No Worries

Are anxiety and/or depression interrupting your life? Millions of Americans suffer from these debilitating mental conditions. For generations, they have pushed forward and persevered, but now there is hope in a revolutionary new drug called BRAINEZE.

Maybe you think you’d be better off dead, because no hope in this insane, cruel world continues to spin in the same old patterns, year after year, generation after generation, until the Apocalypse frees us from our misery and takes us home. Do you want to release the burden and live your best life? Can you see yourself free, living in abundance and joy every day of your life, without worry, anxiety, panic attacks, or overwhelming sadness plaguing you every minute of every day?

Yes, you can! BRAINEZE is your key to a magnificent life.

Don’t suffer! Ask your doctor about BRAINEZE and free yourself from the chains that bind you to darkness. Step into the light, and succeed with BRAINEZE.

Side effects may include:

Headaches

Fatigue

Nausea

Explosive Diarrhea

Muscle aches

Fainting

Swelling

Rectal bleeding

Poor circulation

Gas leaks

Paranoia

Depression

Toxic positivity

Heartburn

Indigestion

Ulcers

Inappropriate memes

Viral videos

Layoffs

False accusations

Confetti

Dandruff

A losing season for your favorite team

Mistaking salt for sugar

Evidence stacked against you

Scratchy towels

Humidity

Alarms

Cliques

Favoritism

Isolation

Meetings

Your favorite places are closing

Micromanagement

Nitpicking

Neuroticism

Cold showers

Rattling radiators

Printers that won’t print

Poor gas mileage

Inconsistent Wi-Fi

Bluetooth failure

Seizures

Sweating

Excess mucus

Cramping

Rising mortgage rates

Temporal distortion

Blurred vision

Hallucinations

Discharge from orifices

Nightmares

Existential crisis

Existential threats

Quantum Displacement

Propellant fluctuance

Losing lottery numbers

Hallmark binges

Ruts in the driveway

SPAM in your email

SPAM on your plate

Loss of taste

Empty shelves

Too much starch

Lost dry cleaning

Caffine withdrawl

Dehydration

Reheated fish in the microwave

Itchy sweaters

Enhancement of smell

Tingling in your butt cheek

Tinnitus

Tendinitis

Floaters

Alien invasion

Rifts to parallel universes

Electromagnetic Pulses

Chest pain

Rising interest rates

Lower return on investments

Boomerangs

Ringing telephones

Squeaky chairs

Squeaky shoes

Whistle in the nose

Glares

Atmospheric instability

Probes

Heat domes

Rising grocery prices

Delivery delays

Tangled underbrush

Sentient Artificial Intelligence

Deflating rafts

Overturned surfboards

Flight delays

Train derailments

Awakening the Kracken

The Loch Ness Monster sightings

Constipation

Cavities

Lockjaw

Lockboxes

Relocation of remote controls

Power surges

Septic backup

Blown fuses

Exploding transformers

Earthquakes

Tidal Waves

Orbs

UFO’s

Being outsmarted by a parrot

Transferred calls

Weaponized ignorance

Burning dinner

Excessive advertisements

Hives

Coyotes chasing road runners

Spatial anomalies

Excessive meetings

Conspiracy theories

Broken elevators

Bad taste in the mouth

Turnip greens

Static on the radio

Missing downloads

Missing uploads

Malfunctioning software

Wobbly washers

Bad golf scores

Fishing spots so secret that even the fish don’t know about them

Stinky AirBRB

Lightning strikes

Skin discoloration

Leaks

Failure of facial recognition

Tangles

Poor coordination

Inappropriate attire

Emanating odors

HVAC malfunctions

Noisy neighbors

Blurred vision

Incorrect passwords

Aphasia

Backstabbing

Short screen lock times

Bad haircuts

Joint pain

Bloating

Geothermal wells

Windmills

Spontaneous outburst of farm animal noises

Changes in the Jet Stream

El Nino

La Nina

Hurricanes

Tornados

Avalanches

Gout

Poor parking spaces

Traffic

Augers

Bad stoplight coordination

Poor interest rates on car loans

Dings on your credit

Hacking attempts

Ugly Christmas sweaters

Jammed printers

Network failures

Failed file backups

Grainy security camera footage

Broken lights

Footsteps when you think you’re alone

Stalkers

Lurkers

Road rage

Paranoia

Allergies

Asthma attacks

Seizures

Blackouts

Burned toast

Flat tires

Gas pumps that won’t take “tap to pay”

