Before The Stroke Of Twelve

Why are they on fire? Luke thought. The sky was a funny black color and all the people around didn’t have faces but he was sure he knew them from somewhere.

“Someone help! The Styrofoam puppies are on fire!” Luke screamed.

Hang on… why are there Styrofoam puppies? Luke thought. Something wasn’t right, none of this made any sense at all. I have to put them out before they die! Luke reasoned desperately. I know, I’ll cover them with all this shredded lettuce!

Frantically Luke ran to the large taco bar buffet on the side of the road and started to throw handfuls of lettuce at the burning puppies. The flames turned green and transformed into heads of lettuce all over the puppies like some really strange form of leprosy. Luke looked at the strangers standing around in hopes someone would help him but they were all laughing. Why was everyone laughing and pointing at him? Luke realized he was naked and one of the faces was his college professor from Calculus.

“I hope you are ready for the final exam Luke,” the professor said.

Luke screamed.

He was sitting upright in bed, it must be about 8 AM. Luke couldn’t remember what day it was but he was glad to realize he had been having a terrible nightmare. Then it hit him, today was New Year’s Eve and he hadn’t done a single thing on his list of resolutions. He lept out of bed and paced frantically around his bedroom. Get a grip Luke he thought.

Last year he had failed spectacularly at completing any of his New Year’s resolutions. To prevent more failure this year, when he made his resolutions this year, he added a penalty for failing at any one of them in hopes this would be extra motivation. Fail at any one of them and he would have to pay his best friend Melinda five hundred dollars. Five hundred dollars was nearly an entire paycheck and would be disastrous to his finances if he had to pay.

Where is my list? I need to find my list of resolutions! Luke thought to himself as he tore open his nightstand and pulled out his notebook. He threw open the cover to find his list of resolutions, he still had time, he could do this.

“Ugh! My handwriting is terrible! Was I drunk when I wrote this? This will never help!” Luke screamed in frustration as he tossed the notebook aside. “Fine! I guess I will just have to do this from memory!”

Luke continued to pace rapidly while he thought. Suddenly he remembered that he had meant to apologize to his sister for drinking way too much at her wedding and embarrassing her horribly. “What time is it?” He looked at his alarm clock and it was dark, the stupid cheap thing was broken! He looked out the window, it must be around 9 AM. He grabbed the phone off the wall and waited as it rang. Hopefully, she was awake.

“Hello?” his sister’s voice answered

“Lisa, hey… I am sorry to wake you but I needed to apologize for what happened at your wedding. I never should have had so much to drink and I am sorry it ruined your wedding. I hope you can forgive me.” Luke said

“Oh, well, that’s OK, I forgive you. Happy New Year little brother!”

“Happy New Year to you too sis,” Luke said as he hung up. This was going to be easier than he thought.

What else had he promised himself he was going to do this year? He strained to remember what else he had resolved to do on New Year’s day last year. Something about cleaning perhaps?

My desk! He thought I wanted to have an organized desk, like those minimalist desks you see on TV.

Luke looked at his desk, which was a pile of papers, old plates, and unidentifiable objects strewn from one end to the other. He couldn’t remember the last time he had used his desk for anything other than a place to pile various mail pieces on. If he couldn’t remember the last time he needed to access any of these papers then surely they could not be of any importance, right?

Luke dashed around his desk grabbing the edges of plates and handles of cups and yanking them free. He stacked them precariously in his arms until he couldn’t hold anymore and then carried them and placed them in the kitchen sink. After about five trips he could not see any more objects that looked like dishware on the desk. He moved a trashcan close to the desk and began throwing unopened mail into it. He threw in advertisements with gusto as well as unopened bills he must have paid already. He topped off the pile of mail with various bits of gift wrap, birthday cards, and packaging from old purchases. He was beginning to see the grey desktop beneath peeking through. He was good at cleaning!

He opened various drawers and to his delight, they were mostly empty, apparently, he only ever placed items on top of the desk rather than using the drawers to store anything. He scooped up pens and pencils, a letter opener and a paperweight and tossed them into the top drawer. Notebooks and important-looking papers or mail went into the next two drawers. After this, he jammed some art supplies into the bottom drawer next to a strange-looking souvenir Statue of Liberty he didn’t remember acquiring. Lastly, he wiped the top of the desk down with an old shirt and promptly threw the shirt into the garbage can on top of the abandoned mail and assorted refuse.

Two down, how many to go? Luke thought Oh now I remember why I wanted the desk to be clean! I wanted to write a short story! How hard can that possibly be anyway… short stories are short, at least I didn’t want to write a novel or I would be in trouble!

Luke sat down at the desk and pulled out a sheet of paper, he started writing, words were just flowing out of him somehow. He had no idea what he was writing, and he couldn’t read it but he knew it was probably really good. After almost no time at all he had written a whole stack of pages and felt this would probably count as a short story. He just needed to remember the last thing he had resolved to do this year.

What on earth did I want to do? Luke mused frantically I don’t know… I don’t know! It was something, I am sure it was something else. Why can’t I read my handwriting anyway? That would have been so much easier! This wasn’t going well, he looked out the window and the sun was already down, he knew it wasn’t yet midnight but it had to be getting close. He knew he would know when midnight was because all the neighbors would make a bunch of noise and start yelling and banging on pots and that had not happened yet.

I wanted to lose ten pounds! Oh no! How on earth can I do that in one day? Luke peered down at his stomach and felt dread welling up inside him. There was no way he knew of to lose ten pounds in what felt like minutes. Maybe he would fail after all. As he was sulking, staring at his tummy that’s when he noticed it, the little tab protruding from just behind a little belly roll. He tested it by pulling a little to see what would happen and to his shock, the little bit of his belly he had been staring at came off and he was left holding what looked like one of those ergonomic wrist pads used for keyboards.

“My gods…” Luke gasped “How did I never notice my stomach came off like that?” As he stared at this miraculous instant weight loss in shock he realized he heard a funny distant beeping sound. It was very annoying and loud and shrill but he couldn’t place it.

The alarm was going off and Luke woke up. As he looked at the date on the now functional clock he realized with great relief that today was not December 31st, but in fact, it was January 9th. He hadn’t missed all his New Year’s resolutions, the year had just begun. He let out a heavy exhale and relaxed a little bit. As he sat sleepily in his warm bed, waking up little by little, he realized he should probably make some resolutions and write them down. Luke got out of bed, walked over to his coffee table, and sat down. He grabbed a notebook and a pen and started making plans for the coming year.