I Remember

Sometimes I still think back to everything that happened. It's been so long that most of it blurs together. The years blended together, events got muddled together and mixed up. So much had just fallen out of order. But other parts of it I remember so sharply. Vivid images and clear noises despite the years and years that have passed by. Memories so deeply ingrained in my brain that I can never forget them. Good, bad, terrible, and beautiful. The best moments of my life and horrors that still haunt each in  my darkest dreams. All of those memories were so complex and deep, saved as snapshots in my mind. 

I remember how she grabbed my arm and led me through the crowd. We were pushed and shoved and crashed into but of course I still followed her. I would have followed her anywhere. How could I not. Her long, auburn hair twisted into a braid, cascading down her back. The brilliant rainbow flag draped across her shoulders. The sign thrust skyward in her hand. I forget the words that had been written on it but I couldn’t forget the way she held it. Strong and proud and unrelenting. Her deep brown eyes set on mine and a smile as bright and beautiful as the sun. She loved me and I loved her and in that moment that was the only thing that mattered. How young and wild and proud we had been.   

I remember the yelling. The terrible words hurled at all of us. Threats and cries and ear piercing shouts. Even after all this time I don’t think I will be able to forget some of the things they said. Those words shouldn’t have mattered but they did. It cut straight to my heart to hear those things. I felt such indescribable pain knowing that they hated us without even knowing us. It still does. While the shock and the pain may have faded it still hurts. They spoke of the wrath of God and conveniently forgot all of God’s messages of acceptance and love. If they had really cared about their God they would have stood with us instead of against.

I remember the crowds and streets brimming with people. We walked and walked and walked. Pulled and pushed forward by those around us as if we were being tugged out from the shore by the tides in the ocean. Bright laughter and joyful cheers completely surrounded us. I could barely hear the people next to me over the loud noises but I didn't quite mind. I was just so glad to be there. Finally content surrounded by people like me, who felt like I did and who wanted what I did. It felt like all the loneliness and isolation that had overwhelmed me in the past was just fading away into nothing. The overwhelming feeling of pride and joy swelled in me. I can still see the vibrant, colorful flags being waved high in the cloudless blue sky and signs being thrust into the air, written on them were our messages held high for the whole world to see. 

I remember many dark and sleepless nights spent wondering if all of this was even worth it. It felt like there was so much sacrifice and so little reward at times. Too much pain and too little hope. Everything I wanted seemed so far out of reach. It was all so simple too. Every lofty goal should have just been a given. Equality, acceptance, and basic human rights shouldn’t have been something we had to fight for. We were so young too. We were just children begging for our spot in the world. Begging to be allowed to just exist with fear and torment. But looking back on it of course it was worth it. Every single second of it. 

I remember the speech a young man gave. There were so many speeches but for some reason this one stood out to me. He was tall and thin with a halo of curly dark brown hair. He didn’t look like much but too assume that would be the furthest thing from the truth. He talked in a way that was both so calm and loud at the same time. I could feel the passion in his words. His unwavering voice carried like a gust of wind over the large crowd. He spoke unapologetically about who he was and the future he wanted. It was as if he were painting a beautiful and vivid picture with only his words. I could see it all so clearly in front of me as he talked. I wanted so badly to live in that perfectly wonderful place he saw as the future. He made me believe we could actually do it. He gave us a reason to move to keep moving forward and to not give up. I am forever grateful to have stumbled across the most profound thing I would ever hear. 

I remember so so so much more but nothing quite as beautiful as that one day. The date was June 26, 2015. I remember the look on her face when she first heard the news. I remember how she let out a soft laugh as the words touched her ears and her face bursted into a shocked but gleaming smile. I remember how he cried tears of pure joy, small droplets of water catching on his long eyelashes and tears pooling in clear hazel eyes. I remember their wonderful and lively cheers. I remember bits and pieces of our frantic, excited conversations. I remember how I had felt ecstatic and overjoyed and invincible. Finally all of our efforts had paid off. There was so much more to come and still a long road ahead of us. Things may not have been perfect but at that moment it did not matter. Nothing could dull the delight that I felt in that moment. It is something I hope that I never forget.