Unspooled

Submitted into Contest #209 in response to: Set your entire story in a car.... view prompt

18 comments

Coming of Age Contemporary Funny

The car zipped through the treacherous turn.

“Are you crazy? Stop the car, leave us on the road! Life is dear to us if not to you!” Tania fumed.

“Ok, darling. I’m so sorry. I was swept away by the melody of the song and transferred the same energy to the accelerator.” Zafir apologized.

“This ‘sorry’ word I hate; I don't know who invented this word! You disregard an emotion and then walk away with it. Please do not use this word again, at least not with me!” Tania extended her rant.

“Remember, we are supposed to be on a trip, not a slanging match.” Faran chipped in, in a matter- of- fact way.

Both Zafir and Tania were mortified and didn't speak a word for a while.

The car glided on. It was meandering through the mountains with towering hills on both sides. The hills were rocky and barren without a trace of verdure. However, even the barrenness had an element of grandeur; a sense of pride and authority that seemed to have drawn from its enormity and permanence. Also, their presence stood out in the landscape as a lofty monument holding an undisputed crown over other natural features.

“I remember the same act of apology that you managed to extract from your so called ‘guilty conscience’ last year. We were spending a few weeks at my parents’ house and you marched out of the room when my sister came. When I reacted, you immediately quietened me with your overflowing sentimentality. That’s why I hate this word.” Tania was just unstoppable.

Zafir thought he had stirred a raw nerve and put himself in a pretty defenceless position.

“Look at the furry goat standing on top of the hill. Doesn’t it look beautiful?”

“Don’t try to change the subject.” Tania called his bluff.

Zafir was speechless. He knew his wife won’t stop now, so the best strategy was to suspend communication.

“Why have you become a resident of the graveyard, all of a sudden? Don’t you have anything to say? Tania taunted.

“Yes, actually I was concentrating on the road. There are barricades on either side of this stretch of the road, thus squeezing the space for manoeuvre. Zafir made a horrible attempt at diversion.

"Ouch, my foot! I asked you to buy me a pair of comforting sandals. You do not have even 1 rupee to spend on me whereas you splurge on your friends.”

“This is not the case at all and you know that!” Zafir protested.

“I am feeling hungry.” Faran said with a degree of annoyance.

“There are some chips that are lying on the back side.” Take them, Tania advised.

“Ok that will do, thanks.” He searched for the chips but the suit case lying next to the pack of chips broke open and all the clothes flopped to the floor of the car.

“Can’t you do things without upsetting other things?” Tania roared. “You are like your father always messing up things even when offering a helping hand.”

“I think I took the wrong turn.” Zafir chimed in.

“Have you ever taken the right turn in your life? It reminds me of your sullen behaviour when we went to Islamabad with my friends. All the time you behaved so sulkily. Why do you go to a place if you do not want to put a merry face? It was so embarrassing for me but you have got nothing to do with my emotions. I am just like a servant who needs to be bossed around and when it comes to the satisfaction of my needs, even trifling ones, it becomes impossible for you to fulfil and then you make tall claims of keeping me happy! Why can’t you shed this façade and be straight with me. What’s the purpose of driving if you can’t navigate! Faran, give me the map on the mobile. If I leave it your father’s hands, we will only reach our destination in a month’s time if not more and there is no guarantee if we reach at all!"

“I think, I deserve some better assessment.” Zafir frowned.

“On the contrary, I think you will fail the next driving test. How on earth did they pass you? I think they must have been blind. Now do as I tell you!” Tania retorted.

"Take the next turn on the right. It is still 5 km away, so keep driving straight for a while. I’ll remind you once you come within striking distance.”

“Ok, thanks for this huge favour.” Zafir just nodded his head as a mark of disapproval.

Eventually, the turn came and the car did some course correction.

“Faran, remember to study the last 2 chapters of history when you come back. You have become so lethargic. You need to pull up your socks to stand any chance of getting a distinction.”

“Papa, I am supposed to be on a fun trip not an educational one!" Faran protested.

“What's this way of dealing with your child? You seem to be unduly angry with him. You are putting him down for no reason. He did so well in history. How can your memory be like a sieve? You forget things so fast and your son handling is a blotch on fatherly care. You are good for nothing!”

“I was only reminding him of the things to be done.” Zafir defended himself in a poor way.

“But your timing is so wrong. You bring in numbers when we talk of alphabets and bring in alphabets when statistics are the name of the game! When will you act like a true father?”

The car took a swerve as Zafir lost control of it trying to complete his statement.

“Please do one thing at a time. You are not a multi tasker as you wrongly claim to be. Remember how you tripped and wasted the whole wok of gravy and rice while trying to communicate on the phone. It cost us dearly. Do not try to step out of your limitations. Please, while driving concentrate on the car and do not speak." Tania sounded instructive.

 “But just now you taunted me for my lack of speech.” Zafir retorted.

“Timing honey, timing! You don’t seem to have a sense of timing.” Tania held her head in her arms and closed her eyes while uttering this statement.

Zafir knew the limits had been crossed and he desparately wanted to calm things down. Fate timely intervened to help his cause.

“A police car just signalled me to stop.” Zafir said with an air of indifference.

“Are you sure? Tania enquired

“Yes the headlight just beeped at me.” Zafir replied.

“Then pull over.” Tania advised.

Zafir pulled over and the policeman approached with a stately demeanour.

“Your back side window glass is pasted with sight blocker cover. It is not allowed.” The police officer explained.

“But it is translucent not completely covering view.” Zafir tried to justify.

