Change of Pace

Two weeks' notice is too long, I can burn some bridges.  I’m leaving, there isn’t another option. He gave me no other choice. I will send an email in the morning.  I quit and good riddance. I just have to…

I pick up my phone.

“Hi mom,” my voice breaks, all the walls I had built starting to crack, “can I come home?”

I hear breathing, and maybe crying.  I haven’t spoken to her in at least a month, what if she says no?  After what feels like forever in silence I hear her whisper “of course.”  That was it, those words the final blow to the emotional fortress I had been living in.  A sob broke through my chest as relief flooded my body.

“I’ll be there tomorrow.”

****

I started to recognize landmarks on this old country road.  Although others may not have recognized them, I did. A county road my childhood best friend lived on, an abandoned barn I tried to explore as a teenager and stepped on a nail, the field where my friends and I would lie in and watch the stars.  The road became more populated, the speed limit dropped by about twenty miles per hour, and I pulled up to one of two stoplights in this town.  

My stomach began doing flips, I haven’t been here since I left for college, ten years ago.  I froze when I saw a familiar face crossing the street. He looked the same, almost exactly the same aside from some grown man stubble.  I wanted to cry out, say hello, and then what? I haven’t talked to him in seven years, does he even want to talk to you. 

A honk pulled me out of my head, so lost in thought I had missed the light turning green.  As I started to pull away I stole one glance back in his direction and immediately met his eyes.  My heart skipped a beat when the wide, goofy grin I knew so well broke across his face. I guess that answered my question, butterflies in my stomach confusing me.

I knocked on the front door of my childhood home.  I have never knocked on this door before, why did I feel the need to do it now?  As I was second-guessing every decision I’ve made the door opened and my mom stood there smiling.  Her grin faltered when she took a good look at me but hid the concern quickly.  

I can’t imagine what I look like or remember the last time I looked in a mirror.  I think it was yesterday morning, in the work bathroom right before…

No, not thinking about that, I’m home, I’m safe.  I did try to run my fingers through my hair though, to hopefully ease my mom’s worry.  As I brought my hands to my head, though, I saw the bruises on both of my arms she must have seen.  Bruises so distinct you could count the fingers that caused them.  

“Come on in, your room is ready for you.  I haven’t changed it a bit.” my mom led me upstairs to put my bags down.  “Do you want anything for dinner? We can go to Jimmy’s, I bet you miss those burgers and milkshakes.  They were your favorite.”

“I would love that.”

“Good! Maybe we will run into your classmates.”

Classmates?  Plural? I was sure most of them had gotten out of this small town.  Although I had seen Jason, but I assumed he stuck around, took over for his dad at Jimmy’s.  He had wanted to go to culinary school, I hope he did. “Why would I?”

“Its reunion weekend, hon.  Isn’t that why you came home?”

No, it wasn’t, but here I am I guess.  “When is it?”

“Tonight! You’ve got a couple hours until it starts, I think we should eat before you go.  Catch up a bit.”

“Sounds perfect.”

****

I looked at myself in the mirror.  I’m not ready for this.  

My mom and I decided that I was going to the reunion over dinner.  I knew it would be nice to see Jason, after all, he was my best friend for 12 years of my life.  I could use some healthy friendship. The butterflies in my stomach returned, it must just be nerves.  

I told her I quit my job, though I didn’t tell her why.  I also told her that I wanted to stay here for a while. Indefinitely, actually.  She was supportive and didn’t pry, though I saw her eyes darting to my arms. When we got home I pulled out my favorite dress and dug for the only sweater I had.  I was lucky the bruises on my arms were the only visible ones. The rest could easily be hidden. How can one night, one chance encounter cause so much damage. I just had to finish that project-

A knock on the front door stopped my thoughts in their tracks.  “Charlotte! Jason is at the door!” What? Why? I wanted to see him, but this wasn’t my plan.  I had pictured more across the room, so I could build up my nerve before he sees me. He’s at my front door.  Oh geez.

He was standing at the door, grinning ear to ear.  “Charlie! I knew I saw you today!” 

I smiled, “I saw you too, what are you doing here?”

“I’m here to take you, drag you if I must, to the reunion.  I know you, and I know you were probably sitting up there debating on whether or not to put on pajamas and stay home instead.”

“Psychic” I mumbled. 

Somehow his smile got wider, “Well come on then. It's a bit warm, you probably won’t need the sweater.”

“I’ll keep it, thanks.”

I said bye to my mom, and she gave me her spare house key.  The days of her waiting up for me long over. I grabbed my purse and head out the door.  

The second the door closed Jason scooped me up into the biggest hug I’ve had in years.  I relaxed instantly into the familiarity of it. “Did you say bail on ‘us’ back there?” I asked as we pulled away.  

