Dear Elizabeth

Maybe it was the way that you always smiled at me when we passed in the hallway. Maybe it was the way we became best friends almost immediately. Maybe it was the way you’d brush your hand innocently against mine when we sat next to each other during class. Maybe it was the way that you were always on my mind. Maybe it was the way I fell for you and I shouldn’t have. 

 I remember one day when I was being corny and asked you if you ate the sunshine for breakfast because you’re such an angel and then I proceeded to serenade you terribly with “You Are My Sunshine.” I remember how you thought it was just friendly when it wasn’t. I remember how I changed your contact name to “my sunshine” with the sun emoji after it. You never knew. 

I remember the day we kissed. We were walking down the hallway before marching band practice, side by side like always. I made some dirty joke and you leaned over, lips puckered up. I knew you were joking but there was that little part of me that hoped you weren’t. So I leaned over and kissed you. I knew I shouldn’t have but I wanted that memory. Even if in your mind it was nothing more than just a joke kiss, I wanted that memory. With you. I knew you had never been kissed. That’s almost what made it even more special to me, because I knew that was a piece of you I would always have, except it wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted you. 

I remember the late night facetime calls we had every night. You always called me, never the other way around. It was routine. I secretly loved it when you called me because it made me feel wanted. By you. We almost always talked about our day even if we had been together for the majority of it. And then there were the times where we had deep conversations about the future and what it held for us, or where we would be in 50 years, or the people we loved. Little did you know the person I loved was you. 

I remember the day you came to my house. We waited for my parents to go out before I stole one of my sister’s cigarettes and we smoked it outside thinking we were so cool. I remember looking at you and thinking “if this is what i’m doing years from now, slowly killing myself with cigarettes, with you by my side doing the same, that’s fine with me”. I remember playing Yahtzee with you. I won but i told you I lost because i wanted to see you smile. 

I remember the moment I realized I had truly fallen hard. I was listening to a song that I had listened to millions of times before. I had never really thought about what it was saying, but I still knew every word. I remember memories flashing through my head like a movie while I was singing along, and then suddenly all the lyrics were about you.

I remember the day everything started to fall apart. You were mad at me because I had made a new friend. You thought you were being replaced. You could never be replaced because of the way I felt about you but I wasn’t ready to tell you that. I brushed off your feelings and told you you couldn’t ever be replaced because you were my best friend, but in my head I was thinking “and that’s all you’ll ever be”.

I remember the day that you blocked me on everything. I was so confused because I thought we were okay. I remember crying in math class, glaring daggers at the back of your head. I remember looking at my new friend and asking her why you were doing this to me. I remember us arguing over text, sending huge paragraphs back and forth. I remember almost being able to feel my heart shatter when you said we couldn’t be friends anymore. I remember telling you that after so many people have hurt me, I never thought you would make it into the list. I remember telling you how much it hurt me that you were doing what you did. I remember you coming in the next day and throwing the letter and necklace I gave you at me in the middle of class, my heartbreaking even more in the process.

I remember the first day after we had stopped being friends. I remember everyone asking me what had happened and almost breaking down every time. I remember going to the bathroom and crying in a stall during lunch. I remember going home and stealing another cigarette, smoking it outside while I cried. I remember ranting to my sister about how broken I was. I remember her asking if we were dating and if that was why it was so hard on me, and me telling her no but thinking “I wish”. I remember sitting on the shower floor with shampoo running into my eyes because I didn’t have the energy to wipe it off. 

I remember things getting better, and then when my birthday rolled around and my first instinct was to ask you to come, I fell apart again. I remember being at my party and wishing you were there the whole time. I remember playing Yahtzee with my family and finding our scorecards from when we played and they smelled like smoke. I couldn’t handle it so I went upstairs and cried. I remember being in the hospital for a week. The whole time I was itching to grab my phone and text you to come visit me. I never did because we hadn’t talked in months. 

I remember when you started dressing differently. A flannel, band t-shirt, combat boots, and cuffed jeans every single day without fail. I liked to think that your style had been acquired from me seeing as that’s what I used to wear everyday. I don’t anymore. I remember the little glances I’d send your way in hope that you’d realize I was in love with you. You never did. 

Maybe it’s the way you avoid my eyes when we pass in the hallway. Maybe it’s the way we both found new best friends almost immediately. Maybe it’s the way we sit on opposite sides of the classroom. Maybe it’s the way you’re always on my mind when I cry . Maybe it’s the way I fell for you and I wish I hadn’t.