, FOR THE BOSS TO TAKE SOME TIME OFF, HE NEEDS A REPLACEMENT. 

Isn’t there some type of temp agency in Hell? There's gotta be someone who can cover a few shifts. What about one of you?

NO CAN DO, HONEY. WE IMPS ARE EVIL, BUT NOT PARTICULARLY POWERFUL. DEMONS ARE EVIL AND POWERFUL BUT HAVE ZERO CREATIVITY. MOST OF THEM ARE ALREADY PRETTY BUSY WITH JOBS HERE ON EARTH ALREADY, ANYWAY.

I knew it! Politicians and CEOs, right?

NO, NO. TOO MUCH POWER. THOSE GUYS ARE ALL YOURS. WE KEEP IT MORE LOW-KEY. PEOPLE YOU INTERACT WITH EVERY DAY. THE GUY WHO CUTS YOU OFF MIGHT BE A DEMON WHO JUST DRIVES AROUND, CUTTING PEOPLE OFF ALL DAY. WE'VE GOT A FEW OF THOSE IN EVERY MAJOR CITY.

telephone sssscammerssss who call ten timesssss a day. old, cute granniesss ssslowly counting change ahead of you in line. hot people who randomly flirt with married ssstrangersss, never to be ssseen again but for a lingering memory and a curiosssity that never goesss away.

THEY'RE NOT ALL DEMONS, BUT ALL DEMONS HAVE ROLES LIKE THAT.

their sssole job is to passssively incsssite people to act on their wrath, gluttony, and the other deadly sssinsss.

YOU SEE, TO RUN HELL, IT TAKES A VERY PARTICULAR KIND OF EVIL. A REGENT OF DARKNESS HAS TO BE CREATIVE, THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX. YOU’VE GOT TO BE A MASTER OF MANIPULATION, CONVINCING OTHERS TO LIE TO, AND ABOUT, THE PEOPLE AROUND THEM. YOU HAVE TO BE ABLE TO SPREAD GOSSIP QUICKLY, EASILY, AND EFFECTIVELY. FINALLY, YOU MUST USE CHARM TO DOMINATE SOCIAL HIERARCHIES AND SOW BITS AND PIECES OF CHAOS WITH THE FASHION SENSE TO LOOK IMPECCABLE WHILE DOING IT. 

that’ssss where you come in. there’ssss no one more sssuited to the job than a popular teenage girl. we’ve been preparing you for thisss sssincsse we adopted you.

You want me to take over for the devil? I'm not evil!

HA HA HA! OH HONEY, HOW I LOVE YOUR SENSE OF HUMOUR. REMEMBER HOW YOU TORMENTED MARTINA CAMPOS IN 8TH GRADE? HER MOTHER TOLD ME SHE STILL CAN’T TOUCH ITALIAN FOOD!

Ok, fine, I was pretty mean to her. But not evil!

you convincsssed the whole ssschool that her ampitssss sssmelled like ssspaghetti and meatballssss. 

It’s not my fault people believed it so easily. I mean, come on! Start any ridiculous rumour with ‘did you hear…’ and you’ll be hearing it back third-hand by the end of the day. Plus, doesn’t Martina look like she smells like meatballs?

you’re proving the point, ssssweetheart.

No way. I was mean, like, once.

william davenport. 

He might’ve scratched the principal’s car! You don’t know he didn’t!

THE BERTRAND TWINS.

If their idiot parents can’t tell their kids apart without coloured wristbands, I don’t see how that’s my fault. 

THE ENTIRE SECOND FLOOR OF YOUR SCHOOL LAST OCTOBER.

That wasn’t my… my… ergh. Yeah, you got me on that one. That rotten seafood stink didn’t come out of the walls for weeks. Whoof. So, are you saying I’m an… imp? A being of inherent evil?

no, honey. You’re just… don? help me out?

YOU'RE KIND OF SHITTY, SWEETHEART.

 What?

SHITTIER THAN MOST, ACTUALLY. TOP HALF FOR SURE.

top third, i'd say, right in the sssweet ssspot between harmlessssly annoying and batshit psssychopathic. excsssiting, issn’t it?

Exciting?!

IT MEANS YOU’RE PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

Please tell me this is a sick joke.

mossst humansss are varying levelsss of shitty, on the ssscale of cosssmic jusssticsse.

it’ssss not your fault. it’s your ssspecsssiessss.