“Oh yeah, the gangs all back. You were a surprise, though.”  I gave him a look. “A pleasant one, I promise,” he added quickly as we got into the car, “You make the night complete.”  He looked at me, and I swear he could see into my soul. He always knew how to do that, read me immediately, make me feel important.  

“So everyone is back?  You came back for the reunion?”  I felt like I was fishing, hoping for an answer, though I don’t know which one. 

“No, I’m here permanently, only left for culinary school, and came right back. Yes though, Cara, Danny, Julie, and Turner, all back for the weekend at least.” I felt relief and more butterflies.  I squashed them. “What about you, just here for the weekend?”

“I’m back,” I said quietly, “at least for now.”  He looked over at me, concern starting to cloud his eyes.  

“Anyway!” I needed to change the subject “Remember our adventures in High School over at the Ehrman’s abandoned farm?”

“Of course I do!  It felt like a different world, it's still abandoned and standing.”

We went on like that for the drive to the high school, reminiscing and falling easily into our old dynamic, nothing changed.  Memories came flooding back on that drive, my anxiety mounting as we drew closer to the reunion.  

When we got out of his truck I stood there for a minute.  Mostly frozen and a little overwhelmed, it had been an eventful 48 hours.  Jason came around to my side of the car and grabbed my hand to pull me to the door.  I resisted a little and he turned to me. He squeezed my hand, I took a deep breath, and in we went. 

****

“Let’s ditch.”  Turner said suddenly.  We had all been together again for about an hour and a half.  We said our obligatory hellos, then stuck to each other. The six of us as it had been.  

“What are you talking about?  Where would we go? You know everything in this town closes by nine.”  Cara wasn’t wrong, Gaffing was a tiny town. We did all want to get out of there though.  Too many people we didn’t want to talk to anymore. Jason caught my eye and this mischevious look spread across his face.

“Uh-oh, Jason has an idea,” I laughed “Let’s hear it.”

“The Ehrman’s farm”

Glances were exchanged among the group, the energy almost unreadable.

“I’m so in!” Julie basically squealed.  Danny was basically bouncing with excitement.  

“The farm it is.”  I said, excited to get out in the open, I wasn’t able to see the stars from my downtown apartment.  I had missed it here.

*****

We pulled up to the old farm feeling like teenagers again.  Giggling and trying to keep quiet, though there wasn’t another person around for miles.  One of the guys took a pack of beer out of his car, Julie had a few blankets in her trunk.  We all sat out on the blankets, drinking beer and staring at the stars for a few quiet minutes.  The peace, and the beer, allowing us to finally relax.  

“So why did you come back, Charlotte?” Danny broke the silence.  “Aren’t you a fancy...well something?” I noticed Cara glare at him.  “What? It’s been a long time!”

“I  am, well I was.” I flashed to that last day, the empty office, my boss locking the door.  I shook my head. “I needed a change of pace. I needed to reset a little.” I tried not to think about it, but I could feel myself slipping a little.

“I’m glad you came back, I missed you!” Julie, sitting next to me, leaned her head on my shoulder.  “I missed our little adventurer. You always were the bravest one of us.”

“Hey!” Turner turned to us, “I’m offended.”

Julie giggled, “Do we need to test it?”

“How?”  he asked, “We’ve done everything there is to do in this town.”

“Not everything” I mused, “I think I have an idea.”  They all looked at me with excited confusion plastered on their faces.  “The attic.”

“Oh, hell no.” Jason looked at me sharply, “We didn’t go up there as kids because we thought it could fall in on us, it would only be worse now.”

“I am the bravest, after all!” I said smugly.

“Absolutely not, I’m going with you.”  Turner stood, and helped me up. We began to walk toward the old farmhouse, the others falling behind us when they realized we were serious.  

“I still don’t think this is a good idea,” Jason grumbled, “I’ll stay on the second level, ready to call 911 if one of you idiots falls through the floor.”

The old house smelled the same as I remembered, old and musty.  We picked our way around the clutter of the first floor. It seemed teenagers were still using this place as a drinking hideout.  I guess nothing really changes. I fell back with Jason as the rest of the group climbed up the stairs to the second floor. Julie and Danny leading the way with flashlights Danny had in his car.  

“You really won’t come up there with us?” I asked Jason.  

“Nah, someone needs to be ready to catch you when you come crashing through the ceiling.” he started laughing.  

“Hey! I’m careful!” I pushed him lightly with my shoulder.  

“I know you are”

I heard a loud creak in front of us.  Turner was pulling down the trap door with the ladder to go into the attic.  “Who’s going first?” He asked. “Miss bravest of us all, is it you?”

