First and Last Kiss

The First and Last Kiss

Fifty is the sixteen of old age, an age when you know you have crossed a threshold into another era of your life. It is a time of contemplation and retrospection. Emma had found herself at this threshold quicker than she had anticipated as she witnessed the passage of her daughter’s growth from infant to teen and her father’s decline from virile man to an elderly infirmed shadow of the man who raised her. Emma had never considered that middle age meant being stuck in the middle of a generational sandwich in which she was the condiment that held it all together.  

She woke the morning of her 50th birthday in Brewster, Massachusetts. Cape Cod had been her refuge for her birthdays for the past dozen years, a place to celebrate herself when no one else did. Another surprise of her adulthood, if she did not celebrate herself no one would. Not the parents, not the husband, not the child, and not the family biological or chosen. Emma grew up an only child being raised by a single alcoholic father. Her mother left them both before she had reached puberty effectively making her the “Lady of the house” before she was even a “woman”. Emma was the quintessential parentified child, learning at an early age to care and celebrate others before ever thinking about herself. Unfortunately, this learned trait made it easy for others to forget about her, care for her, or celebrate her. So it was Cape Cod that celebrated her every year with it’s summer sunrises over high tide bays and sunsets over low tide ones that presented her with gifts of tidal pools filled with tiny fish, translucent shrimp, and hermit crabs. Seagulls and Pipers danced for her in the sky as the breeze caressed her skin and golden sunsen rays illuminated her soul enough for another year of life. It was a time and place that lived in her heart and soul all the rest of the year.  

So it was, Emma’s 50th year began as the past 12 years had, with the Dawn beckoning her to the beach for a peaceful stroll to think about what the past year had brought into her life and what the upcoming year might have in store. This reflection had a different tone then the years prior, it was filled with thoughts of times when she was at cross roads in her life and she began to muse about the paths she did not travel. Never having time for regrets as she chased her career, her husband, her child, her divorce, her father’s failing health. Emma never allowed herself to indulge in the what if’s of choices not made. This morning was different, as 50 was different, and she allowed her mind to drift all the way back to her first true love. The one she never spoke about out loud, the one she never publicly declared, the one she never mourned, the one she kept close to her heart for nearly 3 decades.  

Emma never even spoke to the person whom she loved, and definitely not about the heartbreaking emotions that ravaged her every time she looked at her for the six years between sixteen and twenty two, that elusive time of transitions. Six years of watching her best friend, Megan, love men who never appreciated the goddess that had been bestowed upon them. Emma watched as the highschool one cheated on Megan constantly and then showered her with crappy jewelry to make up for it. Emma watched the big blonde boy in college make Megan a mother, and mourned as motherhood caused them to drifted apart. From the birth of Megan’s child until today Emma had only heard of Megan in hearsay and chatter of thier mutual friends or on Megan’s infrequent posts. Emma never had the courage to tell her best friend the truth that laid within her heart. It was this thought that swirled in her mind as the wind blew along the shore that morning of her 50th birthday.

Her long lost love for her high school best friend began to fill her mind as she prepared for the day’s activities, a boat ride to Nantucket with her teen girl, the true love of her life. As Emma looked at the fearless funny young woman who had sprouted before her eyes she realized a truth. Truths were funny these days, they appeared in the most random places at the most random times to smack her in the face and make her realize things about herself. Emma always encouraged her free spirited child to be true to herself because Emma had learned the hard way how not doing that could have lifelong consequences.  Emma wanted to spare her daughter the decades of self loathing she had endured. That bright summer morning on the ferry speeding through the choppy Nantucket Sound, Emma found herself once again encouraging her daughter to go and talk to the pretty girl who kept looking their way. "You will probably never see her again, go work on your game and report back to me" Emma said with a daring grin, all the while musing about what would have happened if she had someone telling her that decades ago. As her curly haired child hesitantly walked away towards her own future, Emma reached into her bag responding to a ding from her cell. There is was, the Universe nudging her, a birthday text from Megan, Happy Birthday Emma!

It was there and then that Emma threw all caution to the wind, followed the Universal nudge, and texted Megan the words she dared never to utter as a young woman. 

Thanks for the birthday wishes… 50 is definitely different… I have to tell you something… I have been thinking of you all morning … I had the biggest crush on you way back when…

That was it, Emma let it hang there with the ellipsis, a punctuation Emma was fond of but that her daughter made fun of. The minutes ticked by and Emma began to get lost in her thoughts about how 50 year old Megan would be reacting to this revelation. Her musings were interrupted by her daughter’s return with her new friend who decided to leave her family and join them for their exploration of the Island. Emma, committed to "living in the moment" at her advanced age tucked her phone deep within her beach bag and went on her way to enjoy the youthfulness of the two girls on a new adventure.  

