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Funny Friendship Fiction

This story contains themes or mentions of substance abuse.

Birthday Surprise

Barbara swallowed the lump in her throat. She sat in silence. Wondering where she went wrong. They were happy once, in love. When had it changed? How had they drifted so far? Garth turned on his emergency lights as he pulled in front of the Greyhound station.

Barbara said, “I can cancel the trip.”

           Garth kept his face neutral when he said, “Why would you do that?”

           “So we could spend my birthday together.” Truth was she was nervous. Barbara had never been out of state. In fact she had never set foot out of her hometown.

           Garth said, “No dear, you go have a good time. There’s no need to cancel. Besides I’ve already paid for the ticket and the lodge. I’ll be working all weekend anyway.”

           Barb knew he was lying. She had seen the text. She also knew that Garth was a cheapskate. He would never allow her to back out now. He would never intentionally waste his money. All the cleaning, cooking three meals a day, and practically raising their children alone while he worked late into the night almost every weekend for the past thirty-five years. Still, it had always been his money. Which is why she knew something was off when he agreed to pay for the knitting conference so easily. No arguments or questions, just pulled out his debit card and told her to take care of the fees. She should have known then. He was too lenient, too agreeable, too excited for her to go. He didn’t even attempt to get her a birthday gift this year claiming the trip was her gift.

           Garth said, “Well.”

           Waiting for her to get out of the car. He practically jumped out and ran to the trunk to take her suitcase out. He pecked her on the cheek then told her to enjoy herself, before dashing back into the driver seat. Barbara saw him checking what was left of his hair in the rearview mirror. He didn’t wait for her to go inside, didn’t look back in her direction. He simply drove away.

           Barbara’s heart dropped to the pit of her empty stomach. She wanted to cry but for once, the tears didn’t come.

***

           Barbara came out of the bathroom stall and washed her hands. She pulled her phone from her purse to check the time. There was a thirty-minute wait until her bus was scheduled to depart. She considered calling Garth then thought better of it. Her phone rang, the name Vivian showed on the screen. Barbara answered. “Hey Viv.”

           “On that smelly bus yet?” Vivian said.

           “No… I have a half hour wait.”

           Picking up on the tension in her voice. Vivian asked, “Barb, what’s wrong? It’s your birthday weekend; shouldn’t you be excited? What has Garth done now?”

“Oh Viv. He’s… I think Garth is having an affair.” Barbara said.

“What? Why in the world would you think that?”

“I read some messages in his phone and… he’s been acting distant lately. Well, more than usual. It’s just…something’s off, that’s all. Maybe I’m overreacting. He doesn’t seem to care that it’s my birthday.”

Vivian paused then said, “Barb I know you already have plans but how about we really celebrate this weekend?”

Barbara asked, “What do you mean?”

“Let’s go to Vegas. It’ll be fun. We can drink, gamble, relax, take the stress off. You need this and so do I. What do you say?”

She didn’t know how to respond. She was supposed to be going to Arkansas. What would she tell Garth? He wouldn’t know if she didn’t say anything. It could be her little secret. He certainly had one. She thought about the message in his phone. Can’t wait to see you, xoxo. She shook the thought from her head.

Barbara said, “You know what? Okay.”

Vivian excitedly explained that she had already purchased their tickets in hopes that she would agree to the trip. Thirty minutes later Vivian picked Barbara up from the bus station, and they headed to the airport. Barbara was glad to have a friend like Vivian. She was also thankful for the money she’d been putting away in a secret separate bank account. Unsure of how her life might change when she returned home. If she did decide to leave Garth she would need the extra money. Barbara considered what she had saved and figured she might as well have some fun with it first.

***

           Barbara and Vivian sipped their martinis as their server returned to the table with their entrées. Eyeing the handsome Latin waiter Vivian said. “Thank you Marco.” Then she said in a low voice only Barbara could hear. “Nice ass,” as he walked away.

           Embarrassed, Barbara whined, “Viiiv.”

           Vivian played faux innocence. “What? He does.” She said.

           After the ladies finish their dinner, Barbara excused herself to go to the restroom. While she was gone Marco brought the check. Vivian quietly asked, “Marco, forgive me for sounding a bit crude, but would you happen to know of any male strip clubs nearby. Marco’s eyebrows lifted in surprise. To her delight he told her that he worked as an exotic dancer at night and he would be willing to give her a nice price for a private dance. Vivian gave him a sheepish smile. Unbeknownst to Barbara, Vivian and Marco set a time for him to come to the hotel suite later that night.

***

           “That show was amazing. Cher looked incredible and did you see how she moved? I couldn’t swing my hips like that when I was twenty-five. What is she, like eighty?” Barbara said.

Vivian said, “I know and did you see her tits and ass? She doesn’t look a day over fifty. That bitch.”. She laughed then poured herself a rum and coke. “Want one?” Vivian said.

“Oh, no I’ve had too much to drink already. The good Lord is probably looking down on me shaking his head.”

“The Lord will forgive you, here.” Vivian handed Barbara her drink. There was a knock at the door.

“Who could that be?” Barbara said.

“It’s a surprise.” Vivian lifted her brows up and down, a cheesy grin spreading across her face. Barbara narrowed her eyes in suspicion.

When Vivian opened the door her eyes went wild with excitement. She could hardly contain herself. Marco was standing on the other side. Eagerly she motioned for him to come in.

Barbara’s eyes widened when Marco stepped into the living area. He pulled out his cellphone and a small Beats speaker and placed it on the glass coffee table. Then he turned on Nice and Slow by Usher then began slowly pulling off his t-shirt. He gyrated his hips round and round. Then in one swift motion he snatched off his white pants, which were buttoned down the sides. Revealing a neon lime green thong that barely covered him.

