Maternal Theory

The rain cleared up the air yesterday, leaving behind heavy humidity and the light from the sun is unusually scorching and bright today. I can’t help but feel it is mocking me. I finish packing up the last of her things and put it in a suitcase in the corner. I look around the empty room and wait for something to stir inside of me. Nothing. The silence lays cold and suffocating, much like her love and the room is gloomy and dark despite the weather. Mom always complained about the location of the guest room, how our careless planning had left a room that was incapable of letting light in. Ironic she would say that.  I straightened the sheets one final time and locked the windows. I just had one last thing to do. The bedside drawer shook as I jiggled its knob trying to get it to open. Everyone else would avoid this drawer. Not her though. She was stubborn that way. She had left something for me in there. She had mumbled softly when I was giving her a bath a week before. I had a guess what it was, but no, it couldn’t be that. A gold pendant she used to keep in her locker. It was her mother’s. A symbol of greatness she used to call it. She never wore it because of her sour relationship with her mother but she had made it clear that she would pass it on to one of her children anyways. With a sigh, I decided to save this task for later. It was after 8am now. For now, it was time to prepare for the funeral.

Simon was already preparing breakfast when I entered the living room. I could smell the eggs and hear the oil sizzling. He is making omelette and toast with tea. It is what he makes whenever he cooks breakfast and I humour him those days even though eggs rather disgust me, because I am not big on breakfasts anyways and watching him bustle around the kitchen makes me smile. She thought it was pitiable and pathetic of me to continue eating something I didn’t particularly like for a man. He was a simple person and he liked routine, he believed in traditional family values and he loved teaching. He wanted less; nonetheless, he always knew what he wanted. His certainty towards life calmed my restlessness. Simon shook me out of my reverie. “Penny for your thoughts”, he smiled while placing the breakfast in front of me. “Gonna cost you more than that”, I said, forcing a smile back. “I am going to go wake the kids up honey”. “Alright”, I said through a mouthful of eggs. The smell of eggs seemed stronger today. I had to distract myself to swallow. “Oh babe, your sister left a message”, he screamed from the other room “she said she is reaching four hours earlier.” I looked up at the clock, she was initially coming just in time for the funeral service at 1 pm. It is almost 9 am, which means she must be reaching anytime now. I jumped out of my chair and rushed to the bathroom; I could feel the eggs coming up.

It was raining heavily that night. Mom had returned from work late and instructed us to tidy up and go to sleep. She seemed more agitated than usual. She was fidgeting with her sapphire ring, like she did when she was nervous, talking fast and loudly on the phone. It felt dangerous to argue with her so we did as we were told. Olivia fell asleep quickly on her own bed. Looking back, I realise that she was too stiff for a 6^th grader, for me. She reminded me of mom too much. That night was for some reason I felt hyper. I remembered the coke can in the fridge.  Mom had forbid us to get out of our beds once lights were out. Especially me, I wasn’t allowed liquid intake around bedtime since I used to wet my bed that time. I had already made up my mind though. I knew mom would have retired to her bedroom with a bottle of wine and won’t come out until morning and with that reassurance, I made my way to the fridge and sneaked the can back to my bunk. It felt like a quiet revolution and I wanted Liv to share that exhilaration with me. She violently brushed off my hand and told me to go back to sleep. It angered me, her always acting as if she was better than me. We were twins; we were supposed to be partners in crime. I finished my drink with new exuberance. The next morning’s memory is a blur. I first woke to the noise of my mom in our room screaming and throwing things, I sensed the wetness under me next. I looked at the clock, 7 am. I remember Liv standing at the door looking guilty and scared with a crushed coke can in her hand and the feeling of utter loneliness and self-loathing a second before the first slap landed on me.

I was putting my younger son, Joshua in the bath when the bell rang. Olivia. I left the door to be attended by Simon.  I expected knots in my stomach but I felt numb for the most part. We hadn’t talked in a long time. When mom first got sick and started needing all round care, Olivia had called suggesting we use her “contacts” and get her into a great old age home. I knew how mom felt about old age homes or strangers seeing her in an undignified state (her words) and hence suggested it was better if one of us took her in instead. I also knew how mom felt about me; which is why I suggested Olivia take her in. “You know how busy I am with work”, she had said hesitantly after a pause. She meant I wasn’t. Since I had decided to stop working after Carol was born.  Both she and mom were disappointed when I had told them about my decision. Liv didn’t show it much although it was clear but mom made her opinions known. “He is going to leave you one day for a young vixen and all you will have done is changed diapers. I told you he would turn you even more soft and passive.” We didn’t talk much after that last phone call, if we ever really did. I gave her updates on mom and she gave unsolicited advice on my quality of care. 9:30 am. Time is passing quietly and swiftly like it always has and soon this day too would be over. I booped Joshua’s nose. “It’s time to say hi to Aunty Liv.”