“Even this is not allowed.” The policeman averred.

“Give me your ID card and license.”

He hesitatingly gave it but requested for reconsideration.

“Rules are rules; Non-negotiable.”

“Why on earth did you put on this cover?” Tania asked in a complaining tone.

“I thought translucent covers are legitimate.” Zafir shrugged.

“See, now you have incurred another fine. I could have used this money to buy my bangles.”

Tania blurted out a scream again and held her foot in her hands.

“Oh, my foot has swollen. You don’t even take me to the doctor.” Tania groaned in pain.

“Ok, don’t worry, we will head towards the first doctor that I come across, when we reach our destination”. Zafir tried to reassure her.

By that time, evening had started to replace the brightness of the afternoon and a layer of orange had slowly made its way to the horizon. The change of texture of the sky also had its effect on Faran as he dozed off into a seemingly pleasant dream.

“This is our last ride together before we part ways. You have to live with Faran for almost 4 years. There will be brief episodes of reunion but this is pretty much the end of that long lasting togetherness at least for the next 4 years, so let’s make the most of it.” Zafir suddenly adopted a tone of seriousness.

"Yes, I agree, we have had our moments, haven’t we? There have been squabbles but they were neutralized by the whiffs of tenderness that emerged from unexpected quarters” Tania also seemed to have softened her tone.

"I thank you for all the support you have provided me in making me the person that I am today. There were moments when I lost interest in life only to be revivified by your warm embrace that brought back the dying sparks of my enthusiasm. My non- expressive nature always stopped me from acknowledging this energy but today I am making a candid admission about your contribution.” Zafir continued as if held in a trance.

“Why didn’t you express it in the first place? Things could have been rosier, ruddier and more romantic if you had expressed it before.” Tania seemed to complain but even in that complaint there was tenderness.

“I believe I was afraid of myself. I have a nature that loves to privatize its thoughts and actions. They are tightly sealed in the compartment of my heart and I exert myself to ensure that the keys to this confinement even remain hidden from my curious glances of inquiry.” Zafir tried to explain the logic behind it.

“All that time I believed you were cold and detached with no feelings at all but this revelation startles me! At times, I tried to search behind the crust of deadpan expressions but was often misled and it all ended in making me even more confused.”

Zafir looked at his wife and a wisp of a smile erupted on his face. Tania reciprocated. Just at that moment of sublimity, Faran squeaked.

“Why didn’t you stop for chips at the coffee shop?”

“It was daddy once again who dropped the thought from his dismissive memory.” Tania retreated into her combative mode.

This evoked a chuckle from Zafir. The car slickly moved some distance closer to its destination as starlight spangled the sky.















July 31, 2023 10:06

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18 comments

Helen A Smith
08:40 Aug 16, 2023

Zafir’s wife is constantly on at him about everything! The stresses of a car journey are well depicted here. Zafir seems more of a dreamer than his practical wife. Her snipe about the graveyard has a comical ring. The poor man can’t seem to win, but then for people who always want things right this dreaminess can be irritating trait. There is beauty and grandeur in the scenery which is missed by someone focused on the irritations. I enjoyed your dialogue Shahzad.

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Shahzad Ahmad
20:00 Aug 16, 2023

Thanks Helen for your elaborate critique and for pointing out merits of the story. I am so happy to find out that you liked the dialogue as I really tried hard to make it count. May God bless you and your stories.

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Helen A Smith
20:02 Aug 16, 2023

I definitely saw an improvement in your dialogue.

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Shahzad Ahmad
20:04 Aug 16, 2023

Thanks Helen, it really encourages me to continue working towards honing my craft as much as I can.

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Helen A Smith
20:09 Aug 16, 2023

I think you are doing and will continue to do so. It’s hard work this writing business, but can be rewarding.

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Shahzad Ahmad
14:20 Aug 17, 2023

Well said. Thank you and may you also continue to grow as a writer.

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Kevin Logue
17:15 Aug 08, 2023

Straight into the action Shahzad. An enjoyable tale, the dialogue stands out most for me. Good job 👍

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Shahzad Ahmad
17:50 Aug 08, 2023

Thanks Kevin. I am glad you liked it. Good luck with your stories.

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Russell Mickler
17:57 Aug 07, 2023

Hi Shahzad! Loved the start - right into the action! From the get go, the dialogue feels very boxy, like, robotic, and maybe that’s the affect you’re trying to lay down … I’m continuing to read! Ouch, so called guilty conscience :) “Why have you become a resident of the graveyard…” instead of “Wow, why are you a ghost?” Or something. Again, kind of robotic, but very intriguing - it’s driving me on, in fact, pushing me to wonder who these people are as I enter the mid-section of the story … OMG Zafir’s companion/wife? (Tania) is very obno...

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Shahzad Ahmad
21:36 Aug 07, 2023

Thanks Russell for your acute observation of the different dimensions to my story. You seem to have analyzed the story bit by bit and pretty effectively too. It will help me grow as a writer. Good luck with your stories and deep appreciation of your insightful analysis. May God bless you.

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Mary Bendickson
17:15 Jul 31, 2023

Yes, some of the best and some of the worse come out when confined on a long car ride.

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Shahzad Ahmad
18:02 Jul 31, 2023

Thanks Mary for your comment. You are always the first one to do it. I appreciate your kind gesture.

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Mary Bendickson
18:20 Jul 31, 2023

I have you on my follow list then I look under stories to activity to see new posts from people I follow.

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Shahzad Ahmad
19:21 Jul 31, 2023

Thanks for following my stories. May God help you with your stories too.

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