Choose

She was my boss and Jake and I had only been dating for a few months. I wasn’t entirely sure what he thought I’d do in this situation, but I don’t think it was going to go the way he thought it would.

I work for a very powerful woman. It’s not Jake’s fault he didn’t know that, I couldn’t share it with him, wouldn’t really, and it just wasn’t serious enough to even bring him into the conversation about possibly opening up the allotted amount of opening I was allowed in romantic relationships. He was essentially fucked as soon as he entered the door and attempted to lay down some sort of law.

“I’m sorry, I don’t believe we’ve met, my name is Angela,” my boss said, “and you must be Jake, I presume? Talia has told me so much about you.”

“Yeah, I’m Jake, and I’m just, I’m sorry, I’m not normally like this,” he said, quivering, “I don’t even know why I’m so nervous. I just, I love her so much, you Talia, I love you. I’ve said it a few times and you just, it’s like you’re somewhere else when I say it. Then you blame it on work and is it? Is it work or is it me and you just don’t want to say anything?”

I’m usually very good when it comes to confrontations, it’s my job as a lawyer, to handle the dirty stuff for me clients, Angela specifically these days, so the fear that made my toes feel uncomfortable so close together in my fancy heels, my skirt feel just a little too tight around my ass, and the stress hives that prickled at my wrists and threatened to crawl up the rest of my arm and force me to take a medication that was for sure going to knock my ass out, was some bullshit. All of it. And now I was mad.

“Jake, what the fuck?” I said.

The look on his face was a hurt one. I think the only time I had seen it was when we saw a commercial about abused animals with that sad Sarah McLachlan song. At the time it was endearing, but today it was infuriating.

“Talia, I just wanted...” he said.

“You just wanted what, Jake? To come in here and boss me around? To tell me what to do? You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to come to my place of business and tell me who I can and cannot work for. Who I have to choose. What I have to do.”

“Talia, I’ll just go and let you two figure this out,” said Angela.

“No, we’re done here,” I said. “If you were looking for a choice, Jake, here it is.”

“What do you mean?” he said. “I, don’t you love me?”

“Jake, it’s been months. Not years, months. I’m not having any of this. And if you think this grand gesture was going to get me all hot and heavy for you? It’s not happening. This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever had happen in the entire thirty-eight years I’ve been on this planet. And I’ve had a lot of weird shit happen to me.”

“I really should just let myself out,” said Angela, “we’ll finish the paperwork when you’re ready.”

My face grows hot and I glare at Jake as Angela closes the door behind her. I sit down at my desk, intertwine my fingers together to keep him from seeing my hands shake, and maintain eye contact. The silence is long, long enough to make me feel uneasy but makes me want to speak even less so as I’m not the one to break it. Breaking it means I lose. Breaking that silence means he can walk out of here feeling as if he’s a victim and I’m not about to let that happen.

The clock ticks on the wall and I focus on the solid rhythm to strengthen my resolve. Jake shuffles where he stands on the other side of my desk, tracing the floral pattern on my carpet with the toe of his shoe. His hands are shoved into his pockets and he plays with some change as he stares at the ground. So, I just stare. I take in his features, the dark brown hair, the blue eyes, strong jaw line and the light stubble that speckles his face. He’s so handsome I couldn’t believe he was talking to me, like the mane I used to dream about had walked right out of my head and into my life.

I was distracted, and it was mostly on my own garbage. Worrying I wasn’t good enough for him, that I was going to ruin everything, that his parents wouldn’t like me, it was endless. I was even planning his Christmas gift and its months away. I only plan for things that matter, for people who are important for me. Maybe I never said anything back because if I admitted it, it would all fade away like some big, cosmic joke. What was I doing, sabotaging the only good thing that had come into my personal life in I don’t know how long. Why was I being so cruel to a man who has only shown me kindness? I had to give in, but he beat me to it.

“I’m sorry, Talia, really I am,” he continued to look at his feet, “but I thought maybe you didn’t want me, or couldn’t want me, because of this job. You’re always on your phone, looking so upset and stressed out, and I just wanted to save you from it.”

“So, you thought some big, grand gesture would do the trick?”

“Yeah, well, obviously that went well, I get it if you’d rather not see me, if you choose this over me.”

“It wasn’t really, work, that was keeping me distracted. I mean, yeah, maybe a little bit, I’ve got a lot going on here at the office and some crazy shit is going down, but, I’m just...”

Angela bursts into room and slams the door shut behind her.

“Get down!” she screams.

We drop to the ground in time to hear the loud bangs of gunfire, or at least, that’s what I thought it was. I scream as bullets pierce the wall behind me as I hold my hands against my ears. An arm wraps around my shoulders and I can feel the weight of Jake as the wallpaper falls in pieces around us. Angela screams one more time, cut short by a gurgle and a wheeze.

Then silence.

I can hear us breathing in sync. I can feel the weight of the situation close in hard around us. I can taste the words on my tongue, and I whisper it so softly I’m not sure he can hear me, that I choose him.

The doorknob wiggles. The door opens despite the resistance from what I can only assume is Angela’s body. A man’s voice, muffled by something, confirms aloud that their target is dead. A soft, muffled response affirms the job is complete, that all they need is the evidence. I can hear Angela’s body drag across the carpet. Jake and I stay put, safe behind the desk. Safe in our own little world.

I’m unsure of how much time goes by, but it feels like an eternity, before either one of us dares to move. He holds his finger to his lips and slowly moves to peek around the side of the desk, but I pull him back. When I kiss him, I think he knows he won.