 “Olivia.”

“Hey.”

She still hadn’t changed her glasses for lenses and her brown hair had gotten longer than I had last seen them in pictures. She reached out for a hug and seemed as surprised about is as me. She must have noticed me looking around because she added, “Max couldn’t make it. He had a business trip to make.” Max was her boyfriend of three years. Weak excuse.

“That’s alright. Should I get you set up in the guest room?”

“Is that where mom was..”

“Yeah. Um. Okay. You can use Josh’s room.”

“No need for that. I have to leave by evening anyways.” Of course. “Okay.”

“Yeah.”

She took her purse and went to get refreshed.

“I am just going to say hi to the kids too and then come help you with anything you need.” She said it more as a question than a statement. I smiled and nodded. I still had to get started on the lunch and snacks. We had decided to skip on the caterers as we decided to keep the luncheon for close friends and family only. Mom was a private person; she would have wanted her funeral to be just that.

The funeral service was for an hour at the nearby church followed by a luncheon at the house. During the preparation, I watched Olivia interact with the kids. She came in the kitchen time to time to help with the small stuff. At one point she said something and Simon laughed, touched her shoulder and said something back which made them both burst into giggles. She suddenly looked directly at me and sobered up; Simon following her line of look, distanced himself subtly. I realized I was clenching my jaw after it started aching. My mind kept drifting towards the bedside drawer. There was nothing else mom talked about giving, apart from the pendant. Did Liv know? She was always confident that she was going to get it. I wouldn't wear it anything from Mom anyways, but just knowing how much it would piss Olivia off, I wanted that pendant.

The funeral service was short and sweet. Olivia and I both had decided to give our eulogies coordinated together to wrap up faster. We spoke about mom’s determination, fierceness to rise in a male dominated field. How she brought us up alone. Her loyalty towards the law and her firm. We didn’t want to lie so we didn’t speak anymore.

It was when we had just lowered her grave and everyone was turning around, that Olivia removed her coat and I saw it. The pendant, glinting in the light. I was sure she wasn’t wearing it when she came. She must have opened the drawer out of curiosity and taken it. I saw red. I was marching towards her when I was stopped suddenly by Mrs. Rose, our neighbor. “A good lady she was. Sweet.” I wanted to laugh but then again she could be a good person if you weren’t her daughter. “Thank you for coming, Mrs. rose. My family appreciates it.” “Tell me if you need anything dear”, she said before walking away.

I closed my eyes and started breathing with counts like my therapist had taught me to, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was my sister.

“Are you okay?”

“I-yeah.”

“Alright. I am going back to the house with carol, simon is bringing Josh. You can take your time.” she said putting a hand on my shoulder. I think it was that unfamiliar gesture from her that finally made me snap.

“I don’t need to take time.”

“Oh okay. Are you coming with us then?” I didn’t answer her. I didn’t want to. I just stared.

“Clare?”

“I took care of her.” I spoke softly looking at the ground.

“What?”

I looked up and took a step towards Liv. I was getting teary eyed, but I wouldn’t cry. Not for her. “For 2 years. I bathed her. I cleaned her shit and piss after she lost muscle control because she was too arrogant for a caretaker! I was there, listening to her get more bitter as she got more helpless. Not you, me!”

“What is your problem?” she spoke back dismissively, “No one asked you to do it. It was your choice. You choosing to be a pushover for everyone in your life is not my fault.”

“That pendant was for me!” I screamed. I knew my face was red. Every passing minute I was getting more frustrated. It was mine.

“This pendant? Clare, mom left me this a month ago. She mailed it to me or had someone mail it me I guess. And since when do you care what Mom does” she added with a laugh laced with genuine disbelief, “You really think she would have left you this? Are you that naïve honey?”

“Hey! What going on?” Simon shouted while jogging towards our direction.

