Spring was meant to be our time

It was 5pm, the dance was about to start in two hours. Those two hours, for most, was spent excitedly getting ready for a fun night ahead of them. This wasn’t the case for Finnley, however. He was sat on his bed, looking down at the crimson coloured tie held in his hand; the one that matched with Xander. Tears began burning in his eyes when he thought about the latter boy. He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“What do you want?” He asked, eyes fixed on the wall in front of him.

“You’re going to be late.” The voice whispered, gently picking up his tie. He began to lift up his collar to attach his tie only to have his hands smacked away by his brother’s shaking hands.

“Please, don’t.” Finnley’s voice was barely above a whisper, broken and shaking with every syllable. He let out a shaky sigh and allowed his gaze to fall on his twin.

“He was looking forward to this.” He whispered, tears threatened to spill again. Felix didn’t know what to do to comfort him, he knew there was nothing he could say or do that could make the situation any better.

“Yeah, he would have,” was what he opted to say, a solemn silence washed over the two brothers. Felix felt awful for Finnley, he knew he was distraught.

“You should still go to the dance, Finn. He would want you to go.”

“I know.” The heartbroken boy muttered, doubt lacing his tone. Noting this doubt, Felix placed a hand on his brother’s shoulder and sent him a comforting smile.

“Really, come to the dance with us. It might make you feel better.” A moment passed but there was a subtle nod. A proud smile and a nod towards the photo of Xander that lay on his boyfriend’s desk is what Felix leaves him with.

Something about this didn’t feel right to Finnley. Being without him didn’t feel right to Finnley. They grew up together. They had hoped of a future together; marriage, kids, fulfilling careers. But it was clear that none of that was going to happen now. Despite having everyone around him trying to support him, the freckled boy had never felt so alone. So lost in the world. They had plans to conquer the world together but right now, all Finnley could be reminded that no matter how strong someone is, no one is stronger than the black unspeakable force we all expect and fear. He looked at the tie that has tormented him all afternoon and thought back to when they bought them.

“How are you not excited?” Xander asked, slightly skipping down the road, his hand laced in Finnley’s.

“It’s just a dance. I don’t get the big deal.” The smaller boy muttered, grumpily. They were walking to the shop to get suits for the spring dance. This was something that excited Xander, giggling in excitement whenever someone mentioned it. As much as Finnley hated to admit it, his boyfriend’s cheery demeanour was hard to fight and he felt himself feel a laugh bubble in his throat when he heard him happily rambling about how much of an enjoyable evening they were going to have.

“We should get matching ties.” Finnley joked, mocking people who decide to wear matching outfits. He heard a gasp from the American boy and he knew instantly that he had made a mistake.

“No. No I was kidding.” He groaned causing Xander’s grin to spread further.

“Aw, it’ll be fun. I’ll even let you choose the colour.” Xander pouted slightly. It took a few moments but Finnley caved, much to Xander’s expectations.

“Can they be red?” He grumbled. The only response was a huge hug from the taller boy. Finnley felt so much love for Xander in those moments. Correction, he always felt so much love for Xander, but in these moments, he felt so much love he could possibly burst.  

That damn boy was able to get anything he wanted with the correct look. Finnley hated it at the time but right now, he would give anything to see those puppy-dog eyes or his childish pout.

The dance was everything that Xander said it would be. The thought that he would be missing this sent a wave of anger through his body. He wanted to run. He didn’t want to deal with the sympathetic eyes or the careful conversations as if he was made of paper and could be torn apart if someone said the wrong word. Part of him fears they may be right, that he is fragile and isn’t as in control as he thinks he is. Just as he was about to turn back and leave, he caught the eyes of his friends.

“Hey, guys.” He muttered, subtly.

“I didn’t think you were going to come.” Rosie whispered, giving him a smile that made his blood boil.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Another voice asked, Finnley didn’t have the energy to differentiate tonight.

“This dance was important to him. He would have wanted me to go.” He replied slightly more forcefully than he had intended. They had noticed the apprehension in his tone, and grabbed his hands. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to help Finnley realise that he’s not alone. As long as he had his friends behind him, he could manage this, he could handle this. He may be missing his soulmate but, at least, he has people behind him. They stood there a moment, allowing Finnley to gain the courage to enter the venue himself. They both knew that tonight was not a night to be rushing him.

The venue looked like something out of a fairytale. The hall was painted in blush pinks and golds. The walls were illuminated by thousands of twinkling string lights. Finnley was trying to enjoy himself, but all he could focus on was the fact that Xander would have adored it there. There was radio pop music played from the DJ station. The dancefloor was flooded with people dancing and laughing. He stood there, surrounded by those people and envisioned him and Xander sharing a dance on this dancefloor. They’d both be blushing hard, swaying gently to the music that played. Xander would point out how good Finnley looked underneath the light of the disco ball, prompting the latter to make a joke about how much of a sap his boyfriend is. They would then dissolve into lovestruck laughter that would turn into soft kisses and whispered words that only they could hear.

“Lets go get something to eat.” A voice, Sylvester’s, shook him from his thoughts.

“Yeah that sounds like a good idea.” Finnley replied, plastering on a smile and following him to the snacks table.  

As the evening progressed, he felt slightly better. He had stopped feeling guilty about enjoying himself. He ate good food, he danced with friends and he enjoyed himself for the first time in weeks. They were by the snacks table when they heard a song come on. It was their song. The whole group froze, waiting to see how Finnley would react. He smiled, chuckling a bit. He grabbed their hands and pulled them to the dancefloor.

“We have to dance to this. He’d be so mad if we didn’t.” He laughed. It was a genuine laugh. A laugh that caused the rest in the group to laugh as well. They were dancing, eating, laughing and having fun. Finnley started to feel whole again. It may be a long time before it stops hurting, but he knows that with everyone around him, he never has to feel alone again.