Precious Memories

The breeze of a cool autumn evening rode gently through Jim’s hair as he drove down the highway. Route 71 was always so scenic during the fall. The sun was still high enough to give light to the earth, but just low enough to be the golden sunset color. It danced beautifully off the changing leaves on the trees that lines the wooded highway. The smell of autumn permeated everything. Inhaling its scent brought back childhood memories of raking the leaves, hot chocolate, pumpkin pie, and murdering his family. He loved the feeling of their blood covering his naked body as he twisted his nipples, looking at their grotesque bodies. Wait…WHAT?!

Jim shot up from his bed in a heavy sweat, disoriented, and naked. He realized his bed was metal slab with a thin piece of bedding. He also discovered he was strapped down to the bed. Jim was terrified. Where was he? What was going on? Why did he dream about killing his family? He freaked out and pulled at his straps, but no matter how hard he fought, he couldn’t get the straps to budge.

“Good morning, James Jackson,” a soft voice that filled the room said. “Please remain calm. A representative will be with you shortly. Resistance is futile.”

Jim thought the voice sounded like a computer. It was certainly digital but also soft and reassuring, except the “resistance is futile” part. Whatever the hell that meant. Jim looked around the room, but it was dark. All he could see was the bright lights shining back at him. He decided it was time to act.

He thought for a moment. “Uh…computer. Uh…where am I?”

As suddenly as he said that, the room lights came on. He was surrounded by metal walls and weird instruments the likes of which he’d never seen. Jim could not help but think he was in some sort of exam room. Everything was so sleek and clean, so it was not the local doctor’s office. Dr. Langton was about 900 years old and needed to retire. He always smelled like prunes and cheese, and he recently gave up the practice of bleeding patients to heal fevers. He distinctly remembered one day when Dr. Langton called COVID the “chink flu.” That’s when Jim decided he needed a new doctor. He didn’t remember getting one yet, though, so where was he?

As the thought crossed Jim’s mind, some barbaric creature walked in. It was tall, thin, and purple! Jim saw it had longer than normal arms, more than five fingers, weird eyes, no hair, and splotches of green over its body.

“Good morning, James Jackson,” the thing said, “My name is Beta. I am your assigned examiner.”

Jim couldn’t believe his eyes. He thought this character was wearing a costume, but the sudden realization washed over his body that this thing was no costumed fool, but a real live…alien. The reality of being face to face with an alien was too much for Jim. A burst of nausea rushed over Jim as the warmth left his body. The last thing he felt was the back of his head smack the exam table.

As suddenly as his head hit the table, Jim was laying in his bed, except it was not his normal bed. His bed was smaller than he remembered, and it was covered in a Dallas Cowboys comforter he got for Christmas from his mom. He looked around and saw his small room was covered in posters of emo punk bands, Cowboys cheerleaders, and video games. He looked left and stopped when he saw another person in his small bed. He examined the person closer and saw it was a girl. She was petite, blonde, and had sexy curves from head to toe. Her tiny waist was heavily complimented by her plump booty. Jim remembered it was his high school girlfriend, Peighton, whom he met in Spanish class. They hit it off on day one of class when she introduced herself and said, “Yeah, Peighton, like the quarterback.” Jim was instantly in love. Jim touched her naked body and ran his hands over her silky-smooth skin.

“Hey, babe,” Jim said softly.

Peighton turned over, and to Jim’s horror, she had a huge beard, hairy chest, and six nipples. “Hey, gay boy,” she said in a baritone voice.

Jim screamed. He jumped up, revealing more of Peighton’s body. The horror of a thousand nightmares washed over him when he saw Peighton’s huge penis. The urge to vomit was never so strong in his life.

“What’s wrong, baby? Don’t you want to fuck?”

Jim screamed and shot up from his bed in a heavy sweat, only to realize he was naked. He felt the cold sting of his metal bed that was poorly covered by a thin piece of bedding. He was terrified, wondering where-

Wait, Jim thought, I’ve done this before. He turned his head and saw the purple monster, remembering the horror and shock he felt when the thing walked in.

