Giant Steps

Leaving the house felt like committing a crime but, the feeling of the walls closing in on me, as the dim lamp light made the heavy atmosphere of the room swirl, had become too much to be still. I finished the drink beside me and began preparing to leave. Slipping out of my pajamas and into real adult human clothes, I grabbed wireless headphones, a sweater, and a winter coat. My cat opened his eyes sleepily and offered a questioning “wow wow?” as I stepped into the bracing wind outside. 

It wasn’t raining, yet the wind chilled my bones, and I felt the exhaustion of emotional stress hit me like a ton of bricks. This is a time on our planet that would be written in history books in the future and all I could think about was why I had decided to go on a walk in the first place. The sun, dimmed by the cloud cover, was setting and the children had all gone inside for the night. 

Considering grabbing a drink for the road, I turned around, then on further consideration I locked the door and continued down my steps. 

Not far from here was a small park, one that had been designed for the beautification of the community, but was rarely used. My steps were heavy against the concrete, each impact reverberating through my legs and into my hips. Perhaps I should have stretched out before committing to something that is so unlike myself. 

Indie pop was on the docket for tonight; something that was introspective but in a hollow performative way. Songs talking about the magic in love and connection, and in the same verse painting an ethereal concept of things that could easily be considered impious. The chords and breathy lyrics course through me, and warm my heart. I closed my eyes and let myself appreciate the wind. Were I to just feel the wind, bitterness would taint the experience but, this was something so out of my control and could affect everything around me. 

The environment speaks its own language, I considered as I round the corner into the park. Winter bushes buffeted by the wind greeted me, the sound of their languishing silenced by the music. The speckled concrete stretched out into the dimly lit park with dust trails drawn across it. Skeletal trees present new buds on the tips of branches, cherry blossoms early in bloom release petals like a gift to the wind, and there’s me feeling frozen in time as the world spirals around me.

Something about moving through space made me feel like I was making progress in some way, even if I don’t feel it right now. I may not be able to solve the universe’s most imposing issues, but I could come to terms with them. Potentially, I could even make small changes that help with the problem continuously. 

A small granite bench lays hidden against the shrubbery. I figured if anything, this would be a good enough place to take a moment to rest. As I sat, propped with my arms behind me, the rain arrived. Sprinkling, the gusts of wind would blow it into even the most covered areas, so I abandoned the idea of keeping my head dry. I looked at the dark clouds above me, the sun had long set by now, and closed my eyes. 

Small drops stung my skin, but it seemed that some weight was being released from my soul. Perhaps this all isn’t so bad. Finding myself alone and locked away with mere moments of freedom can give me perspective. An understanding of myself that I hadn’t looked into for years. Momentary patience with myself to rediscover what it was that I used to be; a person whose personality wasn’t commanded by work, or school, or an attempt to balance a personal life within those.

I had always been told to get a job in a field that I love; deciding against that was both the best and worst decision that I had ever made. While I could see myself creating masterpieces that are ephemeral, in both beauty and experience, I knew that the consumer base could be so demanding. Expectations of something more extravagant the next time, or more catered to preference, would be so defeating day after day.

One might say that I settled for my career path. Furthermore, you might even argue that I gave up after my training. Just trying to make a home with simple comforts seems so imposing many days. I could begin again, maybe even consider limiting the people welcome to experience my art to those who would really appreciate it.

Opening my eyes, I realized that the wind had stopped and stood back up to venture on. The cherry blossoms now stuck to the path, grinding under my steps, and seeming to be glowing in a surreal way. I took a deep breath, feeling as if I hadn’t been breathing this entire time. Rustling in the bushes reminded me that I’m not alone out here. The park is more than just something pretty designed for humans living in the area, it is the entirety of some creature’s lives. 

Walking through a man made organic fishbowl, is a weird thought but not any weirder than the zoo. Letting myself expand that thought, I find that the city is an environment of our own design, and Earth is one that we impact but have never controlled. There is something larger to all of this. 

The drops became larger, faster, and yet they began to feel warm against my face. I started to jog, heading in the direction of home. I took off my jacket, and picked up speed. My heart started to pound in time with my steps, the concrete reverberated up through my body and into my head. As I rounded the corner, I saw the glow of a porch light. My porch light. Warm and inviting, beckoning to me. It was beautiful.