“I guess so!” The few beers I had beginning to spread, making me ambitious and a bit warm.  “Here goes nothing.” I began to climb the ladder. Slowly, to be sure it would carry my weight.  I felt a tug on my sweater and looked down. It was caught on a hinge of the ladder.  

“Looks like the universe thinks this is a bad idea, too,”  Cara said. “Maybe we shouldn’t go up there.”

“No, I’m going.  I’m too hot anyway.” I took off my sweater.  “Jason, can you take this for me?” I handed the sweater down to him, and he caught my hand that held it.  I looked at him to see why and noticed him staring at the bruises on my arm. I pulled my hand away quickly.  He looked up at me, his eyes wide. It was dark enough that nobody else noticed, I climbed up quicker now.

“Well, that’s quite the view” I heard Danny say. I heard an “oomph” as someone punched him in the arm.

“Don’t be gross,” I called down, “You’re just trying to distract us from the fact that you’re too scared to follow.”

I pulled myself through the hole into the attic.  I heard the ladder squeak below me. I looked down to see Turner following quickly behind, determined to prove himself.  Then a loud crack sounded as the ladder broke under his weight. I started laughing when he fell back onto the ground.

“That’s not fair!” He complained, “I really wanted to go up there.” 

“No, you wanted to prove you’re brave,” I said as my laughter died down to a small chuckle, “and I believe you. I am going to go explore!”

“That might not be a good idea,” Julie sounded concerned, “If the ladder broke, we don’t know what might break up there.”  

“I’ll be careful!” I was already crawling slowly toward some boxes I saw.  They were full of old pictures. The Ehrman family. I had never known what they looked like, we always just knew this was their farm.  I grabbed a few, looked around, and smiled. “Thank you for letting us use your house for our adventures,” I whispered. I began to crawl back with some of the pictures in hand.  As I got to the opening I realized I didn’t have an easy way to get down. I peeked over the edge, catching only Jason’s eye. I smiled sheepishly, “I may need some help.”

I scoot towards the edge of the hole, the ladder had broken about a quarter of the way down.  I started down the ladder, knowing Jason was there to catch me. I leaned back, my hand on his shoulder as he grabbed around my waist, lowering me to the floor.  

“That wasn’t a fair test, we need a new one,” Turner said, indignant.  

“We will find one tomorrow, there’s nothing else to explore tonight,” I said, we had started out of the house.  “Besides I have pictures of the Ehrman’s I want to show you!”

We went back to the blankets and the beer, while we talked about the family whose house we just left.  This family was a part of the exciting times in our teenage life, and we never even knew them. As the conversation died down, Jason stood and grabbed two beers.  He looked at me, handing me the second beer. I stood and took it as we started walking.

We walked for about ten minutes in complete silence when he broke it with “Why did you come home, Charlie?”  I smiled, comforted by the name only he calls me.

“I told you, I needed a change of pace.  The city was too much.”  

He stopped and grabbed my hand.  I resisted the urge to pull it away.  He looked down at my arms, then up at my face.  I looked away. “What happened?” He whispered.

“Nothing,” He looked at me and I relented and started walking again, “Okay, obviously something but I’m okay, honest.”

“That doesn’t look okay.  Was it someone you knew?”

“Yes.”

“Was it often”

“No only once, and I left.”

“Why come back, why not just cut them out?”

“I worked with him, I had to leave, I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

“Okay, but later.  Please?” He put his arm around me and we started walking back to the group.  They had become suspiciously quiet.

“Later” I leaned into him feeling safe, comfortable, happy.  “I missed you” I whispered. He stopped, looking down at me. “I’m sorry I didn’t stay in touch.”

“Why didn’t you?” he was looking at me that way again.  Reading my soul.

“I would have wanted to come back. I didn’t realize that I-” I paused, not knowing how to end that thought.  I tried again “I didn’t know how I-” I gave up, walking to the group again. He let the sentence linger. We came upon our friends and found all of them asleep.  

“How do you feel about sleeping under the stars?” Jason chuckled.  I smiled at him. He grabbed another blanket from his car, so we could lay a little further from our sleeping friends.  He still wanted to talk. 

“What didn’t you realize?” he asked me as he was placing the blanket on the ground.

“Hm?”

“You said you didn’t realize…” he was looking at me, and he seemed almost, hopeful.

“How much I missed you,” I sat on the blanket “how I missed you”

He smiled at me staying quiet for a moment.  “I missed you too” he whispered finally, sitting down beside me, facing me. I looked over at him, and his eyes seemed different.  He reached up, putting his fingers in my hair, and kissed me. Soft, gentle, right. I kissed him back. He pulled away and I smiled.  He lied down, pulling me beside him. He held me, and I was finally calm, ready to sleep under the stars for the first time in years. 

I came home, I’m safe here, now.  These are the adventures I need, not the bustling city.  This is the person I know I can trust.