Barbara’s mouth gaped open. Vivian yelled woo-hoo and grabbed a stack of one-dollar bills from her handbag. Barbara wanted to ask what in the hell was going on, but she was too flabbergasted to say anything. Before she could utter a word, Marco pushed Vivian onto the sofa, grinding his pelvis into her beaming face. Relishing the moment, Vivian stuffed dollar after dollar into the front of his thong.

Suddenly she smacked him on the butt. Barbara’s face went red. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing. Just as she thought of running out of the room, Marco turned toward her. He danced in her lap as she was silently begging God to forgive her. She wondered if this was considered adultery. Guilt washed over her as she thought about Garth. Then she considered what he might be doing, and she relented. Swallowing her drink in one gulp, she gave in to enjoyment. It had been years since she had even looked at another man, especially one as young and attractive as Marco. 

After some time, Marco slipped away to the bathroom. When he returned he was sniffling and rubbing his reddened nose. Sweat glistened across his forehead. He started dancing again. Barbara noticed the awkward look on his face.

She asked, “Marco are you alright?”

He opened his mouth, but no words came out. His body jerked; his eyes rolled back. He fell to the floor with a loud thud. Vivian screamed.

Barbara yelled, “Oh my Lord!”

Vivian ran to Marco. She slapped his face. He didn’t respond. She felt for a pulse. There was none.

Astonished, Barbara asked, “Is he…dead?”

Vivian checked for a pulse again. She looked at Barbara then shook her head.

           Panicked Vivian shouted, “Oh my God, oh my God. What are we going to do?”

           Barbara said. “Call the police.”

           “Are you crazy? We can’t call the police.” Vivian said.

           “We have to. He’s dead, Viv.”

           “They’re going to think we had something to do with it. You should be in backwoods Arkansas. How the hell are you going to tell Garth you’re in jail for killing a stripper?”

           “I didn’t kill him!”

           “They don’t know that. There will be an investigation, an autopsy. It could take weeks, months even. We’ve got to get him out of here.”

           “How are we going to do that? I think they’ll notice two old ladies dragging a man’s half-naked body down the hallway.” Barbara said.

           They sat in thought. Vivian smacked her hands together.

           “I’ve got it.”

           She ran to the bedroom and drug her suitcase into the living room. Frantically she removed all of its contents, dumping them onto the floor.

           Barbara said, “Will he fit?”

           “We’ll make him fit.”

           Together they began stuffing his body into the bag. By the time they were done, they were sweating and out of breath. Marco’s appendages poked from the sides leaving the bag oddly misshapen.

           “It’ll have to do.” Vivian said.

           “How are we going to get him out? There’s no way we can lift him, we could barely get him in there.”

“The luggage carts in the lobby.” Vivian said.

           Vivian called down to the front desk requesting a luggage cart. Then they gathered Vivian’s belongings and placed them into Barbara’s bag. The cart was delivered. They rolled it in and started pushing and pulling until finally they were able to get the suitcase onto it. Barb wanted to keel over but there wasn’t time.

           They hurriedly made it out of the lobby just as valet pulled in with their rental car. Sweat ran down Barbara’s temple as the doorman stared at the suitcase. The two women stared at each other blankly. Before they had time to react the doorman lifted the heavy bag and placed it onto the back seat.

           “Jeeze that’s heavy. You got a body in here or what?” He chuckled. Vivian and Barbara nervously laughed along. Barbara looked like she was going to be sick. Vivian stuffed a wadded up fifty-dollar bill into the man’s hand. She gave the valet attendant a twenty then rushed into the driver’s seat. She peeled out of the parking lot like the wheels were on fire. Leaving smoke and dust in her wake.

           “What now?” Barbara said.

           “We find somewhere to leave him and get our asses on the first flight out of here.”

           Barbara said. “This is wrong. This is so wrong. Oh God, please forgive me”

           “Right now, help me find a spot to dump him. You can pray later.” Vivian said.

           They travelled down the road searching for a dark road to turn onto. There was none. The strip was lit up like a Christmas tree. A startling sound came from the back seat. They screamed in unison. Vivian swerved into the oncoming lane before quickly re-gaining control of the car.

           “Aye, let me out of here.”

           It was Marco. He was alive. He started scratching and clawing at the bag. They pulled over into a nearby parking lot. Shocked, they hopped out, opened the back doors, and unzipped the bag. Marco inhaled a large breath of air. His long arms and legs looked comical as he navigated his way out of the bag.

As he got out of the car, he said, “Oye, that was some night.”

           Vivian and Barbara stood speechless. Their mouths hung open as Marco stumbled away wearing nothing but a lime green thong. Vivian looked inside the suitcase. Marco’s clothes, phone, and speaker were still inside. In the far-left corner was a plastic baggie half-filled with a dusty white powder. Vivian snatched the suitcase out of the car and tossed it onto the gravel. Together she and Barbara high-tailed it out of there.

***

Exhausted, Barbara stood outside of baggage claim waiting for her uber. She and Vivian had decided to take separate vehicles home in hopes of covering their tracks. As she waited, she noticed an attractive blonde woman in black stilettos and a flattering red dress was standing just a few feet in front of her. She kept her eyes on the woman for a moment admiring, also resenting her youthful beauty. Remembering a time when she too felt attractive. Barbara’s eyes travelled in front of the woman. She blinked. She couldn’t believe it. Garth was walking straight toward her. Her heart fluttered. Her mind tried to conjure an explanation. Before she could, Garth smiled ear to ear then wrapped his arms around the blonde woman in the red dress and kissed her.

He said, “Hi honey. I’m so glad you made it.”

August 25, 2024 16:40

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