Inner Voices, Outside Love

There were as many stars in the sky as there were people on the Earth.

Why would she choose me, if there were so many other people out there?

Oh God, she was gonna say no.

I raked a hand through my hair as I watched the waves tumble on the shore, listening to them send their rhythmic melodies over the beach. The sea foam ran up the sand, teasing the late beach goers, all of us supposedly waiting for the sunset. The sun wafted over a soft heat that was strangely comforting and warm. There was a soft whimper next to me, and I sighed and looked down at Echo. "What, are you nervous too?" I teased as I ruffled the Border Collie's ears, his tongue hanging out happily.

His blue eyes were filled with excitement as he wagged his tail and jumped up, licking my face in excitement. With a gag, I pushed him away. Echo yipped, stretched, and then bounded towards the sea. His paws kicked up wet sand behind him until he splashed in the water with a yowl, pouncing on the waves, as if he could shock them with fear and stop them from coming.

The sequels of excited children drifted through my ears as I reached into my pocket and pulled out the small case, popping it open. Inside was a delicate diamond ring, a three carat purchase. The jewels gleamed in the warm light of the sun, emitting a sparkle into my eyes. Nervously, I tried rehearsing the words aloud.

"I love you so much. I want to spend the rest of my life with you," I tried, taking a shaky breath. "Mary, will you marry me?"

No.

I cursed aloud and slapped my forehead. "Shut up, I don't need you right now," I scolded to no one in particular.

The voice in my head decided that today would be the right day to drive my thoughts mad.

The case found its way into my pockets again as I squeezed my eyes shut and inhaled the sea breeze. If everything went right, Mary would be here in five minutes.

"Joel?"

My eyes popped open and I scrambled to my feet. There she was, standing right in front of me. Her brunette hair fluttered in the soft wind and her honey sweet eyes sparkled with happiness and adoration. "M-Mary!" I stammered, not expecting her arrival so soon. "You look beautiful."

She gave a soft smile as she closed the space between us and gave me a careful kiss on the cheek before wrapping me up in a hug. Her warmth seemed to envelop me as I hugged her back, hoping she couldn't hear my pounding heart against hers. "Thank you! You don't look half bad yourself," she joked, and I couldn't help but laugh despite myself.

"Funny," I drawled as I led her to the small blanket I had laid out.

We sat down and I pulled out a few glasses I had brought from home, and pulled out a bottle of wine. Mary raised her eyebrows with a mischievous grin. "Are we being fancy tonight?"

"Maybe, m'lady," I said cooly, laughing as she playfully nudged my shoulder with her's.

"Oh shut up."

We poured each other a glass and sat there, watching as the colors of the sun bled onto the sea, making it shimmer with a bright glow. Echo came running back to the blanket, shaking his fur dry. The droplets of water splashed over us and Mary laughed. "Echo!" she exclaimed as the dog wandered over to her, laying over for a "well deserved" belly rub.

I watched fondly as she scratched him, Echo whining contently. But every time I found myself enjoying the moment, the image of the ring slammed into my mind. I gulped nervously at the thought, wondering how it would all play out.

What if I didn't seem convincing, or what if she wasn't ready?

She could reject me, and that was the one thing in life I feared the worst.

Rejection.

Friendship would always be something dangerous to me. To me, it was like giving someone a gun and pointing it at my heart, fully loaded. That person could have their finger on the trigger at all times.

Most people pulled the trigger.

Would Mary be one of those people?

"Joel?"

I blinked out of my thoughts to find Mary's hand on mine, her eyes filled with concern. The sun was a bit lower now, already starting to disappear below the horizon. Guilt filled my stomach and my cheeks grew hot. "I'm sorry," I murmured as I took her hand and pressed it softly against my lips. "I was just thinking..."

Slowly, her lips melted into a smile. "Well, if that's all, I have a surprise for you."

My heart stuttered in my chest as I watched her reach into the purse she had brought with her. Echo wandered over to the bag and stuffed his snout inside, but Mary pushed him away gently with a small laugh as she pulled out a book of some sorts. With her cheeks as red as roses, she carefully held it out to me. "Happy birthday, love," she cooed.

I had forgotten it was my birthday.

All my thoughts had been focused on the proposal.

And it still was.

I took the book in my own hands and ran my fingers over the cover, which was a smooth leather. Casting her a confused look, I opened it.

All the pages were lined with pictures of us. On our first date, on our first vacation, every single memory I could think of was right there. "Wow," was all I could say.

"Do you like it?" she asked nervously, putting a hand on my forearm.

I laughed and gazed lovingly into her eyes. "Like it? Baby, I love it! Thank you so much!"

Quickly, I wrapped her up in a hug. It was to show my love and appreciation but also... to remind me that she was real. That this was real.

That it wasn't just a dream.

That I had finally found someone who loved me.

She's going to say no.

I blinked as Mary pulled away and continued to stare at the sunset. Echo turned toward me with a tilt of his head, his ears raised. He sniffed the air, as if he was tying to find the threat that had cause me to feel so distressed.

But he wouldn't find anything, because it was all in my head.

The minutes ticked by as Mary and I murmured sweet nothings to each other and talked about our days, looking at the perfect picture book. My birthday present.

There were all sorts of reasons why I forgot about my birthday.

Foster families weren't always as kind as they seemed.

Kids were cruel.

The sun was barely hanging over the horizon, a pink and orange color coating the sky, which was beginning to darken. Mary was leaning against me as I smiled. Echo was slumped against the sand, his head between his paws.

"This is perfect, Joel," Mary sighed.

"I'm glad you think so, my love," I whispered as I held her tighter. My heat began to pound as I realized that I had to do it now. "Mary, I have to ask you something."

I slowly rose to my feet, and Mary rose up with me. "Joel? What is it?"

She's gonna say no.

I smiled, trying to ignore the voice. "Don't worry..."

Everyone in your life has rejected you, why would she be any different?

I blinked. The words stung. The back of my mind began to buzz, and I could feel my heart hammering in my ears. For a horrifying second, it seemed like I wouldn't be able to propose. I would collapse to the ground in a heaping mess, battling m inner voice. It would be horrible.

But, I finally found the courage to kneel down on one knee. Mary stared at me, not knowing what to say. Echo yipped excitedly. The ring case produced itself in my hand, but my throat ran dry.

She doesn't want someone's who's in their head a lot.

"Mary," I started, trying to form the words as I went, "I love you so much. No words can describe the way I love you."

She covered her mouth with her hands, and her eyes started to well up. Time itself seemed to stop as I popped the ring case open and held it up to her.

She's going to to say no.

"Mary," I said, taking a quick breath, "will you marry me?"

She blinked, then through her cupped hands, "N-"

I felt my breath hitch.

Of course, why would she she say yes.

You're pathetic.

"Never thought you'd ask."

She's going to say no.

"Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes!"

I blinked. Mary tackled me into the sand and I let out a crushed laugh as I felt her press her lips against mine. I wrapped my arms around her, feeling my eyes well with tears.

She was mine.

She was mine.

She loved me and I loved her.

Why would she choose me, if there were so many other people out there?

It was because we had the thing I had longed for all my life.

Love.

I could almost hear the voice in my head laughing apologetically.

I guess I was wrong.