I looked at Olivia. I wondered if she secretly disliked mom or I was just giving her too much credit and she was too much like her to hate her. “If I were you, I would be a lot more afraid of ending up like her. You are going to be alone and loveless but unlike her you won’t even have a kid to look after you.” Simon dragged me off before she could respond.

Lunch was uneventful. People came up to me and Olivia, made small talk, complimented the canapés and left after giving their final condolences. Olivia shed a tear here and there. I was mechanical throughout. I knew I should be playing the part of the grieving daughter better but I just didn’t care anymore. I stood near the piano in the living room with a glass of wine in my hand. I lost count of the number. I kept drinking and thinking. Maybe they were right. Maybe I had been a pushover. Giving and giving. Maybe Simon and this marriage was holding me back. Maybe he is too boring and simple and I need someone who challenges me to do better. I saw Simon and Olivia talking in hushed tones. She was probably filling him in on the argument since I had refused to do that. He looked around until he caught my eye and gave me a disappointed look. I cringed inwards, maybe I shouldn’t have said the last part but I wasn’t ready to admit that yet. Only 3-4 people were left. 4 pm. We were almost done.

I spent the rest of the evening in a haze doing chores and putting the kids for a nap until Simon approached me. I was washing dishes. I could hear Liv watching TV outside. She was leaving immediately but simon insisted that she stay instead of waiting at the airport. “It should have been you, stopping her from leaving. She’s your sister,” he started in a hushed tone with furrowed eyebrows. I hated that look. He gave this looks to his students. “How could you say all those things to her?”

 “It’s none of your business.”

“You sound as heartless as your Mom.” My hands stilled. I knew he was saying something more but I didn’t want to hear it. I tried to focus on the water running but I felt betrayed. I felt angry and small.

“I want a divorce,” I interrupted.

He went quiet in the middle of his sentence. He just looked at me with no emotion on his face for the first time. “You should go say bye to Liv. It’s time for her flight.” He turned and left. Liv. He had called her Liv.

She was standing at the door with her bags waiting for me. “Thank you for the hospitality. You did good with the funeral service. Also with mom. You did good,” she turned around and opened her mouth a few times to say something but finally decided against it and just said in a soft tone, “I’ll call you, Bug.” She hadn’t called me that since college. I watched her get in the cab without once looking back. “Dinner’s ready. You and kids should eat. I need sleep,” I said to Simon who was standing next to me.

“We need to talk,” he pleaded.

“Not now,” I said grabbing a wine bottle and heading to the guest room. I couldn’t think. I needed dark and quiet. 8 pm, I just had to make it for a few more hours.

The guest room even smelled clean. That felt wrong somehow. I put my head on the pillow and closed my eyes. Just for a few seconds. When I woke up next, it was 11:05. The wine bottle had slipped from my hand and stained the carpet blood red. The last two conversations with Simon came rushing back to me and I felt bile rise up. I couldn’t sleep in our bedroom but I couldn’t sleep here either. I would just sleep on the couch for tonight. First, the drawer. I grabbed the drawer knob with both my hands and pulled it as hard as I could it while trying to shimmy it. I expected it to be empty anyways. My stomach burned with acid and alcohol and my head hurt. I wanted to scream and break every furniture in this room. The drawer gave way and I fell with a thud on my tailbone. I didn’t have time to process the pain because it wasn’t empty. There was a ring box. Her sapphire ring. The only jewelry she bought for herself because she had felt a weird attraction to it. Why would she give this to me? What did it mean? I realized I just wanted to know if it meant she did love me. The time to ask her had gone. She was gone. I stared it until it got blurry. I realized I had tears in my eyes. I wiped them but they kept coming. It was still 11:05. The clock had stopped. Time wasn’t passing anymore. I could hear the breeze outside. She would never feel another breeze again. We would never have another conversation ever again. There would be no new memories of her. Our story was frozen here. We both had lost our chance to fix our relationship. I couldn’t take it anymore. I clutched that ring like a life jacket and broke down. The door opened and Simon came in. He didn’t think twice before rushing to hold me. “I don’t want a divorce,” I cried through heavy snot and tears. It is going to be okay was all he said.

I could feel Simon’s head between my shoulder blades. 12:15 am. The day was over. I was awake for a long time that night until I finally fell asleep fidgeting with the sapphire ring on my finger.