My Funny Vampires

Shirley grabbed Monty by the shoulders and yelled, ”Monty, you have to at least look at this. In five different vampire novels there is a vampire named Grior who drains the blood of a girl named Shirley. The authors are German, American, French, Czech, and Dutch. I have contacted all of the authors and they don’t know each other. Hell, they were unaware of each other.”

Monty lolled his eyes and said “Good grief Shirley, you are really paranoid---or stupid. Do you think some vampire is trolling you? Let me ask you, do you actually believe in vampires? Seriously? You can’t think that some vampire has inspired five different writers to write about you and him? Are 

you for real?”

“The answer to all your questions is a resounding, ‘yes.’ In fact, that is the only answer to what you think is an enormous coincidence. It’s real and it’s terrifying. I don’t know why I am telling you with your cynicism. I have lots of garlic and a silver knife I borrowed from Joan Baez’s mother. I wish you could help me but I guess you would be useless against a real vampire. You would probably soil your pants.”

“Well, oddly enough,, Shirley, I have an old friend who claims to be a vampire hunter. I never took him seriously, no one did. But. Why don’t I contact him and see what he thinks. He lives in Seattle, not far away.” Monty patted her on the head and said, “I will look after my little baby, Koochy koo.”

“Stop it Monty. I am serious and I am scared. You know I have been reading fantasy and history for a long time and I have never seen anything like this. Please speak with your friend right away. I am sure you don’t want to have to try to find another girl friend and I’ll bet you will feel bad when I die. Maybe I will become a vampire and come after you.”

“Serve me right wouldn’t it? OK, I’ll call Ted right now,” and Monty picked up his cell phone.

“Hey, Ted, Monty.” “Yeah, how you doing? Still hunting vampires?” “No, no, Ted, I am not calling to harass you. Just the opposite. Do you remember Shirley?” “Yeah, really beautiful, really smart, I like her.” “Yeah.” “Yeah, well she is a voracious reader and loves fantasy and history. She’s on a run of five books with a weird coincidence. In each book there is a vampire name Grior who takes a girl named Shirley.” “What, wait, what Ted, calm down.” “No, wait, you are trying to find this guy?” “No, you’re serious? The guy has a history?” “Ah damn, Ted, can you come down right away? I will send you money for the flight and text you our address. Could you get here by tonight?” “OK, good, see you tonight. Text me your flight info. Treat yourself to business class. See you tonight.”

“Oof, I can’t believe this,” said Monty.

Shirley was scowling at him. ”Monty, see, I’m so scared. Do you think this guy, Ted, can do anything?”

“Ted was definitely not in your circle in high school. I doubt that he was in anybody’s circle. A real loner who wore black clothes. I think the same set, lonely, all the time because he had a slight smell about him. I had him in my math class and he was beyond brilliant. I think the math teacher was in awe of him. For some reason, I paid attention to him and I always liked him. I bet you will recognize him.” Monty was looking pretty intensely at Shirley. “Shirley, I don’t know what to say. I do feel that you are justified in being scared, but I just cannot accept that there are vampires. Do you know anybody besides Ted who would? Damn. Give me a hug.”

“I am the one who needs the hug,” Shirley said and moved to hold Monty.

The day moved like a lazy turtle across the sky. Shirley’s anxiety grew like Jack’s beanstalk. They left their home in the Forest Hills section of San Francisco to head to the airport around 7:30. Monty had a brand new Porsche he was quite proud of, all electric and faster than a San Francisco kid on a skate board. They parked, went inside to the security gate and Ted was already there. “I remember you! We used to call you ‘The Black Lone Ranger.’ I can’t believe it. It is actually nice to see you.”

“Ha,” replied Ted, smiling. He was dressed in all black as usual but he had a really sophisticated look to him. He made Shirley think of aloof, European nobility. Ted looked at Monty and said, “well, you look good Monty and look at her. I don’t understand how she could have become more beautiful, but she is taking my breath away.”

Monty laughed and shook Ted’s hand. “Well, you’ve grown up a bit Ted. You look like a full-on movie star or a foreign diplomat. Of course, you just snowed Shirley.” They all laughed.

