Juxtaposition

Wait, they’re there, right?   No?   Then I’m a medium?   Not exactly.   Mediumship is like pregnancy, you’re either a medium or you’re not.   What if I’m in a cusp or on a cusp or something.   Think about “Row, row, row your boat”.   For all we know, Earth could be the dream and the dreams could be reality or they could both be real or both fake.   You don’t know that.  

      Yes, I am aware of my diagnosis, but this is different than the diagnosis, you don’t understand.   See, you’ve heard of daydreaming?   It’s like daydreaming, but it’s dreaming and being awake at the same time.   Think of it like switching between channels on the TV, but two channels are coming in at the same time or like when they had Pay Per View and snow but occasionally things would come through, but blurry.   But it’s not blurry, it’s coming in at the same time.   Now does it make sense?   No, the medications are working fine.  This is different than . . .  Because you’re the one who listens to me and doesn’t put me back in the looney bin.   I’m crazy, but this isn’t part of my craziness.  Maybe I’m dying?   I’ve heard of this happening to people before they die.  Am I dying?   You know the joke?   You don’t?  “So, this guy goes into his doctor’s office and the doctor asks the patient what’s wrong and the man says, ‘You’re the doctor, why don’t you you tell me?”   The doctor tells the man he needs a diagnostician.  So, the doctor sends him off and the next day the man comes back and says to the doctor, “You idiot.   You sent me to a vet” and the doctor says, “That’s right, that’s the only one I know who can tell somebody what’s wrong with them without talking”.  

    But, I know what’s wrong and this is different.  See, right now, I’m talking to you, my therapist, but I don’t know if you’re the therapist in my dreams or the therapist I see when I’m awake, but if I ask you, you’ll say you’re the therapist I see when I’m awake, even if you’re not.  

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      What do I hope to get out of these sessions?   Sanity or clarity or to be able to be a part of a community that’s real that won’t get upset that I talk to both the wake and the asleep.  Do you think the A.R.E. could help me with this?   The Edgar Cayce place.   You don’t know who Edgar Cayce is?    Look him up on Wikipedia some time.  

     I’ve read things that say pinch myself and I’ll wake up or shower with clothes on, then I’ll wake up, but no matter which side I do these things on, I still feel the pain, unless . . . maybe I have severe insomnia and I’m never sleeping.  I’ve heard it said if a person doesn’t sleep for 72 hours, they’re legally insane.  Maybe that’s what’s happening.  What do you think?   Ok, a sleep log.  Do they sell it on Amazon?  You’ll find out.   But if I fall asleep on the sleep side and am awake, how will I know which to log; the sleeping or the waking.  Guess I could just log when I’m transitioning from one state to the other, but if one side is longer, I won’t know if that’s good or bad.  

    Can’t do that.  I’ve already told you, no matter what I say, you’ll say you’re the one who’s here when I’m awake.  What do I think the solution should be?   You’re the doctor; You tell me.  Isn’t that your job?

      When I get up or fall asleep or vice versa, I could . . . What do you recommend?   I could jump off a cliff and see if that wakes me, but if I’m already awake, that’ll kill me.  Take an OTC sleeping medication?   Right, but with my luck, the pharmacist on the sleeping side will give me a caffeine pill, but I’ll think I’m going to sleep.   How to figure out what side of the juxtaposition I’m on:  That’s the question.  Fuck Shakespeare.   Get a drug test?   The only drugs I’m taking are the ones you and my primary care physician prescribed me, unless someone slipped me a Mickey?   Why the hell that stupid rodent from Disney first date raped women I’ll never understand.   Isn’t Mickey supposed to be nice to everyone but Peter?  Join the “Mickey Mouse Club,” have a drink on the house, get raped.   Asshole.  Boycott Disney.  

     I forgot to ask, is this being recorded?   Then why do therapists write things down?  Just take Gino Biloba.   Remember, “How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?   One, but the lightbulb really has to want to change.” And I do want to change, but I want to change on the awake side or else I’ll forget all the progress I made when I wake up.  Right now, if I switch from REM to NREM sleep, will you disappear?   “The answer is 42.”   Yes, I’m taking my medications.  Wait, maybe that’s it. Maybe one of the side effects is I don’t know if I’m awake or asleep,   It’s not?  You sure?   Right.  You are a doctor.  

     Your degrees are in the wall.  So, we get together once a week and chat, you change my medications as you think is best, but I don’t know if you’re real or if I’m real.  For all we know the whole Universe is someone else’s dream and any second they’ll wake up and we’ll all disappear.  

     I want to know what’s going on.  What’s real and what’s illusion.  But if you’re not real, can I trust you?   Basic questions?   Like what?  The president?  Of course I do.  This isn’t a sanity test, it’s a stupidity test and I’m crazy. . . Let me tell you that joke:   “So this man is outside the psyche ward and he’s changing his tire and he puts the lug nuts on the street and they roll down the hill and drops in the sewer.  The man curses and asks, ‘Now, what do I do?’ And someone in the psyche ward says, ‘Take one lug off of each of the other tires and put it on the new tire.”  The man does this and it works.  He then asks the patient, ‘If you know so much, what’re you doing in the psche ward?’ And the man says, ‘I’m crazy, I’m not stupid”.  But, I don’t know if I’m crazy, I don’t know if you’re real, and the reader doesn’t know anything.