The final trip

April 2

Only one day left before I leave. It has been a long time coming. I have packed everything I want to keep. It’s all in one duffle bag. Amazing how little I have after all the years here. I said good bye to my neighbor, Jimmy, today. He was sad. He choked up a little. A big tuff guy with tears in his eyes. It didn’t do anything for me. I will never see him again and that doesn’t bother me one little bit. I’m not sure why. We have been next to each other for years and quite often the only person I would talk to for days, but the thought of never seeing him again just doesn’t bring up any emotion.

I wrote momma a letter this morning. It wasn’t very long. Nothing new ever really happens here but I wanted to say hi, let her know I was doing ok. I’ll be gone before she can write back, even be gone before she gets it. The mail here is a little slow.

I didn’t bother writing to any of my brothers and sisters. We haven’t spoken it years and really what’s the point. They never bothered with me why should I bother with them.

I’m trying to pass the time but the clock seems to have stopped. The hours are dragging by. I started a King book called the Green Mile. I shouldn’t have. Wrong subject right now but like all King books I couldn’t put it down. It was kind of sad at the end, but in a weird sort of way, it was a good sad. I know that doesn’t make sense, but it does to me and I’m the only one that will ever see this, so there. Yes I’m sticking out my tongue at the page. May be I’m going insane.

I’m going to try and sleep now. Seems like a waste of time but I have nothing else to do and it will pass the time.

April 3

I’m gone! I was on the bus by 8 this morning. I had the whole thing to myself. It was a long ride and the seat was uncomfortable. I kept telling myself “you are on your way so don’t complain, short term pain for long term gain”. That didn’t work after 4 hours, but I was able to lie down and I slept awhile. The driver didn’t mind a bit. I wasn’t even sure he remembered I was on the bus. At one point he had some country and western on the radio and was singing along at full volume. He can’t sing to well and he didn’t know the words so a lot of it was just him making noise. It was funny for awhile. Then the radio went to static and we went back to quiet and that was nice. The sun was warm on my face. The windows didn’t open but I could enjoy watching the world go by. Lots and lots of open fields and farm land with little white house’s set back from the road every now and then. They are always white, I wonder why that is. And the barn that sits just behind them are always red. Must be a reason why they are all the same. It is nice to see them and imagine the families that live there. It might be just my mood today but I think they are all happy families with lots of kids running around. I did see a couple of rope swings hanging from trees.

When we stopped for gas we were the only ones there. The only other vehicle was an old farm truck sitting off to the side. No one came out of the store either. it was just me and the driver. He didn’t pay anyone but he did wave to someone inside so they must have had some arrangement. A credit account or something like that.

The breeze rustled the scrub brush next to the old truck. It was mesmerizing. I watched for a long time thinking how nice it would be to go sit in the shade of it and fall asleep. I could almost smell the green grass and dry leaves and hear the buzz of the insects that live there.

 Further down the road we had to stop for a fox that was taking her cubs across. They must have been just born because she was carrying them on by one. There must have been a new danger where she had them, such a good little mother. We waited in silence while she did her duties.

The room here is okay. Not too cheery but its short term so I can deal with it. There are a lot of people around. The door is open and they all keep looking in at me. At one point a priest came in and asked me if I wanted to talk. I was polite. I just told him I don’t believe in god. He tried to go into his little speech about forgiveness but I stopped him, I didn’t want to hear it. He said if I needed him he would be around. That was nice I guess. I can’t see changing what I believe just in case. It just seems wrong.

I wrote momma another letter. I don’t think this one will be mailed though. My thoughts aren’t great right now. I sometimes write to her just so I feel like I have someone to talk to. I’m very nervous about tonight and it helps.

I just had dinner. It’s late 1130 pm dinner didn’t come until nearly 11, but it was a good dinner. Fried chicken, mashed potatoes with real butter, sweet corn, strawberry short cake for desert and 2 colas to wash it all down. I was given a third cola incase I wanted it but I haven’t had it yet.

Midnight now. I’m lying on the table. It was a long walk to get here, longer than I thought it would be. My knees were weak feeling for most of it. I had many escorts, two in front, and two in back and one on either side. I don’t understand why, no place to run to even if I did have the strength to try. It was a cold hall too. Outside is hot and humid, but the hall was cold and damp like a basement.

My arms are strapped down. I can feel people behind the glass at my feet. I cannot see them. They have my head strapped down as well, so I can’t raise my head to look at them. All I can see is the ceiling above. They should paint a picture on it if it’s the last thing a man will see. The lights to the left and right are much too bright. I’m surprised they are not the fluorescent type. They are large shaded bulbs. I have never seen this type before.

I have waited thirteen years to get here and I have been afraid for most of them. For the first few years it was disbelief. There was so much to do I didn’t think about the end. I still had hopes for the appeals. Then when they were over the fear started, but it was a distant fear. Then came acceptance with fear mixed in. As the day grew close there wasn’t a single waking hour the fear wasn’t sitting in the pit of my stomach. And now the pills they gave me at dinner took away the feeling of fear but I know I’m afraid. I know that makes no sense but I don’t know how else to put it.

 A lot of people are around me. They are talking low so I can’t make out much. It’s calm in her. Somber almost. Someone just cleaned both arms with an alcohol pad. Imagine that, in just a few minutes they are going to pump poison into me and they don’t want me to get an infection. It would have to take hold real fast to be a problem. I want to laugh now, but I’m holding it back. I wonder if they would give me antibiotics before the poison if they suspected I did get an infection. I’m laughing now. Out loud. I can’t help it. It isn’t funny I know, but for some reason it is. A face leans over me and looks me in the eye. He didn’t speak; he just looked at me with a somber look on his face. I think he thinks I have crazy, gone insane by the stress of it all. That’s not true; there is nothing wrong with going out laughing.

 They are gentle when they put the needles in. I feel just a pinching in both arms. They did both sides at the same time. I wonder if they practice that.

 11:59

The room is empty now. The lights were finally dimmed. They were starting to give me a headache. Not that it mattered but it would be nice to go out feeling good.

They already pumped something into me. I could see the clear liquid travel down the little tube that’s attached to the needle in my arm, the left arm.

I’m high as a kite now, kind of floating. Like when you’re just drifting off to sleep but your still awake enough to know what’s going on around you. Then you start pulling what’s going on into your dreams. I’m like that. It’s almost nice. Too bad it’s the last thing I will feel.

It’s been a long time getting here but now it’s over me. It has been a long trip. I will sleep now.