Sleepless Night of an Overthinker

Dear Diary,

Again, tonight, I couldn’t sleep. It’s been like two days straight that I could not even close my eyes. Even if I did, all I knew was it’s already morning. Why can’t I sleep? I don’t even know the answer to this. I tried to sleep but it’s no use.

Should I go to see a doctor? Why am I like this?

I guess it must be because I’m always thinking a lot before sleeping.

You know that I’m such an over-thinker, right, diary?

I hate myself you know.

I hate myself for always thinking negative thought.

I hate it when I always thought that he might not love me like how I love him.

I can’t help it but to think a lot about that person. He always been popping in my mind but do you think that he ever think about me?

Maybe he did, but not as much as me though.

Dear, diary,

I know he’s been busy with his work lately. He’s a medical assistant, of course he’s busy especially during this kind of situation. It is school holiday, of course he’ll be busy with a lot of patients.

I guess I couldn’t sleep because I’m worry about him. I’m worry that he might not get enough time to rest or eat.

But, that’s not the only thing I’m worry about though.

Dear diary,

You know me well about what happened lately. You know how much I’m scared to lose him. I’m scared that we might not be able to, you know, stay more than lovers. I had always scared about those thoughts to the point I couldn’t sleep tonight.

Not just tonight, but also for the last two nights too.

The thought of having a text from him saying that we couldn’t be together scared me a lot.

Am I thinking too much?

Am I worrying too much?

I still remembered the last time he said that he might be set off with a girl chosen by his family. That moment, my heart sank.

I cried a lot that time. I couldn’t believe my ears.

Being in long distance relationship ever since the beginning is really tough. I had to keep convincing myself that everything going to work out for the two of us. But hearing that news, it made me lose my confidence.

However, you know, diary, I gotta keep my posture up. I can’t give up on him and our relationship. I won’t give up but still why am I always overthinking about it?

Why can’t I just be like a normal girl who don’t think too much?

I hate it when I’m in the state to break down anytime and whenever I’m overthinking.

All this thought have been preventing me from getting my sleep.

Should I stop thinking about all these and sleep? I doubt it’ll work out.

I wish I could tell anyone about how I feel. However, no matter how much I want to say what’s in my thought, I always stopped.

Being someone who has anxiety and depression, it’s really tough to tell what’s on your mind. It’s not because I don’t know what to say. It’s because I always have these thought;

What if he said something that I’m scared to listen?

What if, he didn’t love me?

What if, he really is going to marry that girl chosen by his family?

What if he doesn’t have choice but to do so?

Urgh!!!

My head in a mess again.

Even when writing these down, I could feel the emptiness trying to return.

I hate this feeling, the feeling where I feel sad but I couldn’t cry. I want to cry but I can’t and at the same time, I felt a hole inside my heart.

Dear diary, I’m really grateful to have you to write down all that I have been feelings and the words I couldn’t say in real life. I tried to speak what’s on my mind but this anxiety stopped me.

I know, he’s been worrying about me especially when he knew that I have these mental illnesses. I also knew that he always tried his best to text me and call me whenever he has free time.

There was one time that he called me during his break. He asked me about my condition and he even apologized for not spending more time with me.

He sounded very guilty and tired.

I couldn’t help but silently cried because I missed his voice so much.

Now thinking that back, I do miss his voice. It’s been two weeks or maybe more since the last time I heard his voice.

He always called me whenever I couldn’t sleep. He didn’t know it but it’s like a coincident when he always called me up during me being insomnia.

However, these days, he’s too busy that he couldn’t even text or call me. I know it because these weeks are the weeks where he’s busy as hell.

Should I go to sleep now?

Even if I did, I doubt I could though.

Ah, I really want to sleep so badly. My eyes turning into panda now. I’m pretty sure if I send my selfie to him, he’s gonna notice it and totally gonna nag.

It’s not bad though hearing him nagging.

Gosh! Now I miss Ed so much…

Hmm, should I try text him tomorrow? What if it’ll disturb him? What if…

See? That ‘what if’ questions popped out again.

Oh my god! Why am I like this?

Sometimes I wonder how did I survive being like this but this is who I am right?

I should love myself though.

Hmm, dear diary, I think I’m ranting too much on you. Thanks for listening though. I’ll try my best to sleep.

Hmm, the night sky was beautiful though.

Oh? There’s a full moon out there.

I guess I should do some stargazing or should I call it moongazing, does that word even exist, haha.

Dear diary,

That’s all from me tonight. I’ll write again tomorrow morning. Wish me to be able to sleep or maybe receive a call from my beloved, Ed.