Night Trekking in My Time

Dear Diary,

I really shouldn’t watch Tales from the Loop before bed-time. Last night was a no-show as far as sleep is concerned. I tossed, turned, rearranged my arms and legs, fluffed pillows, got up for a leak then had a drink of water, turned on the light to see the clock, and generally was starey-eyed awake until dawn. Only managed 1 hour of sleep. It was hard staying awake long enough to get the kids off to school with next to no sleep, then I crashed.

Dear Diary,

One week to an opening is not a happy format for a diary. I blearily go to fill in Sunday, only to read that I have not slept properly for a week. My mind is thick and heavy with fatigue, and my body is thick and heavy with overeating and sitting on the couch. Note to self – internet doctors’ advice to get out of bed if you can’t sleep and go into another room is crap. I’ve given up on Tales from the Loop and started watching all the Star Treks from the very beginning – love Doctor Flox. 

Dear Diary,

I’ve decided to enjoy my insomnia instead of feeling annoyed. After the last of the family had gone to bed around 10.30pm I settled down for a session of “my time”. Last night I crocheted during Star Trek, had a Second Supper at 2 a.m.,  caught up on Facebook,  joined a Writers Group, bought earrings on Aliexpress, and generally behaved like a single woman with no responsibilities. Thank God I am a stay-at-home mum, and don’t have an office job.

Dear Diary,

Two weeks of this weird sleep pattern, and I am starting to feel a bit guilty about staying up all night. I love the “me time”, time to forget about the rest of them and be my young self again, but as I sleep all day, the housework is being neglected and someone is bound to comment on the film of dust that has descended on everything. I can’t blame the bush fires for everything. I manage to get the washing done, and a bit of early morning shopping, but that’s about it. They get their own breakfasts, pack their own lunches, I get takeaway for dinner a lot these days.

Something noteworthy – there is a Virus spreading around the world – it started in China.

Dear Diary,

Last night I turned Star Trek off and listened to the night. Frogs croaking up the drainpipes, the house python doing laps in the attic as it looks for its dinner, the interminable ticking of the old clocks that Dave collects. 24 bloody chiming clocks – no use going to bed before midnight with that lot in the house. 288 hour chimes, not counting all the preliminary chiming that goes one with Westminster chimes. No wonder I am wide awake all night.

I stayed awake this morning for long enough to do a bit of shopping, housework and catch up with the ironing, but I was out for the count by 11a.m. 

The virus has reached Australia, and people are buying toilet paper by the truckload.

Dear Diary,

Can’t take listening to the frogs any more, so back to Star Trek – that Mr Spock is a spunky bit of greenery.

Although I am not sleeping at all at night, my dreams are becoming quite vivid during the day, though why they should be almost always be about moving house I don’t know. 

That virus is killing thousands overseas, but nothing here yet. They are talking about closing schools – now that is a worry. I need the kids out of here so I can sleep.

Dear Diary,

This insomnia has been going on for far, far too long. I tried an over the counter remedy which did nothing for me, and I don’t want to bother the doctor with it, so I’ll stay as I am.

The family is beginning to comment about the dark circles under my eyes.  Nobody seems to notice that I don’t go to bed at night. They just think I get up before they do and that the first of the day coffee they see me drinking is really my last of the night coffee.

My dreams during the day are becoming more real. In them I’ve moved house, and I’m beginning to explore the new neighbourhood – the shops, streets – I even caught a bus the other day. It is all new and exciting and I hate having to wake up before the kids get home from school. Not that they pay much attention – they just grunt, grab their Milo and cookies, and rush outside to play – they’re very outdoorsy types, so I don’t see them until the evening meal is delivered.

Jean-Luc Picard is my favourite captain.. Sigh!

Dear Diary,

These day dreams (though I am fully asleep, they are technically during the day) are so engrossing I think about them all the time I am awake. I get homesick for my new flat, my new leather lounge suite, my waterbed, the house maid. I’ve even started job hunting now, venturing into the dark canyons of the City to apply for clerical work, and the restaurants are 4 Star and more.

Am I becoming nocturnal? Perhaps I’m not meant to be a creature of sunlight.  I am afraid of the dark, of closing my eyes to the dark to find a deeper darkness. Perhaps I need the security of sunlight to illuminate the Land of Sleep before I can let go of my grip on reality and relax into dreams

Dear Diary,

That virus has closed the schools, and we all have to stay indoors. The kids have taken over the house, building blanket forts, raiding all the cupboards for craft supplies, fighting with each other and fighting over the phone with their friends. The air is full of screaming and crying. There is not a minute of the day when they are not clamouring for my attention. I can’t sleep! Why can’t they just ignore me like they usually do? I tried catching a few minutes nap in the en suite toilet, but Jamie was locked in their bathroom having a fight with her boyfriend on Facetime, and the rest of them NEEDED to go on the one I was dozing on.

I need to get to the quiet of my apartment, to the squeak of the leather upholstery, and luxuriousness of the waterbed, the maid – I need my time. AND I CAN’T SLEEP.

Joy Saker – Australia – 10 April 2020