“Good morning, James Jackson,” the thing said. “I’m Beta.” The thing pointed to himself. He then pointed to a second purple thing that was not there before Jim fainted. “This is my assistant, Theta. We are your assigned examiners.”

The reality of being face to face with two aliens was too much for Jim. A burst of nausea rushed over Jim as the warmth left his body. The last thing he felt was the back of his head land softly onto something bony.

THWACK!

Jim was jolted awake by a hard smack.

“Damn it all!” Beta said. He shook Jim and brought him up to eye level. “Stop passing out you simpleton. We’re aliens. We get it. Now stay awake. We have important exams to perform, and I can’t do them all while you’re asleep!”

Jim shook with fear. “S…s…sorry,” he said with a stutter.

Beta released Jim. “Thank you. Now, if you could refrain from screaming. The metal walls reverberate the sound in a most awful fashion, and it really hurts our audio holes. You know these holes as ‘ears.’”

Jim sat silent with an astonished look on his face.

Theta moved to Jim’s right side as Beta remained on his left. Theta moved some sharp-looking instruments over to the exam table. Jim had never seen them before, and he was horrified.

“Please, don’t,” Jim said uncontrollably.

“Don’t what?” Beta asked.

“The sharp things. I’ve heard the stories. Please. I don’t want to be anally probed.”

Beta scratched his head. “Well, good news, James Jackson, that’s not what any of those tools are for. The anal happens when you are asleep.”

“WHAT?!” Jim was wrought with shock and terror. “What the hell have you done to me?!”

Beta raised his hand to signal Jim to calm down. “Please, human, relax. The probe is only to examine your internal organs and obtain stool samples to extrapolate information about your diet. Which brings me to my next point.”

“You have one of the worst colons we’ve ever seen, and we have been looking in people’s anuses since the Sixties,” Theta said with a disgusted look on his face.

“Thank you, Theta,” Beta said with an annoyed tone. “What he meant to say was don’t you think there are other foods besides peanuts, red meats, and beer cheese? And Totino’s pizza rolls? You seem to eat a lot of those.”

Jim was impressed. “You can tell I eat pizza rolls just by probing me?”

“No,” Beta said. “We found a moldy pizza roll in your jacket when we abducted you. We just figured that was your staple food based on empirical data.”

“Oh,” Jim said, depressed they had both anally probed him and figured out his staple food with little effort. “Well, what other tests have you run?”

“We are still analyzing your semen sample,” Beta said.

“How did you get my semen?” Jim said worriedly.

Beta smiled. “Oh. That was the easiest part of this experiment. We just used our sexual stimulation module to elicit a fresh specimen.”

Jim looked worried and confused.

“I’ll save you all the technical terminology,” Beta continued. “The machine used a device to stimulate your prostrate via your anus until your sexual organ was in prime position for reproduction. Then, phase two of the machine wrapped its flesh simulating apparatus around your penis and made repeated violent upward and downward movements until ejaculation.”

Jim could barely muster the words to speak. “You went in my ass, twice, and jerked me off?!”

Beta nodded. “Yes. How else would we obtain a sample?”

“You could have just asked!” Jim yelled.

“Why would we ask?” Theta said.

“Precisely, James Jackson,” Beta said. “Let’s be honest with each other. No one wants to masturbate for aliens. Except maybe people from Florida. They’re weird. Plus, we have the masturbator machine. Why not use it?”

Jim was appalled. “You raped me!”

Beta was confused. “What is rape?”

Jim responded, “It’s when you force someone to have sex with you against their will.”

“So what? Isn’t that how everyone does it?” Theta asked.

“You can’t have sex with someone if they’re not okay with it. You could go to prison for that.”

Beta and Theta were confused. Beta looked at Jim. “You mean to suggest that earthlings require consent for sexual interaction?”

“Yes!” Jim said.

“So,” Beta said, “You're saying if I were an earthling, and I saw an earthling with which I wanted to mate, I could not spear them and mate with them until they either produced or died?”

