Was it worth it?

What is the end? What is the end price? What was it all worth? Was it worth it? These are all questions you might ask yourself. Only if she knew the sacrifices I made for her. Now here I sit with the kids by my side. “Tell us about mom,” my oldest son says.

“Just one story,” I say, “then it is time for bed.”

    Stephine was too young to remember but old enough to know the story, and Jamie was six when the accident took place. The days were longer than they were the previous month, the trees were full of leaves, and the air was a crystal blue endless field. I was playing ball with Jamie, Ellie was with Stephine teaching her how to walk. The large beach ball flew onto the road. “I got it,” Ellie said. She released Stephine’s hand and went to get the ball. Suddenly, we heard a scream.

    I turn and look. My wife was on the ground. Her hands covering her chest. A different car on the road stopped and called an ambulance. I pulled her onto the grass. People rushed to her side, so I could put my kids at rest.

    At the hospital we are now looking for hope. But there is none. The line went flat. My wife was gone. I walked over to her and placed a hand on her cheek. “It’s time to go,” the nurse said with tears running down her face. I get my kids and let them see their mother for the last time, until the funeral.

A week has passed and the day of the funeral comes. I dress in a black suit, and put my son in a similar one. I dress Stephine in a little black gown and put her blond hair in a small bun. We got to the church and looked around the small room, all our friends came. They walked over to us and said condolences.

I cleared my voice. “Mhm… I want to thank you all for coming. She would have wanted to see all of this. I’m pretty sure she would wake up from her death just to see this,” they laugh and I continue. “I really don’t know how to feel, I’m angry, upset, and mentally tortured just looking at all this. It feels like I lost my best friend. A part of me is empty and I know it cannot be replaced. She cannot be replaced. That drunk driver, that killed my beautiful Ellie, was arrested the night after that. Justice has been served and I know she will always be at my side. Although my best friend is gone, I have the best parts of her. I have her kids and the memories that make her live. So, instead of mourning her death let's let her legacy go on.” I ended my speech in tears. “No matter what my love will live on.”

I look up from telling my kids the story. Their tearful cheeks are filling the room. I wrap my kids in a hug and wipe their tears. I know they will keep their mother alive, alive in their hearts. “Time for bed,” I say, I kiss their forehead. To bed they went hoping for good dreams to rest their heads.  

Days come and go. What I’ve learned through all this is no matter what happens you have all the memories with the people you love. Now I’m in bed. I picture her. Her long blonde hair and her radiant blue eyes, her touch is cold like porcelain, she wears her little sun dress that rises just above her knees.all her features yell against her pale skin. They tell me I need to let go. I don’t, and I won't. I know what is best for me, for her.  I see her in my sleep and wherever I go. I can’t let go. My love is true, devoted to her. “Good night, darling” I close my eyes and drift to sleep