Trapped

I'm trapped. My heart is racing and my breathing is labored. My vision is becoming blurry and I'm choking on my words. I am not trapped in a physical cage or room, but inside my mind. I try and refocus, because I know I'm in public...right? I forgot. My mind is only focused on the panic pulsing through my body. I try and claw my way out of the deep darkness of my thoughts. I try. I try so, so, so, so, so hard. But I can't. I'm on the brink of losing control, but I can't risk that. I hear a faint scream, but nothing else from the outside world. I bet a hundred bucks that the scream was emitted from my very own mouth. I would do anything to get me out of here. Out of my own mind, because there is nothing I have feared more. The control and effects of this are out of my grasp. I don't know what is happening. All I know is that I have fallen victim to the war with my thoughts again, and they have won. And that is my last thought before my world of thoughts is silenced by a never-ending blackness.

***

I awaken to a steady beeping noise. Am I in the hospital? Wait...nope. That's a video game. I can see a kid playing it in the corner of my eye. So...if I'm not in the hospital, then where am I? I rise from a firm mattress, everything aching. The past comes back to me. My panic attack. A side effect of my anxiety. Something that I've been trying to hide for a long while. I'm with other people though. Which means my secret has been uncovered. My hands start to tremble slightly, and I try to take a deep breath to calm me down. I've tried that method before. It usually doesn't work.

"I see you're awake," A sharp voice says, cutting through my thoughts.

I jump a bit, snapping my head around to see where the voice is coming from. I try and relax a bit when I see a kind enough looking woman, who's pretty soft features and gorgeous brown hair don't match her voice. Still. She's a stranger.

"W-where am I?" I ask, beating myself up about stuttering.

"School nurse's office. I don't know why you're not at the hospital though. That was a serious panic attack," The woman says, her voice laced with concern.

I freeze, looking at the nurse in horror. How did she know?

"H-how did you know?" I ask, my hands starting to tremble again.

"That you had a panic attack? The symptoms were pretty clear," She replies, starting to make her way towards me.

I knock my head back on the wall, starting to break into a sweat.

"Look at me and take a big deep breath, and hold it," The nurse tells me, gently gripping my hands.

I do as she says, not thinking twice.

"Okay, now release the breath," she instructs

I follow her instructions, closing my eyes a bit. We repeat this a few times, and it miraculously works. I hug myself tightly, though I'm grateful I didn't have another one.

"Okay dear, I need to ask you some questions, and you need to answer honestly," She says, sitting down near me.

I nod, suddenly noticing that the beeping is gone. I look over, and the kid is gone too.

"Okay, first question. How long have you been having panic attacks?"

I don't answer.

"Girl, you have to answer me," she tells me

"I don't know," I answer, averting my eyes.

"Okay, fine. How long have you had anxiety?"

"I don't."

"Don't lie to me kid."

"I don't even know what that is. I might have it. But I don't know for how long."

This goes on for a while. The nurse asking me questions, and me giving very vague answers. It's obvious she's getting annoyed.

"Lucia! What happened?" A voice exclaims in question.

I turn around to see my father sprinting towards me, followed by my friends.

"What do you mean?" I ask innocently

"Luce, you can't just pretend nothing happened," Izzie says, crossing her arms.

"Yeah! You were shaking, trembling, and sweating! You even screamed!" Tanya shrieks in worry.

"Not to mention you fainted!" Melody accused.

"Lucia, is this true?" my dad asks, his voice laced with concern

My dad's voice breaks me, and I know I have to lie. For him, and myself.

"Well, it wasn't too bad," I say, leaning back a bit.

The nurse looks at me and her eyebrows shoot up and my friends raise their eyebrows. My dad, on the other hand, looked so hopeful.

"Yeah, I just was having a really hard time breathing. Um, the nurse thinks I have asthma," I tell them, squeezing my arm tightly.

"Girl, no. We're gonna tell them the truth. Either you or me," The nurse says, glaring at me.

"What do you mean? I'm saying the truth," I huff, though I'm pleading with my eyes.

"Luce, we're not dumb. That sounds so fake." Melody says, narrowing her eyes

"Lucia, please tell the truth," My dad pleads.

I look into his eyes and see the pain hidden in his eyes. I want to tell him the truth now, but I can't. I squeeze my eyes shut, holding back my tears. When I reopen them, everybody is gone. So I break down. Why am I so broken? What is wrong with me? I need help but I don't want it! Why do I have to be like this? Why do I have to think like this! Before I know it, I'm running. I'm sprinting away from my school, and I barely even know it. I can't grasp reality anymore. I can hear faint screams of names, but I don't care. I run. I run until I collapse on the cold grass. I cough and my breathing has lapsed. It's happening again. My thoughts are dragging me down.

"NO!" I screech, "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!"

I feel sweat dripping from my face. I feel my body shaking violently, and soon, I can't feel my body at all. My vision is getting blurry once again, and I continue to scream the same one word over and over. No. I'm still crying, I know it. I don't want to feel this anymore! I'm always here though, I cannot escape. I am always with my thoughts, there are just some times where they start to squeeze my sanity out. Panic and fear swirl throughout my body and my mind is swirling with my dark thoughts. I try and regain my control, but once again, it has slipped through my fingers. Not again. I can't go through this again! But I am. I'm trapped.