Ted had a small, thin and very black suitcase that seemed to emanate a sense about it. One side had a strange dark mark in the center. “Wow,” said Ted as they approached Monty’s car. “Nice wheels, Monty.”

They headed back to the city with Shirley in the back seat. Suddenly, Grior appeared in the seat next to her. Shirley tried to scream but couldn’t. Ted turned and saw Grior just as he disappeared. “Pull over, Monty. Quick.”

Monty pulled onto the freeway shoulder and Ted jumped. He ran around the car and got in the backseat with Shirley. “God’s sake, Shirley,” he said taking her hand. “How did you know it was him? Have you seen him before?”

Shirley grabbed on to Ted, crying. “No, no, I just knew. Did you see he was smiling?”

Ted untangled himself and took Shirley’s hand. “I can’t believe he would show himself like that. I have come across Grior a few times before. He knows me so he is taunting me and scaring you. He has a theory that a victim’s blood flows more freely when she is scared.”

Ted paused. “I am sorry to scare you more, but this is a powerful, ancient vampire and he will come tonight.”

Shirley was whimpering, “Can we hide Ted?”

“There is no where to hid from a vampire like this one. When people read those books you read, they won’t see the references to Grior. He was definitely communicating with you. Setting you up for your blood to flow.”

Monty was staring from the front seat. “Shirley, honey, I am so sorry. This is awful. Ted, I will do whatever I can, whatever you tell me to do. We have got to protect Shirley. God.”

“Yes,” said Ted. “If only there were a God to save us from creatures like this, but in all my hunting, I have not seen Him. Or Her. Let’s get Shirley home.”

“Ted, if he does take me, will I become a vampire?”

“Well, he wouldn’t normally but you are so beautiful. He maintains a small harem of beautiful women and boys. That’s probably what has drawn him to you.”

“It’s a funny thing Monty. I have always felt my beauty was a curse.” They drove home in silence.

Once they got home in Forest Hills they noticed that the woods looked darker than usual, sinister. They went inside and Ted quickly opened his suitcase. He pulled out an ornate talisman and hung it around his neck. Shirley ran quickly to her bedroom and found the silver knife. She also hung a silver cross around her neck and grabbed the bag of garlic.

Back in the living room, they all sat down and wondered what would happen next. It didn’t take long. They shuddered to hear a long, low chuckle. Evil was in the room.

“I think I will materialize slowly to get that blood pumping good,” Grior said softly. “Hello all, especially you, sweet Shirley. You look ready.”

“Stand down evil one,” said Ted as he displayed the talisman. Shirley waved the bag of garlic.

“Ha ha, that’s a good one,” laughed Grior. “I guess you don’t believe in vampires, Shirley. Well, at least Monty didn’t. You didn’t until I started sending you messages. That was fun. As for you Ted, I am tiring of you.” Grior pointed a finger at the talisman, wiggled his finger and the talisman disappeared. I’ve decided to let you two men watch me take Shirley, then I’ll treat you as dessert.” He started towards Shirley.

Flash! A blinding glow of light filled the room. There appeared three stunningly beautiful women in the room with very long teeth. One was actually blond and she spoke first. “Relax you cretin. We have grown very, very tired of you and your insatiable appetite. Plus, there is no room in our harem for another woman, especially one this beautiful.” Immediately, the three vampires attacked Grior before he could move. They tore him to pieces, took the knife from Shirley and stabbed Grior in the heart. Grior dissolved into a small pile of sand.

Ted gasped, “Thank you ladies. So pleased to meet you,” and reached into his suitcase.

“So nice to meet you Ted. It looks like our numbers match up quite nicely. We are all so thirsty,” said the blond vampire.

She was right on Ted’s throat sucking deeply and each of the other two had their fangs in Monty’s and Shirley’s throats.

The suddenly deceased lay on the floor. The vampires were sated and laughing. “Lady and gentlemen, we decided to start our own harem and you will be our first, honored members. Congratulations.”

Slowly, the bodies rose and stood with puncture wounds in the neck. They stood wobbly and looked grimly at each other. Reborn. Sort of.