Letting It Go

The cold winter air wraps around me like a cleansing blanket. The magic of Christmas surrounds us, mesmerizing in its beauty. Gold's and silver's line tall, thick pine trees. Lights twinkle and dance on buildings, wrapping their way down tree trunks and up poles.

I grin at my sister, a child-like giddy overcoming me. There's nothing I love more than the Christmas season. My sister, on the other hand, believes Christmas to be a ploy for big companies to steal citizens' money.

Her long, thick black hair whips around her with the biting wind. Her expression is stoic as we stride purposefully toward the cozy-seeming cafe. She despises all things that distract her from her work, but she didn't want to upset mom.

At least, that's what I think is going on here. She hasn't said a word since we met up at Central Park. The walk here was lengthy and cold, but it was easy for me to distract myself from her aloof behaviour when I looked at all the festivities. The storm in her eyes scares me.

I push away the bad feeling, the giddy feeling in my chest only growing as I see my mother and father sitting stiffly in a booth through the cafe window. I pick up my pace, feeling as if a gust of wind is at my heels.

Entering the small cafe, I briefly shut my eyes, feeling the warmth cast a tingling sensation on my cold skin. Kayla groans quietly when she notices our dad standing up and heading this way.

He wraps his thick arms around me in a firm hug. I'm almost taken aback by his open display of affection, but decide to go along with it.

"Son," he says gruffly, emotion swirling in his voice. It makes me feel like a child whenever I'm wrapped up in his warm arms. Kayla, clearly, does not.

She stiffens and her arms stay at her sides and dad embraces her. She glares up at the ceiling as if it offended her until he releases her.

"Kayla," he says warmly, his eyes soft. She gives him an incredulous look before stalking off in the direction of mom. Dad stands still a moment, sadness consuming his posture, hunching his shoulders.

The scene reminds me of countless times in my childhood. Kayla and dad have always had a rocky relationship, but it was the worst when Kayla was in Highschool. The only way they knew how to communicate was through yelling. I thought it had gotten better when Kayla moved, but I guess I was wrong.

Quietly, I lead dad back to his chosen spot, rambling on about anything and everything to distract him. He gives me a tight smile as he sits down, sliding his arm around mom.

I smile warmly at mom, holding her small hand in mine. She looks just how I remember her, maybe a little older. Tired and worn, but still with the same softness around the edges.

I talk about how college is, how strange some of the people are. Dad asks me endless questions, what I think about my professors, how I'm handling the workload. I answer all of them, but no matter what I do, I can't seem to defuse the tension.

The entire time we talk, Kayla's behaviour distracts me. Anger and grief I briefly remember line her face. They look like at any moment, they'll burst out from inside her. She seems...unstable.

It's almost a relief when the waitress comes to set down our drinks, distracting from the painfully tense atmosphere. A warm fog-like smoke drifts from my coffee. I take a tentative sip, eyeing Kayla and dad.

"Alright, that's it," I say decidedly, exasperation colouring my tone, "I've been ignoring it for an hour now, but it just keeps getting worse,

"What is up with you two?" I ask, addressing my father and sister. Kayla looks at me as if I've just slapped her.

"What is up with me? What is up with you?!" she explodes, drawing the attention of the few customers trying to enjoy their own drinks.

I stare at her blankly, waiting for her to continue. I learned that this is the best method when dealing with a raging woman.

"How can you pretend everything is alright?" She asks, the anger that was laced in her voice now gives way to broken sadness, "How can you pretend to love him, when he," she says accusingly at dad, making him wince, "Has ruined this family!"

I give her a steady look, understanding dawning over me. "Kayla," I begin lowly, trying to calm her down, "That's all in the past now. Can't you forgive him?"

This only fans her flames, making her slam the palms of her hands on the table. She points an accusing finger at me, "He broke us, Jasy! Can't you see that?"

I flinch at her tone, wondering how she could think such a thing. He's better now; dad isn't the way he was before, angry and abusive.

His hands used to damage everything they touch. Now, he has found a way to use them more effectively. Now, they're only used for accounting.

Dad's face looks worn as he gazes at Kayla, aged beyond his years. His face is lined with more wrinkles than should be normal for a forty-three-year-old. Stress has taken away his youth.

Mom starts crying, Kayla ignores her and continues, "If it weren't for him-" she sucks in a sharp, angry breath, "My fiance wouldn't have left me!"

I gape at her. So this is what it's really about. I soften my voice, trying to soothe her.

"Kayla..."

She puts up a hand, stopping me in my tracks. "Just don't, Jasy."

I shut my mouth.

"I just can't seem to get away from the stupid lies that make me like that-that monster!" she growls at dad, spit flying from her mouth.

Abruptly, she stands up and leans in towards Dad's face. "This is all your fault," she hisses between clenched teeth, "I'll never, ever forgive you!"

I stand up slowly, my hands out in a position that doubles as comforting Kayla and protecting me from an outburst.

"He's different now, Kayla," I tell her softly, reaching for her hand. She slaps it away.

"You can't smooth over everything this monster has done,"

She glares at us and walks away, leaving mom in her sorrow and dad in his guilt. I look at her back as she walks away.

I don't see an unforgiving, hardheaded woman. I see a child. A child who's afraid of letting in the person who hurt her. Who broke her.

As I sit trying to comfort my parents, I wonder if she's right. I wonder if I did the right thing in letting the pain go. Because no matter what, people don't truly change. It's always deep inside them, festering. Building and building until it bursts and breaks the ties that bind us.