Great. That’s exactly what every daughter wants to hear her parents say. So why me? I mean, there’s got to be a million bratty teenagers out there.

IN AN ARMENIAN VILLAGE TAVERN, YOUR VERY DRUNK DISTANT ANCESTOR PUBLICLY BET THAT HE COULD BEAT THE DEVIL IN A HARPSICHORD DUEL, AND PUT HIS GRANDCHILD TEN GENERATIONS HENCE AS HIS WAGER.

That was not going to be my first guess.

think of thissss asssssignment assss a compliment. it’sss a very high profile possssition.

What would I even do? Stick bad guys with pitchforks all day? 

IT’S NOTHING YOU CAN’T HANDLE. YOU’D ACTUALLY BE ON EARTH A LOT OF THE TIME, NUDGING HUMANS IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

Nudging? 

SOMETIMES A BIT MORE, IF THEY’RE IMPORTANT. OR IF THE OTHER GUY SHOWS INTEREST IN THEM, TOO. 

The other guy? You mean G—

language, young lady! if you’re not taking Tog’ssss name in vain, don’t take it at all. 

Tog?

THE OTHER GUY. T-O-G.

Wow. Ok, Tog.

I SAW THAT EYEROLL. THERE’S A… IT’S A WHOLE STORY—

Yes, like I said. Fine. Tog. Whatever. He nudges too? And I’ll have to nudge back? 

EXACTLY.

So you want me to play some kind of game against Tog? 

exsssactly.

I make people do bad things, he makes people do good things?

YOU’LL LEARN THE RULES AS YOU GO. 

Fantastic. Playing for the souls of the dead, I imagine?

YOU’LL FIGURE THAT OUT AS YOU GO, TOO.

Five-star onboarding, guys. You're really selling it.

sssmartasssss. 

ONCE YOU TAKE OVER THE JOB, IT’LL ALL MAKE SENSE. I WOULDN’T WORRY TOO MUCH, SWEETIE. MOST PEOPLE COME TO OUR SIDE ON THEIR OWN. TOG GAVE HUMANS THE ABILITY TO THINK, AND FEEL, AND SENSE SO DEEPLY, AND SO VIVIDLY, THEN TELLS THEM NOT TO USE THESE INCREDIBLE BODIES AND MINDS AND THREATENS TO BURN THEM FOREVER IF THEY DO, THEN SENDS THE POOR, CONFUSED IDIOTS TO US WHEN THEY INEVITABLY BREAK HIS RULES.   

you’ll figure—

Yeah, yeah, I’ll figure it out as I go. Great. Got it. Can you at least tell how to refer to this eternal struggle you’re bestowing upon me?

THE WORD TO DESCRIBE IT IS IMMEASURABLY OLD, OLDER THAN THIS UNIVERSE AND MANY OTHERS. WITH SUCH AGE COMES A NAME THAT IS NIGH UNPRONOUNCEABLE BY ALL BUT THE MOST ADVANCED BEINGS IN EXISTENCE— 

dark lord, not thisss again…

—TRANSCENDING TIME AND SPACE, AND RINGING WITH THE VIBRATIONS OF REALITY ITSELF. WHEN SPOKEN BY A SKILLED TONGUE THE NAME OF THIS TRANSCENDENT OPPOSITION IS THE MOST MAGNIFICENT, PERFECT SOUND THAT A THINKING BEING COULD EVER EXPERIENCE.

here it comessss.

KAREN, WHAT’S THE NAME AGAIN?

shut up, don.

YOUR MOM CAN’T PRONOUNCE IT EITHER.

shut up, don!

SHE JUST ENDS UP SPITTING ALL OVER THE PLA—

ok, that wassss sssuper fassssscinating and not at all condessscending, don, thank you. any other quessstionsss, honey?

Do we… torture people? I don’t think I could handle that. Is it like, neverendingly unresponsive phone screens, that kind of thing? Or more like pineapples up the butt? 

torture? no, no, that’sss jussst tog projecting, asss alwaysss. most human levelsss of hell are basssically jussst like here, excsssept… well, without him.

YOU WANT TORTURE, GO TO HIS PLACE. YEESH.