Jim looked at Beta with disgust and awe. “No. That’s rape and murder. Those are both illegal.”

Beta and Theta looked at each other with confusion and concern.

“Well,” Beta said, “I suppose we should talk about the statute of limitations next, but first, on with the examination.”

Jim was scared. “What…what are you going to do to me?”

Theta laughed. “Nothing that you will remember.”

Beta chuckled. “He is correct, James Jackson. We will give you amnestic narcotics so you neither feel pain nor remember what happened to you here. You will forget all about this abduction. Trust me. We’ve been wiping people’s memories for over sixty years. That’s why you have never heard about us.”

Jim gave Beta a concerned look.

“Why do you look so perplexed, James Jackson?” Beta asked.

“People have been talking about alien abductions and probing for decades,” Jim responded. “We’ve known about it for years. There’s a whole channel on TV dedicated to aliens. Some people even think you guys built the pyramids.”

Beta and Theta looked at each other with great concern.

Theta turned to Jim. “You mean to say our amnestics have not been working this whole time?!”

“Yes,” Jim said cautiously.

Beta put his hands on the exam table and stretched out his freakish arms. He seemed to think for a long time, contemplating the information Jim told him.

“It’s settled,” Beta finally said after a long silence. “This is the information we need to finally exterminate all earthlings. The human genocide will be the most treacherous, diabolical, malevolent execution of a species in the history of the Milky Way. Thank you, James Jackson, you and you alone have finally provided the information needed to convince High Command to carry out the Final Solution. Come Theta, we have much to do.”

Jim was horrified. What had he done?! “No! Wait!”

“Don’t worry, James Jackson,” Theta said, “we will return to rape and disembowel you.”

Jim screamed as they left the exam room. He cried and thrashed with all his might. Alas, he could not free himself. He sat alone, depressed, and devastated that he doomed the entire human race to extinction. He vomited all over himself. He was stunned, feeling hopeless and helpless strapped naked to a metal table when all the sudden, a deafening screech and blinding light pierced his very being. He was paralyzed by the sound and light, both of which knotted his nerves and twisted his muscles. He felt incredible pain. Fearing death, all he could think about were the flaming hot Cheetos going stale in his cabinet. What a fucken loser I am, he thought. The cold embrace of death soon overcame him as the world went black and his senses gave in to the void.

The breeze of a cool autumn evening rode gently through Jim’s hair as he lay in his bed with the window open. The sun was still high enough to give light to the earth, but just low enough to be the golden sunset color. It danced beautifully off the changing leaves on the trees that lines the wooded street that led into his neighborhood. The smell of autumn permeated everything. Inhaling its scent brought back childhood memories of raking the leaves, hot chocolate, pumpkin pie, and spending evenings outside near the bonfire with his family. He loved the feeling of the fire warming his skin through the thin flannel jacket he used to wear; he loved the smell of the fire, and the way the marshmallows tasted with just the right crisp upon a fresh graham cracker and Hershey’s chocolate.

Jim woke up slowly to the sound of laughter outside his window. He shot up from his bed in a heavy sweat, only to realize he was home. He was afraid and confused. Was it all a dream? Was it some NyQuil-fueled nightmare? Jim looked outside and saw everything was the way he remembered it when he last saw it all before…was it a dream? He didn’t know. Was this a dream? He punched himself in the gut and felt the pain of instant regret and muscle spasms. Yep, this was real.

His phone rang. The name “Lexi” with lots of hearts scrolled across the screen. He quickly picked it up.

“Babe,” Jim said. “I just had the craziest dream.”

Beta reviewed the electronic file one more time. He looked at Theta and laughed. “What a retard!”

They both busted out laughing, unable to contain themselves after such a ruse.

“The Final Solution,” Theta said through the laughter, “That was the best part.” He fell out of chair hysterically laughing at the idiot now intergalactically known as James “Jackass” Jackson.

Beta wiped the tears from his external eye caps, signed the file, and closed it.