Being overthrown by the AI overlords

Late trains

Late buses

Closed dumpsters

Misdeliveries

Power outages

Poor water quality

Tight pants

Hearing loss

Hacked credit cards

Broken garage doors

Missing keys

Cancelled bonds

GPS failures

Sneezing

Coughing

Weather alerts

Screaming parrots

Barking dogs

Hiding cats

Raccoon attacks

Unanswered texts

Hard drive failures

Draining batteries

Bad concert seats

Traffic delays

Smoking dryers

Sushi

Signal interruptions

Hideous trends

working until 5:00

Chills

Fever

Chickens

Urge to eat red meat

Dry heaves

IQ level decrease

Stupid questions

Memory loss

Running Yield signs

Turn signal amnesia

Trying to outrun emergency vehicles

Thinking you can do things quickly in a high-traffic area during rush hour

Road construction

Localized flooding

Yard fires

Beeping fire alarms

Toilet paper shortage

Bad tips

Late fees

Chipped paint

Bird poop on car

Downed limbs

Roadkill

Insomnia

Texting and driving

Traffic tickets

Unfavorable verdicts

Lost mail

Voice mail

Car alarms

House alarms

Roosters

Cattle stampede

Landslides

Volcano eruptions

Reruns

Plantar fasciitis

Carpal tunnel

Cholera

Typhoid

Bubonic plague

Leprosy

Antibiotic resistance

Engine failure

Broken ice makers

Ugly fonts

Gossip

Weight gain

Failed shocks

Missing socks

Alliteration

Not being able to find your size

No receipts

Getting stuck in a car wash

Bank robberies

Flooded laundromats

Bad buffets

Knots in necklace chains

Gifts that arrive broken

Ugly family heirlooms

Particleboard furniture

Working overtime

Bounce houses

Green pools

Boil advisories

Summer camp

Winter storms

Cramps

Interdimensional travel

Gift cards that don’t work

Expired coupons

Clickbait

Weather delays

Cold feet

Twisted covers

Ragged blankets

Rainouts

Sick days

Bailout days when nobody’s around

Items out of stock

“Unicorns and Rainbows” social media posts

Ranting posts

“Hey, beautiful” creepers online

Spyware

Hypocrites

Lost earrings

Lost cell phones

Well done steak

Inability to find a book to read that isn’t completely cliché

Inability to find a TV show or movie to watch that isn’t completely cliché

Drunk dials

Bill collectors calling for 15 years because they can’t accept that the person who had this number before you gave them the slip

Indictment

Prosecution

Loss of parole

Hot asphalt

Dog bites

Getting kicked by a donkey

Fake faith healers

Swelling

Bathroom stall cell phone conversations

The post-2 p.m. public bathroom stench

Dump odors after it rains on a 90+ degree day

Computer board failure in your washing machine

Loss of freon

Backfire

Your favorite book being made into an awful movie

Lost cats

Bacterial infections

Viral infections

Slippery sidewalks

Fungal infections

Alien infections

Insulting obituaries

Pandemics

Foreign contaminants

Foreign dignitaries

Nightmares

Political advertisements

Broken umbrellas

Lost glasses

Leaking garbage disposals

Running toilets

Dripping faucets

Banging pipes

Creepy dolls in attics

Hauntings

Demonic possession

Solicitors

People asking for directions

Paper cuts

Broken bones

Hemorrhages

Infestations

Itching

Squeaky door hinges

Racing heart

Shortness of breath

Pickleball

Broken vacuums

Wobbly chairs

Bad interviews

Poor test results

Cavities

Root canals

Parties and other social events

Loud music

Broken locks

Moodiness

Holes in your shirt

Dings in your walls

Dings on your car

The rise of the machines

Getting hit by a train

Thinking you look good in that dress that’s two sizes too small when you look like a pig in a poke in every mirror

Vomiting

Traffic tickets

Sticking to metal objects

Time Travel

Duck faces

Spontaneous combustion

Suicidal thoughts

Less cowbell

Death

The actual Apocalypse, complete with horsemen, plagues, breaking seals, trumpets, bowls of wrath, and all of that not-so-fun stuff

If any of these symptoms are severe, please call your doctor.

Light up your life with BRAINEZE!