Madam Claire Voyant

I wish to thank all of you for your cooperation in gathering here today for the reading of the last will and testament of Mrs. Dowager. I am sure you, her children and grandchildren, are eager to learn the contents of her will. I, Mr. Bellows, will be conducting the reading and execution of her will as her attorney of record. Due to very foreseen circumstances, Mrs. Dowager has decided to arrange for a mediator to preemptively resolve the incoming conflict. This is due to your behaviors over the last few months of Mrs. Dowager’s life. Just to remind everyone why we must go to these lengths, I will provide a quick overview of some of the “events” that have occurred. 

There was what is now being referred to as the “horror of Thanksgiving” where you, the grown adult children of Mrs. Dowager, decided the perfect time to bring up grievances with each other was when everyone sat down to dinner and already were several glasses in of wine. The wallpaper is still stained with cranberry sauce from when all of you decided flinging words wasn’t enough and instead food would be better. The only one who enjoyed that meal was the dog because he had an open buffet provided to him on the floor and walls.

Then you, the grown adult grandchildren, didn’t like the fact that your grandmother canceled her annual Fourth of July party due to her wish to live out her remaining days in peace and quiet. The only reason any of you have friends is because they want to be seen at THE socialite party of the year. We certainly know you wouldn’t have friends based on personality alone. So, of course, you were upset when you couldn’t mooch off your grandmother’s name and wealth. But were you respectful of your dying grandmother’s wishes? NO! Instead, you went ahead with the party, crashed a boat into a neighbor’s dock, singed the poor dog’s tail off with firecrackers, destroyed your grandmother’s beloved rose garden, and then had the nerve to be mad at your grandmother when she called the police.

Needless to say, these are only two recent examples. There are plenty more we could dig into, but for the moment let’s move onto the reading of the will. At this time, I would like to invite into the room Madam Claire Voyant. Madam Voyant was selected personally by your mother/grandmother to provide her unique set of skills to this reading. Mrs. Dowager assumed upon hearing her will that you will have many questions and will be in need of someone who can mediate between you, the living party, and her, the deceased party.

“I, Helene Dowager, leave my entire net worth including monetary funds, the perfumery including the factory and the store, the primary house, the cabin, the beach house, private jet, boat, and all contents contained within the properties to the only one who has been steadfast and loyal to me, one Mr. Rufus Bartley Barkson Dowager, my beloved Labrador.”

“What!?!?!?! Did you just say the dog, the dog who licks himself, has been left everything???”

“This is outrageous, mother can’t possibly have done this to her children!”

“This is a joke, right? Or my mother must have been out of her mind!”

“Grandma hated us for destroying her rose garden, but that dog buried his bones there all the time and he is given everything!?!”

“This cannot be legal, let me see that will. After all, I am in law school!”

Settle, Settle, Settle! I assure you that Mrs. Dowager was of sound mind and body when she wrote this. She repeatedly warned you to remember who the matriarch of the family was, but you didn’t heed that warning. Now, I realize this is a lot to take in. So, take a moment to collect yourselves and then if you wish you can speak to your grandmother. There is a possibility of mediating a solution with your grandmother’s spirit. Hence, why Madam Voyant is here. The floor is yours Madam V.

Thank you, Mr. Bellows. I am Madam V. Your psychic, medium, and mediator for this reading. Mrs. Dowager had been working with me long before she passed so that I would be able to easily channel her energy and spirit when the time came. She is already here with us, and I must say, she is absolutely, positively over the moon gleeful how well this news was received by all of you. She says your buffoonery is bringing nothing but pure, unadulterated joy to her spirit right now.

Now, if for some reason I lose direct contact with Mrs. Dowager, I do have my Ouija board with me just in case. But given how excited Mrs. Dowager is to make all of you miserable, I don’t see her spirit fading anytime soon. If you have a question or wish to say something to Mrs. Dowager, then please, speak it now at this time and I will channel her response. But first, let me sage this space, place my crystal ball here on the table, and pull a few oracle cards to set this space for a positive interaction and communication.

OK, you may begin … *the lights flicker and a gust of cold air ripples through the room* … Helene is most definitely here and seems very, shall I say, feisty?  

“We are your children; how could you do this to us?’

“Wrong question, next!”

“Grandmother, you know I am the youngest and most impressionable. I didn’t go against you or your wishes, I only just followed the lead of my siblings and cousins. Surely you see that, right grandma?”

“Hmm, just an innocent party you say? Just collateral damage? That is odd, because I distinctly recall seeing you bring the firecrackers to the party bragging about how many you bought … I should note, with MY money … and I also recall seeing you recklessly light them that singed poor Rufus’ tail! So, no, you are not exempt from this punishment. Plus, don’t think I didn’t know it was you and your brother who changed the name on the label of our signature perfume from ‘Morning Dew Kisses’ to ‘Morning POO Kisses’! You disgusting and pathetic excuse for a human.”

“MOTHER/GRANDMOTHER!!! Why are you being so rude!?!”

*Just then a cold, haunting cackle breaks out and the lights flicker again. Madam V. enters into a trance and channels a message from Helene*

“All I wanted from any of you was just to know that I mattered to you. I just wanted to know I was more than my wealth and influence. I was hoping by giving my entire inheritance to the dog that would make you realize you needed to change your ways. But no. Sadly, you just continued to try to hide who all of you truly are. This mediation is over.  You have revealed your true intentions and what is in your heart. Now leave me in peace.”

*Madam V. snaps out of her trance*

Well, I guess my services are no longer needed. Helene is no longer here, and she has conveyed her last sentiments.

“Well, we still have questions and need answers, so call our mother back again!”

“Yes, we need to discuss basic logistics and operations of the perfumery now that the dog is in charge!”

*Madam V. hastily packs her belongings and leaves without saying a word*

“Mr. Bellows, someone, a human, needs to be in charge. How will the dog run the company or manage his affairs?”

Well, your mother has appointed a guardian for Rufus. She wanted to make sure he was loved, taken care of, and that she could still communicate with him from beyond the grave.

“Wait! What? Communicate with the dog? There is only one way that is possible, theoretically. Are you suggesting my mother named a psychic as the guardian of Rufus???”

Yes, she appointed a psychic.

“Hmm, I wonder who that could possibly be? Could that be the very woman that has supposedly been working with our mother to make sure she could establish a connection? Could it be the woman that conveniently ‘channeled’ a message from our mother telling us to go to hell and to not question this anymore for it is settled matter?”

“Mr. Bellows, where did my grandmother find Madam V.? Did anyone vet Madam V.? Please tell me you at least ran a background check?”

*As the family is realizing what is unfolding, Mr. Bellows slinks towards the door hoping to vanish into thin air unnoticed*

Your grandmother gave me very specific instructions and I followed them. I don’t appreciate the accusations you are making towards me! I have fulfilled my duties, and now I must part. Come on Rufus, let’s go boy.

*Mr. Bellows grabs the dog and runs outside where a car is waiting for him. He jumps in and the driver speeds off*

“Did anyone else notice who the driver was? It sure looked like our new ‘friend’, the psychic.”

“No, but I did notice the license plate. It said ‘IREADU’”

*In unison, they all gasp*

“Madam Claire Voyant!!!!!!!”

Did we all just witness the greatest con job of all time, or did Mrs. Dowager truly communicate with her family? Only Madam V. and Mr. Bellows know for sure!