Simply Another Secret

They grow up in stops and starts, she finds the quiet corners and he drags her to the loud ones. She sits beside her father at court, and he winks at her from the crowd. 

Together, they learn how to read and write and add numbers.

And together, they orbit until they can no longer pull away.

They read, once, about twin gods. Brother and sister separated from birth, desperate to be reunited.

They decide that is the type of love they share. They are right.

At sixteen the Crown Princess is expected to enter an engagement. She meets a dozen men and befriends a few and something terrified and disgusted twists in her stomach.

At eighteen the Crown Princess has not entered an engagement. Her parents begin to worry.

They are sitting in a reading room when the plan is hatched. She complains about her parents’ ultimatum, find a husband or they will find one for her. He looks at her softly. “What if I marry you?”

“You do not love me.” She says, “not like that.”

“I don’t. But I don’t have to, I love you enough to not want to see you hurt.”

“If you marry me you can not marry anyone else.” She points out.

“I can have mistresses, can’t I? And you could see other men, it’s not uncommon.”

“I don’t want to see other men.”

“Other women then.”

She sighs. “It’s not-."

"Marry me and this won't be a problem for you anymore"

"Okay."

It is an ill-thought-out plan between two desperate teenagers. By the end of the week, they are engaged and they add this to the list of simple secrets only they know. 

Her parents smile and congratulate her. "He is a good choice," they say. "Aren't you glad we let you do this?" 

The other nobles murmur, "it's about time" they say, "I knew there was something going on."

Together, the betrothed pair giggle behind closed doors, elated at their successful deception.

The engagement is a happy affair. They are more strictly monitored, but they spend their days laughing and pretending to court and they do not have to kiss once.

The wedding has a weight to it they were not expecting, they say their vows in front of an entire kingdom and try to rationalise every word.

That night they sit on the edge of a bed and attempt to not think about what they are expected to do.

The next morning they are sent glares from her parents.

The morning after that there is blood on the sheets and they can not look each other in the eyes.

But their marriage eases, and eventually, her stomach rounds and people talk about how lucky they are to be in love.

She watches her friends get married around her, and agrees.

One evening he enters their room with the name of a woman falling from his lips. This is a test, she thinks, but all she feels is relief that it is not her name he reverently whispers.

"I am glad for you." She says, "but be careful, they will not understand."

He waits until their child is born. The child is too early and too small. When he is allowed to see them the room is hauntingly quiet. Then a slow, gurgling cry emerges, and he sobs with relief.

They are warned not to try again for several years, and they pretend to be disappointed.

Despite how much she didn't want this, she decides this red-faced, blubbering baby girl is the most beautiful creature she has ever seen.

A year into their daughter's life, they decide he should pursue his mistress.

The mistress is beautiful and smart and she does not understand. Because the crown prince is lingering in her space, kissing her hand and smiling. And his wife nurses their child and laughs when she blushes. 

The child fusses, and the princess throws her a wink when she leaves them. Alone.

Despite how much she wants to, she will not ruin this marriage.

"We must tell her."

She sighs, "Our love has been good for morale, even an affair is pushing it. If this gets out…”

“She’s just too good! Oh her kindness is unparallelled, she doesn’t want to ruin our marriage. Truly-”

“Yes yes, you are in love, but just, don’t tell her yet, wait until we are more stable.”

The funeral of her parents is a sombre affair. A wife holds onto her husband's arm and cries, their daughter does not understand and will not until many years later. And suddenly, with a jolt and a painful, ripping feeling she is the Queen.

They have another child, his legs are twisted and he will never walk and they are informed far more harshly to not try again. 

The mistress-to-be watches, and does not understand.

The children always knew the nature of their parent’s relationship. That their love is deep and steady but they do not share the same bed and they never kiss and it is not the love they are supposed to have.

They do not understand why the mistress denies their fathers advances, do not understand the looks of pity she throws at them. It is not a secret, they think. Because their mother lounges and laughs in their fathers face when he moans on lost love. Why would she care? She has a kingdom to run.

That's what they tell her and then delight in her look of confusion.

And as the children grow, the mistress watches, and something clicks.

Something about how they act together. At first, she had thought it was an arranged marriage, loveless and cold. But that is not it, there is a warmth there, slow and gentle and she is so very jealous.

Eventually, the Queen visits her chambers and very bluntly asks if she can sleep with her husband.

"Your dedication to the sanctity of my marriage is noted. But he is becoming insufferable."

She said it as though it made everything so simple. In a way, it did. She fit into their life so neatly, and when the children referred to her as ‘the woman dad’s in love with’ they did it as if it were not strange at all.

Of course, it had to be a secret. They may act like the king being openly in love with another woman was acceptable, but it was not.

“I’m glad you’re here,” the queen said to her one evening, “He sacrificed a lot to marry me.”

She wrinkled her nose, laughing, “Could you even imagine it? Me and him?”

She could imagine quite easily, but she didn’t say that. 

They are discovered by a lord. A man who wishes to know secrets simply for the power to keep them. He suspects and he investigates, and he learns.

He does not think himself a bad man, and he is right, as it is hard to find truly bad men. And the Queen is young and beautiful and she must be so lonely if her husband is always so absent from her bed. 

She must know, he thinks. But she does not act like a jealous wife. She does not scowl when they are together and she does not treat the woman who stole his heart with disconnect. There is only one explanation.

An arranged marriage, and even if not, it was clear that that infidelity was not an issue for her.

A plan forms, born from a man who is not entirely bad, and who might actually be quite lonely.

"I appreciate your offer, but I am quite happy in my marriage."

He had not made an offer, he had only just begun to imply the idea of an offer.

Maybe she doesn't know, he thinks, maybe she is under the impression that her husband loves her. It would be cruel, to let this go on. But it would be stupid to make an enemy of the king.

He tells her, in underhanded comments and observations and he watches as she understands, as her eyes light and he waits to see the fury, the comprehension. And he finds nothing

No, not nothing, amusement, she finds this funny.

Maybe he was wrong, maybe the mistress is her lover, maybe they share.

He does not understand and, watching her excuse herself to talk to her children and husband, he decides he never will.

It is simply another secret to know.