DAD DIED

1040 words                      Dad Died           Laura Lee Perkins, MS

Dear Diary – Day 1 - Today was my 17th birthday. I got this diary as a gift today. Mom thought it might help if I wrote out my feelings. My father wasn’t here; he’s been dead for a week. WHY did he die now? Where is he? Why can’t I find him? I’ve been begging for some kind of sign from him. How can I know he’s okay? I hurt…like black and blue all over.

Dear Diary – Day 2 – Why won’t my pain go away? How do I know if my father can see me? I want an answer; even a nudge would be great. Why doesn’t God help me? Why is life so mean?

Dear Diary – Day 3 – I sure don’t feel like writing is helping me. I feel so alone, even thought Mom tries to make me feel better. I’m really mad – at everything and everyone. I don’t understand WHY life has to hurt so much. My friends are calling and texting less; nothing they do seems to help me feel even a tiny bit better.

Dear Diary – Day 4 – Mom thinks I should still go to Oregon to visit cousin Terri. But she’s 19 and has her own life. I think it’s too early for me to go on a trip. I can’t leave Mom alone. But part of me wants to go so I can forget Dad died. I know I can’t really forget…but maybe I could breathe without this intense pain. I’ll think about it – I have to let Terri know if I’m coming next week.

Dear Diary – Day 5 – Think I should go to Oregon if I can fly there without crying on the plane. I can cry with Terri. Dad was her uncle. Uncle Sherman…

Dear Diary – Day 20 -  I’m leaving for Oregon in the morning.

Dear Diary – Day 21 – Terri picked me up at the airport. We went to her parents house where we all cried and talked about Dad. And I thought I could forget? Terri’s Mom, Aunt Sarah, is my father’s sister. She thinks that I might find some peace at Crater Lake. She offered Terri their pickup and made an overnight reservation at the hotel lodge for the two of us – just a 2-day trip for the “two cousins.” I’m a little excited.

Dear Diary – Day 22- Terri and I were heading to Crater Lake on a narrow two-lane mountain road this morning when a mountain lion stepped out in front of us. Wow! It was a male.  Magnificent, he sauntered across the road and up onto the roadside berm beside my passenger window, leaving me absolutely spellbound. He stopped, stared directly into my eyes for about 10 seconds and then bounded off into the woods. The encounter felt important and I know this experience was about more than an accidental sighting of a wild animal. He seemed to be a messenger, but how? Do you think Dad could have sent it? I felt really shaken and asked Terri if she would pull over at the next rest area. I told her I needed to be alone for a few minutes. We pulled into an empty parking lot. I stepped out of the truck and walked up the path, sneaking behind the small restroom building. I was alone. Ah!

    Raising my arms up to the sky, I offered gratitude to Dad for sending this huge cat to stare into my eyes. Dad knew I love cats. “I know you sent this beautiful creature. Thank you!”

    Suddenly, I saw rays of multi-colored light coming down from the sky, beaming towards my body. I felt energized but locked in place, unable to move. I waited as the light beams formed into an angelic figure 50' above the huge Oregon trees ─ drawing near, head-first, out of the sky. I could hardly believe what I was seeing, but I knew it was real. I could feel its energy; the hair stood up on my arms. I waited in amazement as this male figure, draped in robes of light, righted himself, hovering just above the ground in front of me. He maintained constant eye contact. I was completely mesmerized, frozen in anticipation.

   There was no fear as his hands reached toward my chest and gently removed my heart. It seemed so effortless. I was in awe! There was no sensation of discomfort, only the feeling of being enveloped by pure love. I actually could see my bloody heart beating in his cupped hands. It all seemed magical…yet so real. Then, gently tipping his head forward, he kissed my warm, beating heart before gliding it smoothly back into my chest. All the time this was happening, he continued looking directly into my eyes. I was absolutely spellbound. At that moment, I knew a depth of love that was indescribable. I had love in a profoundly deep way.

    Tears filled my eyes. This was nothing I ever could have imagined: a communication that seemed like it came directly from heaven. If I hadn’t been asking for a sign, I might have thought, “Gosh, I saw a mountain lion today and it must have really scared me, because I thought I saw a man come out of the sky.” That would have missed the entire magnificence of this double miracle. Today, I learned we are never alone. When we trust that love, we’ll be guided…

Dear Diary - Day 28 – Today we visited Out of Africa, a large animal rescue center in Portland.  I was chosen from about 1,000 people to come down front to feed a white, male, Bengal tiger. I experienced such a rush of excitement and sensed an intense bond with that tiger when I passed dinner to him on a long skewer. Did Dad make this cat experience happen? How? It felt like he was there, smiling at me.

    Later, I looked up 'totem animals – large cats' and learned that they represent patience and courage in Native American legends. Now, here in Oregon, some kind of divine intervention had brought two large cats, the mountain lion and the tiger. Large cats seemed to be about guidance and protection for me. “Thank you, Dad.”

     I'm ready to go home and tell Mom.