Right before achieving my lifelong dream.

Right before achieving my lifelong dream. 

I was never the one to believe in miracles. I always believed in only things that I could see. I never reached too high or too far because I was scared of being let down. That also means that I never dreamed of the things that I found hard to get. Of course I thought that life as an adult is easier because I will have money which would let me buy anything and everything I wanted. However, as I became a student in college (practically an adult) I have realised that life is boring if you have no dreams. I sat down and wrote down all the goals I want to achieve in life. Things like, getting married, having a baby, all the things that a typical would want. The only difference from a typical girl is that I wanted to achieve a degree in psychology. Which I think is one of the most important jobs in the world. Especially nowadays. I was doing great in school. I was always at the top of the class. My grades were never bad in college. I was proud of myself as I have achieved high marks. I was nothing but excited to do exams and assignments, which is quite unusual. You have to admit. But that is just how I was. At the start of college I was still confused whether psychology is the right course but I felt like it was too late to change my mind so I kept going. I would never go back looking at it now. Every year was like a new beginning, new and fresh things to look forward to. I never had too many friends though. I didn’t want to be distracted by anyone, only focused on school work. Never had a family either. By that I mean, I was fostered since I was 2 years old. My mother died right after giving birth and my dad left me and left the country. Now I know nothing about him. Never wanted really. As I would always say, ‘he wasn’t with me for my whole life, I don’t need him now’. Of course I don’t hate him for leaving me. If anything I can quite understand him. Left with a baby after just your wife left this life. I could say that there were a lot of mental health issues involved in that. I want to think that way and I never want to find out the truth so I am not disappointed. I would love to have both of my biological parents with me, but life goes on and I don’t like to think about that too much. I was fostered in a lot of family’s throughout my whole life so it is hard to call someone ‘mom’ and ‘dad’. As I turned eighteen I wanted to be just by myself, not having to ask for money or to borrow someone’s car. I wanted to be independent and someone to look up to. I started working at a local shop, a pretty boring 9-5 job, five days a week. I only kept going because I knew that I was preparing to live a good life and go to college like I always wanted. However, before that I had to face all the life difficulties. I saved up so much money to finally be able to have a car. With paying the rent and bills it is not easy. My next step was to pay for my college and finally do the psychology course I was going to apply for. Year one, as I said before was ups and downs, was a little bit unsure whether that is what I want to do in life. I kept going. As I passed all my exams, I went on to year two, three and so on. I loved it. Year two of psychology really screamed to me that this is it. I enjoyed every bit of it. I was excited for trips and all events which were psychology related. As I entered my final year of college I became anxious. I was right on the verge of achieving my lifelong dream. I did not give up though. As time went by my grades started to go down bit by bit and I started to worry. I didn’t have anyone to talk to which I think was the hardest part. I didn’t even want to have anyone close to me so being lonely was only my fault as I never wanted to trust anyone. One of my teachers stopped me in a corridor and said she wants to talk to me about something important. This was the moment of my life where I knew I was in trouble. As she told me the time and date of the meeting I collapsed right to her arms. As I stayed unconscious my teacher called the ambulance. I started to wake up as the paramedics took me into the ambulance. Not knowing what is going on, one of the paramedics explained to me what happened. After hours of waiting, hundreds of tests done, I got my results which stated that I have severe anaemia and I will need to stay in hospital. No wonder why, I was so caught up with school work that eating and taking care of myself wasn’t much important. I was not happy with the decision of staying in the hospital, because missing school was like a nightmare to me. I had no choice other than staying. After treatments, medicine and all sorts of things, doctors found out that nothing is helping. I fell into a coma. The hardest thing about this experience was not being there, feeling unwell or being left alone in a hospital with no family to come and visit, tell me it is going to be okay. It was the fact that all I have worked so hard on, was not going to happen. All of the years of studying for my dream job did not matter anymore. After I left the hospital with improved health, I couldn’t go back to school. I didn’t submit my final exams therefore I didn’t graduate. I thought that my life was over, because it was. I became depressed. The only thing in the world that would soothe my pain in some way, was alcohol. I drank everyday, and spent all of my savings on it. Waking up in the morning didn’t bring me any joy. At one point I was going to call my last foster parents, but did not pay the phone bill so I couldn’t. I lost everything, right before reaching my lifelong dream. 

Now 20 years later, I know that it was a big lesson. I got the help I needed, stopped drinking. Found a job and even met someone who is always there for me, supports me and loves me unconditionally. I am married, have two beautiful babies. Even though I have not gotten my psychology degree, I finally have an amazing family and health that I need to keep on going everyday. Today I am here for my husband and my kids and I love life like I never did before.