Drowning In Regret

I could have saved them. 

I could have stopped them from going ahead with that stupid plan.  

I should have said something to make them change their minds.  

Then again. It would all be my fault that they didn’t have as much fun as they could of. Maybe that’s selfish of me. Not wanting to be the one who gets picked on for being the parent of the group. That’s who I was. The others were all reckless and never seemed to care for safety. 

I still see their faces. Every. Single. Night. My partner always asks me what’s wrong. I never give a straight forward answer. I dance around it like it’s a hot fire that will burn my feet if I get too close to it. The pain of seeing them in my sleep is hard enough.  

Walking down the street was another thing that I struggled with. Just thinking about what would have happened if I had gone with them. Or suggested something else that was just as fun. How many kids they would have had? How many Grandkids would have come along after? What would their names have been?  

One of them loved lilies. So maybe there would be a Lily somewhere along the line. Maybe I would have been the godparent of these children. I had been close to them all.  

There was one I was closest to. They hadn’t really wanted to go along with them but had said that someone had to keep the others in check. I should have gone. Then they would have been here.

Then again. I wouldn’t wish this grief onto anyone else.  

I’m told that I have done well. Not everyone can go through 50 years of blaming themselves for something. 

50 years. Wow. It's been that long. Many think I have forgotten about it by now. I could never. We were so young. Half of us were barely 20. We had still hidden alcohol away and had some wild nights. It was after one of these crazy nights that the bad things happened. No one could have known though. Not even me. Not even whoever watches over us puny stupid humans. 

They had planned the previous night, when they were all drunk. Though those of us who weren’t as certain just thought it was some stupid joke. That’s all it had been. Some stupid joke that would be forgotten about when everyone woke up. Only it wasn’t. 

Over breakfast the next day, one announced that they were going through with the plan and majority of the group agreed and decided to go along. Me and my closest friend there, however, as I have previously stated, weren’t as keen on this idea. But we discussed it and decided someone had to go. They of course chose to. Otherwise I wouldn’t be sat here if I had gone with them, but my friend may be. 

I waved them off from the porch of the holiday cottage we had booked. They were happily chatting away to one another. Only a few noticed me and waved back. I waited until they were out of sight before heading in and clearing up from the party. Cursing them under my breath as I did. Maybe it was that that had ended them.  

I had just picked up the fallen vase of...oh my...lilies when there was a knock at the door. I believed it was just the cottage owner so I hummed happily to myself as I went to answer it. Only it wasn’t. Stood there was a policeman holding the spare cottage key. 

The banks of the dam had failed as my friends had attempted to cross them. They had not yet found bodies, but they had found the key on the side. They had come to see if anyone was missing. 

A few days later I was asked in to identify them. Oh, how I wished I hadn’t had to. That’s what sticks with me. Their faces. I see them every time I close my eyes. I am now too afraid to. It haunts me. 

I seem to see them wherever I go. In random windows. In mirrors. In objects that remind me of them.  

I bought some lilies yesterday. My partner was needing to get some flowers for a friend anyway. I tagged along and bought them while I could. I plan on taking them up to the dam. That’s the only thing that feels right to do. 

They’ve put signs in now. Warning people of the dangers. Part of me thinks that that’s not good enough, but the other part knows that it means no one else will lose loved ones in the way I did.  

I wanted to take this case to court. Tell them what I believed. Tell them that they should have put in protection before anyone could get harmed. Maybe then I would still have my friends with me. To feed ducks in our old age. Maybe sit on the beach, trying to make our grandkids get together. 

But instead, I was told that that may not do any good to help me with the grieving process. That I was just looking for someone to blame. Well after myself. I still wanted to. But it was the families of those lost who really pushed and got everything set up to make sure no one was ever harmed again. 

I wanted to turn back time. Go along with them. Or just stop them from going along. But at the same time. Had this not happened. The safety would not have been put in and someone else's family would be facing the pain.  

I could imagine it. Sitting in my sitting room with my partner watching the news when the story comes up. Would I have been able to live with myself? Probably not. 

Things must happen for a reason, and maybe me losing my friends was meant to happen so that this safety would be put in place and no one else would be harmed. Maybe that’s the way the universe was meant to work.  

The world doesn’t owe anyone anything. We shouldn’t expect to get anything from the world. Maybe it's payback for us destroying it is to take away everything that makes us happy.