I loved you, and I still love you

Why did you go? Why did you just up and leave me the way that you did? It is funny because part of me saw this coming and the other part was just hypnotized. You had my heart and love and you betrayed it; I do not understand. I thought you loved me, isn’t that what you told me? Two hearts into one, remember? I will never leave you, remember? I will never hurt you, remember? I will always be here, remember? I will marry you, remember? I would never lie to you, remember? I will be your only friend, remember? I promised myself I would not lose you, remember? I promise I would never use you, remember? I will always love you, remember?

I remember, I remember very clearly all these things you said to me. They ring around in my head nonstop. Why did you do this to me?  I was loyal to you from day one. I had your back; I was always there when you were at your worst. I was always there to encourage you and support you and love you through anything. I was down for you. I treated you like you were my everything and then you go and do this. Why? I really want to know why. Was I not good enough? Was I too boring for you? Were you not interested anymore?  Did you know that I used to sit in the mirror every day and ask myself these questions? As if I was the one who caused this. But I am not, and I have come to that understanding.

 It was not me it was you, and I know how selfish this may seem. Believe me I do, but it is true. All I regret is not noticing the red flags sooner. It was my fault that I trusted you. I fell in love with the person that you pretended to be and now I am suffering the consequences. If this were your plan all along why couldn’t you just leave me be? Why did you text me Hi? Why could not you have just left me alone because if you had it would have saved me another heart break. In my mind you saved me from a previous heartbreak, and I did not even know that I was walking into another one.

  The first couple weeks you had put so much energy and effort into our relationship but then it just stopped. Do you not remember our first facetime call? We talked about ourselves, our futures, our careers, the places we wanted to live, our future children, everything. We talked about everything. So how did that call between us cause you to stop putting effort into us? You claimed it was because you got bored. Well that is not a surprise because part of me saw that coming. You claimed that I was the one being dramatic. I was the one who needed to calm down. No, I disagree, I think you are the one who will never understand what it is like to be the appointed villain in our story. You were the actual villain in this story, and I was too naïve to realize it.

One of the last things you said to me was, “Oh you’ll be back just like always.” When buddy I will not, I really will not be back, and I have not. I choose loneliness over being abused by you. I chose to boss up and move on with my life. I chose to be mature and just accept the fact that I do not need you. I chose to stop being hurt by you. I just could not take it anymore. I was tired of you; I was tired of the relationship. I was tired of all those nights that I cried nonstop. I was tired of overthinking because I know it is not healthy. I was only tired.

I do not know what boy would choose his pride over such an amazing, caring girl. Oh, that is right, you are just a boy. You are not a young man because if you were you would know better but instead you choose to act like a little immature boy. You want to know the odd thing about it? After everything I still would not change a thing that happened. I believe that everything happened for a reason and I believe that you were a lesson learned. But still why? Why couldn’t you have told me what you really thought about me soon before? I would have understood and moved on a while ago. Do you not remember what you said to me? The key points of why we are not together anymore. The comments that officially ruined us in only a couple hours.

You told me that I was dumb. We were arguing about sports and you told me I was dumb. I have never met someone who would insult his loving girlfriend because of sports. So, I called you short. Is that what pissed you off? That silly comment of me calling you short? At least that is what you told me. We continued to argue.

  Oh, but not long after that you said to me, “Maybe you should work on your small boobs and small booty.” Are you serious? The things you used to like and now suddenly you do not? Then you said, “Looking like that you’re lucky I even took a chance on you,” and there it was. The truth that came out only when you got mad. I was shocked. You were body shaming me and you did not even care. That is the comment that made me so upset. That is the comment that ruined us. After being together for five months, you would say this to me. How could you? I think that was the most hurtful thing that I would have never imagined you saying to me. Is that how you felt? You said other things that were hurtful but no comment of yours stung more than this one.

