Maria

Doctor Salazar opened the door to see her patient, Maria.

_ Hello, please come inside. _ Salazar said with her usual polite tone and neutral expression. The young woman went into the clinic office quietly.

_ Long time no see! Please sit.  _the psychologist gestured _You have skipped many sessions! I was getting worried about you. _ The psychologist said while organizing some sheets. Maria sat down and started fidgeting with her hands.

_ May I ask you what happened? You seem anxious in a positive way?_ Salazar clicked his pen, ready to write about this session.

Maria smiled before answering:

_ I fell in love.

The psychologist nearly dropped the pen that was in his grasp.

_ Excuse me? _ the older man gave a light-hearted laugh before asking._ How did this happen? It seems like significant progress! Tell me from the start. What happened since our last session.

_ I changed a lot, doc. I'm no longer the old Maria you knew.

_ So tell me your story ''new Maria''. _ Salazar spoke with a playful voice.

_ '' I was an unhappy woman: a college student who followed everyone's expectations except for mine. There was a persistent ingratitude in my heart, making me restless as if I was looking for something I forgot. Most people had some jealousy towards me, considering me as someone lucky because of my seemingly comfortable life.

My parents seemed to support me since my curiosity always got the best results in my studies that resulted in a college scholarship.''

_ If my memory is not failing, your major is Literature.

_ Yeah, I chose this one because I love reading! It's way easier than dealing with humans: creatures with confusing, deceitful thoughts and selfish feelings.

Doctor Salazar chucked. 

_ So how did you end up falling in love with someone, Maria?

Maria closed her eyes and declared theatrically:

_ '' There is always some madness in love. But there is some reason in madness.''

_ Nietzsche. In other words, his work influenced your change into a new person?

_ Isn't man something that shall overcome himself? All of our sufferings come from not being able to overcome your weakness. But this started when I met him. "I chose Literature as a way of escaping from this muzzy and depressing reality. But my parents didn't see it in that way: they saw an opportunity to help me get a stable career. 

I didn't ask for their advice even so I wasn't allowed to choose: I had to finish college, or they would kick me out of their home."

_ But Maria, did you have any idea what you wanted to do? Any passions to follow or a dream strong enough to make you stand up for yourself?

_ Oh, Doc Salazar! I was so busy trying to make my parents proud of me, achieving their toxic expectations that costed my life.

_ Why didn't you explain to them how you were feeling?

_ You think I didn't do that? _ Maria snarls_ "If you don't know which way to take, any option will serve you." That's what they said to me. I wanted to become a writer when I was a kid, but no one would ever read the things I wrote, give feedback.

 As a writer, I was my worst critic, causing me to not believe in my work. ''

_ You had a dream, Maria: suffocated by logic and lack of support. But still, they are crucial to maintaining hope and will to live.

_ But there's something more important than hope: love. However, in both situations, love was an unfamiliar feeling for me.

_ Why? What made you think like that?

Maria looked down, answering in a bitter and nostalgic voice:

_The way they act, the treatment given to me. I analyzed patterns and came to a logical conclusion: they showed "love" towards me when I achieved their unfulfilled dreams one after the other.

As I fulfilled their expectations, a new one appeared: a never-ending work for me.''

The girl lingered before saying with a weird smile.

 _ "One must imagine Sysiphus happy" I tried to follow Camus's idea... 

My family kept making plans for my life while I kept repeating patterns that cost me happiness.

" I am that unlovable? Why don't I love my family? Is this a sin? If I'm a sinner, is this a punishment?" Those thoughts came to my head once in a while, haunting me.

_ Is it lack of love a problem? Everyone should start loving themselves.

_ Oh, doc. I was looking for answers in books, and I found this: '' If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not to love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.'' it is common sense that love is something inherently human.

 According to human beliefs and most stories: love is the most important feeling in a human being.

I understand why you kept nagging me about going out to socialize,

Doctor Salazar.

 Salazar looked entertained while asking:

_So, you were listening to my counseling advice? I thought you were pretending to listen to me.

_ I heard every single word you said, but I didn't know how to get out of a hopeless state. I didn't trust anyone, except for you.

 "Friends, family, and trust weren't words I would say in the same sentence with a positive statement. Friends changes as time pass. The family has their beliefs and makes you swallow them without questions.

 I didn't trust anyone because they didn't give me enough reasons to do so. Something was missing in this beating heart: hope, despair, were fighting inside my soul. I agreed with Nietzsche: hope is the worst of all evils because it prolongs man's torments.

Tormented by an irrational, nameless wish: Life was full of repetitions, I lived in a dreamlike state: searching for something that I could not recall its name or how to find it.

Without a reason to fight, I was dead inside. My heart was numb by living like a tormented soul was beyond tiresome. 

_ That's the reason you wanted to die?

_Honestly? No one wants to die. Flirting with death was a way of sensing some control in my life. I hated myself because of my lack of action because I nearly killed my inner child.

Without motivation or any direction, I lived like any slave from this fucked up world. 

_ I guess you are losing focus here: how did you meet him? What made him so special to you?

Maria paused for a while, smiling and slightly blushing.

_ I was in my last year of college, looking for a job, writing a thesis. There was a mandatory group project as a way of building up a partnership between different colleges. The goal was to stimulate us to teach our native language and learn with foreigners.

An equivalent exchange, to say the least, I had no expectations towards it. In my mind, I only had to finish this quickly and efficiently so I could accomplish the next goal. 

He was my partner in this project: an average-looking man: tall, with dark brown hair, black eyes, slightly tanned skin, glasses. 

 Average-looking yet, so charming and smart. 

For some reason, I felt safe around him and wanted to know him better.

He saw through my facade because he was as hurting as myself.

_How? Why did you think like that?_ Doctor Salazar asked with a concerned expression.

_ I could see it in his eyes. Those who are looking into an abyss of despair know how to recognize each other. There's darkness in their eyes, and we know that eyes don't lie.

_ Aren't you mirroring your expectations of him?

_ No.

_ What makes you think like that?

_ Because I expect nothing from him: I love him. I have no expectations about this: if he likes me romantically, I'll date him. If it's one-sided love, I'll be glad to be his friend.

_ Aren't you aware of the risks? You might get hurt.

_'' There is a hint of madness in love. But also some reason in madness.'' I know that I can hurt myself with it. Still, it's something that I've never wanted so badly in my entire life. 

Doctor Salazar maintained his expression, except for his eyes that looked sad.

_ What are you going to do now? Did you tell your family or friends about it?

_ My friends already know about it. 

Suddenly both of them startled when a cellphone started vibrated loudly at Salazar's table.

Maria apologized _ I talked too much again.

_ No, no! My job is to listen to you, Maria. _ Salazar seemed anxious for no apparent reason.

_ Well, I'll see you at our next session. Thanks for helping me.

Maria turned around to leave.

_ Maria!

_ Yes?

_ Are you going to confess to him?

_ Yeah, I can't keep this feeling inside.

_ ... _ Salazar hesitated before saying:

_ Maria. If he rejects you, know that the right person will see your potential. This person will help you fight against your darkness, and I know you'll do the same to the ones you'll love with no hesitation. If he feels the same towards you, I hope he is a nice guy and makes you happy. 

Maria smiled awkwardly at Doctor Salazar's words.

_ Thanks, Doc. I'll see you next session.

As she closed the door, Salazar dropped himself to the ground.

He put a hand on his face as he mumbled to himself.

_ And again, I couldn't let go of this job. I couldn't tell her about my feelings.  If I could go back in time, I would choose her instead of this job.