Heaven is torture? Come on. Clouds and angels and harp music and good people everywhere. How bad can that be? 

THERE’S NOTHING.

No harps? No clouds?

THERE’S YOU, AND HIM, IN AN INFINITE VOID, FOREVER. 

That's... not quite what I expected.

PEOPLE WHO SPEND THEIR LIVES FOLLOWING HIS RULES ARE REWARDED BY THE HONOR OF SITTING BY HIS SIDE, KISSING HIS ASS FOR ETERNITY. LITERALLY. THAT'S IT.

That’s the most horrible thing I can imagine.

right? why do you think we try to push humanssss away from him? and the hell you imagine, fire and pain and butt-pineapplesss. that's the eighth level of hell, ressserved for people who go to hisss placsse, but at sssome point during eternity, don't praissse him sssincssserely enough. he hatesss that.

Will I have to deal with G– I mean, with Tog?

it’sss unlikely.

UNLESS HE TRIES TO DROWN THE WORLD AGAIN. 

oh. true. that one time wasss sssuch a messss.  

IT’S JUST… A THING HE DOES, JANET. WE'RE CONSTANTLY STOPPING HIM FROM DROWNING THE WORLD. HE THINKS IT’S FUNNY. JUST SHOW HIM SOMETHING SHINY. HONESTLY. HE DISTRACTS EASILY. 

Ok, so to clarify: you’re telling me I have to manipulate humanity and, oh, I don’t know, potentially prevent a global frickin’ genocide, in a direct, one-to-one battle against the omniscient-yet-strangely-dim creator of the universe. Did I get that right?

MORE OR LESS, EXCEPT THE CREATOR PART. HE’S CLOSER TO A DEPARTMENT MANAGER OF A MID-SIZED BRANCH WITH AN OVERACTIVE EGO. ALL SPIT, NO BILE.

I take it that’s an imp phrase.

janet, ssssweetie, it'sss a bit earlier than we'd hoped, but after today, we think you're ready. your incantation wasss perfect, and I’ve never been sssummoned ssso sssmoothly. besssidessss, every cssssssentury in hell is only one ssssecond back here on earth. you'll be back almost instantly!

Nope. No way. Imps or not, you’re just trolling me, or testing me, or something. I don’t believe that you trust with that kind of responsibility.

OF COURSE WE TRUST YOU, SWEETIE! 

Oh, really? I’ve got an earlier curfew than all of my friends, you track my phone, you won’t let me have any friends over. You don’t even trust me enough to go to a cabin on the lake for the weekend! And somehow I’m capable of ruling over an entire dominion of evil? 

cabin? lake? thissss isss the firssst I’m hearing of it. don?

UH-UH. NOPE.

Well, duh. I didn’t even bother telling you, because I knew you wouldn’t let me go. You guys are always so unfair. Why should I agree to run Hell for you if you won’t even let me go to a cabin party with my friends?

WELL, SWEETIE, I SUPPOSE WE COULD TALK ABOUT IT...

Tell you what. I’ll do the stupid devil’s stupid job for two stupid centuries if I get to go to Mark’s lake party this weekend.

janet, you know we don’t approve of – wait. who’sss mark?

A guy from school. 

I'LL LEAVE THIS ONE UP TO YOUR MOTHER. KAREN?

Ok, sssweetie. but i want hisss parentsss number, and the addressss of where you'll be ssstaying.

I want the latest iPhone, too.

sssssigh. don?

FOUR CENTURIES, AND YOU HELP WITH LAUNDRY MORE OFTEN.

Three, I’ll do the laundry, and I also get a new cat. I miss Coco. 

how about an iguana? Or a goldfish?

Huh? Why?

YOUR MOTHER HAS HER OWN ETERNAL STRUGGLE. 

really, don?

PUT HER IN A ROOM WITH A SMALL MAMMAL AND HER JAW JUST STARTS UNHINGING REFLEXIVELY.

Mom… you didn’t… Coco...

we all get a bit sssnacky sssometimesss, sssweetheart. 

So gross. Fine, I’ll get a tarantula instead. We have a deal?

SURE, JANET.

Yesssssss! This weekend is going to be sssssoooo sssssweet!! I've got to call Maggie right away!

...

SHE REALLY DOES TAKE AFTER YOU, DEAR.

oh? and what'sssss that sssuposssed to mean?