This led me to ball my eyes out excessively. I just could not stop; I could not breathe. It almost felt like it was not real. The boy that I loved, the boy who was perfect in my eyes, the boy who I thought loved me, the boy who made me feel like I was floating on clouds said this to me. Yet you wonder why I decided that this was the last straw. You wonder why I broke up with you in a heartbeat. This was not okay, and it is not okay for a girl to feel bad because her own boyfriend body shamed her. It hurt like a thousand knives were being stabbed all over my entire body. What female wants to hear that? Oh, I am sorry that I am not the typical light skin girl with big boobs and a big butt. That is clearly what you want isn’t it? Or is it that I do not have clear skin, or curly long luscious hair that falls down my back? Is that what you want? Well I am not that girl and I will never be her.

When a female hears comments like that it makes her want to cry. It makes her be depressed and maybe even have suicidal thoughts. It makes us feel like we are not enough for you, like we do not satisfy you enough, or that you cannot be happy with who we are the way that we are. So, I got mad after you said this, and we continued to argue. Yet you still were asking why? Why are you mad? Why are you breaking up with me? You called me short so what did you expect?  WHAT!? Are you serious right now? That is your excuse for body shaming me.

This was the moment when I realized you were a fraud. You were playing me this whole time and you never meant one thing you said to me. You even said, “I got bored of you after the second month we were dating,” okay so why didn’t you say anything? We could have parted our ways then. But now instead you decide to hurt me and now I will never be able to forget those comments you said. It haunts me and keeps me up at night. I cry every ten minutes and I do not eat like I usually do. It just does not feel real, none of this does but it is. The last things I told you was that I am a strong young lady and I will get past this. I told you that you do not deserve me and that I deserve better, and I do. I told you that I will pick up the pieces and move on with my life. You did not even care that you hurt me because you said, “You’re the one hurt.” Yes, I am the one hurt but that is fine. I will be fine. At least that is what I keep telling myself. Then you blocked me and disappeared out of my life as quickly as you had come into it. It is almost like you were not real, like you were a bad dream that I just could not shake off. This proved to me that you were not and are not the one for me.

Now it has only been a day in a half after the incident and I am sad. Depressed even and I do not know how to process all of this. I loved this boy with my entire heart, and he claimed he loved me back, yet he still went and did this! So, this is how you treat the girl that you so call love? Then you just leave as if this was a mess that you caused but do not want to take the responsibility nor the accountability to clean up. I get it, I was just a Coronavirus quarantine summer fling, I guess. I had so many feelings for you and now I do not feel a thing. I feel numb and dizzy and confused and sad. I will never understand why you did what you did but all I can hope is that one day, you will look back at this and regret it. I hope you regret the way you treated me and that one day when you are more mature to understand, that you will use this as a lesson too. I pray that the next girl you come across does not go through the same thing I went through with you. I wish you well in life.

I know I am only fourteen but at least I have enough maturity and courage and wisdom to know when to let someone go. You were supposed to be my future husband. We were supposed to grow old together and accomplish so much. So, as I sob and type at the same time, I have finally learned to accept this truth. I am better off without you. I know one day I will find the right one and when I do, I will thank God for this better opportunity. I am broken now, and I feel that there is no point in anything anymore. I am just so hurt, and I am so emotional, and I feel stuck. I feel like I cannot live without you, but I know that is a lie. I just want to get on with my life, but I know I must grieve first. I know I am strong and that one day I will feel alright again. But when? When will that be?

I gave this boy my entire everything and he just abused it. He did not even care, it was all a game to him. He admitted it, he said that this was a game that he was playing. Every time I think about that I laugh.  What is a game without the pieces to it? Amongst everything I still love him, and I always will because he will never find another girl who will love him as much as I did. So, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, I comprehended the factors of why it had to be over and I took a valuable lesson from it. “Always pay attention to every detail of a story because that one little detail could be a hint to so much more than what the story is letting on.” So, with everything said and done, my last words to you are I loved you, and I still love you.