The search for vegan food and the perfect souvenir led the way down crowded cobblestone roads and into expensive shops. This search took over the day as they made their way around the tiny Island. The conversation between the two girls amused Emma and completely overwhelmed her attention. Soon all was forgotten about her lost love or the text she had dared to send.

The new friend eventually rejoined her family as Emma and her daughter boarded the ferry back to the mainland. Thier ride back and drive back to thier beach house was filled with her daughter’s detailed recollections of the young lady that spent the day with them. Even though Emma was there to witness it all, she let her child talk as if it were all new to her. This was her priceless birthday gift, these moments with her grown up baby and for that she was extremely grateful and delighted.  

It was not until that evening, with a Woodford Rye in hand, that Emma fished her cell from her bag to check for birthday messages. Among the dozen or so, she found Megan’s six word response and spit out the sip she had just taken.

"I think I always knew that."

Once again, she was paralyzed by the thought of Megan, until she read the next text that would dictate the following six weeks of her life, it was from her Aunt Norma.

"Your Father is not well. Maybe you should come home. I think we need hospice, now."

There are moments in your life that become the point from which there is a before and an after. Emma instinctively knew that this was one of those moments. She called her Aunt, never mentioning her monumental birthday, and made arrangements for the following day.  

The next day Emma and her daughter drove home and began the process of cleaning up her Dad’s life and preparing for his death. Eight years of battling cancer had made this moment inevitable but the realization hit Emma like a freight train, demolishing all other thoughts and leaving a pile of destruction it’s wake. Her Father’s body fought death as his mind wandered closer to it each day. Emma was not prepared for the endless days of hospice, with the administration of medicines, the wiping of body parts she had spent a lifetime avoiding, and the tending to an aged body in the way she had only done for her baby. Those days changed Emma, she became tender and forgiving in an indescribable way. She lost herself in reminiscing about a traumatic childhood while smoothing out the jagged edges leaving only the love to be remembered in the future.

Emma found herself immensely grateful for having heard her daughter’s first breath and witnessing her Father’s last one. She was thankful for the time she had spent preparing for his memorial so that when the day came she could just mourn.

The room was filled with long lost relatives and friends of the family celebrating the jovial man they knew to be her Father. His drinking and abuse were her secret to bear. Emma kept them close knowing that in those last days she had truly forgiven him so there was no need to hamper the commemoration of the man who had helped so many. Lost in this thought, Emma did not notice the lovely matured woman who had walked over to her.  

"Emma” 

The sound of her name snapped her back into the room and in front Megan. Surprised by this, Emma was at a loss for words wondering how Megan knew about her Father’s passing or why she had come. Megan could see her surprise and just put out her arms. Emma fell into Megan’s embrace and inhaled her coconut oil scent. She was immediately transported back to Megan’s childhood bedroom and then flushed with embarrassment over thier last communication. When they pulled away from one another, Megan asked her if there was some place they could talk.

Emma excused herself and brought Megan to a small lounge set aside for grieving family members. It was empty and afforded them the privacy to talk uninterrupted. Megan began by giving Emma her condolences and she retold stories about the man she knew 30 years before. She asked Emma how she was doing with all that had happened. They spoke about being daughters and Mothers, about how life had transpired since they last saw one another, and how they wished they lived closer to one another. As Megan got up to leave Emma was sure that her foolish birthday confession would be conveniently forgotten until Megan turned to her and said, "I always knew you has a crush on me but I was too scared to do anything about it. Maybe, I was too scared to lose you as a friend. I had never been so vulnerable with someone as I had been with you and I could not imagine how I could have lived without that, with you, in my life at the time.”

Emma was stunned and rooted where she stood. Megan put her hands on Emma’s cheeks and brought her face up to hers as she leaned down to place her impossibly soft lips on Emma’s. Time stopped for a moment and they were once again sixteen, fresh and fearless, kissing as if for the first time in their lives. A string of tentative kisses filled with decades of longing and uncertainty. As Emma’s arms encircled Megan’s waist, softened by time and babies, they both heard a knock at the door. The knock ended the trance, they quickly pulled away from one another. The door opened and there stood the tall blonde boy, now a man, dressed in a mourning suit and with a stern look on his face as he tapped his watch in Megan’s direction. "Hey Emma, sorry to hear about your Dad. Meg says he was a good guy. We got to get a move on to beat the traffic home Meggy, the girls have that thing tonight” he said in his gruff voice.  

Megan looked over at Emma, pulled her into a goodbye embrace and whispered “I felt the same way too”. Then she walked away, out of Emma’s life for good this time, with her boy-next-door husband.  

Emma realized that she was once again at a fork in the road of life but this time she had Megan’s kiss to direct her to the road less traveled.