You’re Not Even Happy

Aurelie’s long black hair hung down her back, the twisted braids being slowly undone by fat raindrops that fell. It seemed as if they were all hitting her at once. She was grateful she’d chosen the oversized jacket and combat boots to wear, though that was more for fashion than practicality. She regretted not choosing something with a hood. That would require her to check the weather ahead of time, though, and she rarely did that. 

She rushed down the gray city streets, people rushing past her in each direction. No matter how fast she moved, there was always someone moving faster. Always someone who was more desperate to get wherever they were going. Aurelie’s thoughts grew darker as the rain became more of a deluge, each gush carrying trash and debris past her in streams. 

In another two blocks she would reach the coffee shop, where her date awaited. Another Saturday, another hopeful date she’d matched with on the newest dating app. The marketing promised it would be better for women, because the women initiated contact first. The good part was, this meant she got less unwanted pictures of certain body parts in her DMs. Not zero, though. Just less. 

As she waited in the crowd to cross another street, the grumbles of complaints circled around. The atmosphere of the dim weather was heightened by a thrum of discontented protest, thrown back at the storm by city dwellers. The general attitude of misery annoyed her. Even her own misery felt like a chafing friction in her spirit. 

I’ve got to lighten this terrible mood, even if just for myself, she thought. She determined not to enter this date with a dour face. The mob of people rushed forward to cross the street. Aurelie hung toward the back of the group, taking more time, but still moving forward. Another group crossed the street toward her, heads buried under umbrellas. Minds inside their phones. 

This would make a cool shot, she thought. Aurelie glanced behind her and swiped her phone into portrait mode with pure muscle memory. Checking that her red lip stain was still strong, she put on a smile and took the photo. 

“You’re not even happy!” a gruff voice yelled, as a man bumped into her shoulder. 

Aurelie jerked to the side, removing her body from the shocking contact, and raised an arm reflexively. She looked around, but the stranger was already gone. There was only a writhing mass of long overcoats and black umbrellas. No one else seemed to hear him. Her mouth gaped open, and she turned quickly, dragging her own feet forward, heart racing. She had no desire to get into an argument with a stranger, especially with anyone who would so easily fling their own negativity around like a weapon. 

“What the– Wha…? Huh–” she stuttered as she flowed with the crowd, and replayed the event in her head. Her mind failed to grasp the strange encounter. In all her years traveling the city alone, she was familiar with rude strangers, though most people ignored each other, preferring to mind their own business. Sure, some people shouldered past you too hard, or slid into the seat on the train right before you. But that was a natural part of living in a large city. 

She had never been yelled at, though. And for what? Taking a selfie? The words continued to ring in her mind for the rest of her walk. 

You’re not even happy. 

Aurelie blinked her eyes against the onslaught of rain and tucked her phone back into her oversized jacket pocket. 

You’re not even happy.

The ting of a bell rang as she entered the bustling coffee shop. 

You’re not even happy.

Her date droned on about his high powered job, where he was very important and made a lot of money. He asked her no questions. Her coffee got cold because she forgot to drink it. She felt dazed. 

You’re not even happy. 

A painful hour went by and she said polite goodbyes. She dodged his questions about whether they’d see each other again, and wandered back down the bleak gray streets. Rats piled up on top of each other around light poles, flushed out of their burrows by the weather. She thought of her life and the choices she had made. Combat boots sloshed in puddles, but she didn't feel the rain anymore. 

Am I happy? She wondered, entering her apartment and locking the door behind her. She leaned back against the door and looked around at the sparse space. She had renewed her lease for the third year, but hadn’t even hung up pictures on the walls. Hadn’t she said she promised herself she would decorate this year? 

Bed. Nightstand. TV. Desk. Desk chair. Bookshelf. Closet. Kitchen. Bathroom. 

You’re not even happy. 

Her computer screen blinked to life, and she saw her screensaver flash. A majestic castle, nestled in the Scottish countryside, next to pristine blue waters. A trip to Scotland had always been on her bucket list. She scheduled vacation time last week, but then rescheduled it to work overtime on a new project at work. She thought it would impress her new boss, but it backfired. He had taken all the credit for her ideas and then left her out of the final presentation with the executives. 

You’re not even happy. 

Aurelie threw her rain soaked jacket over her desk chair and sank onto her bed, throwing an arm over her eyes. She knew it was true. She wasn’t happy. How had she not realized it? Somewhere along the way, she’d traded her intentional pursuit of joy for… for what?

For swiping right on guys she knows she’s not going to like? For an apartment in a neighborhood she hated, to be closer to the job that was sucking the life out of her? For microwave dinners and another weekend Netflix binge?

Her brow wrinkled as she tried to remember when things had gotten off track in her life. In college, Aurelie was confident that she would be in publishing by now. She took the entry level job at a financial company, because she needed stability. It was supposed to be temporary. Just temporary. That was seven years ago. 

You’re not even happy. 

The gruff voice grated on her brain. She sat up, walking over to her computer desk. With a swipe of the mouse, the dreamy scenery went away, replaced by an email from her friend, Morgan, dated two weeks earlier. 

Sweet Aura Lee, Aura Me, Aura Mine,

Look what I found! They created a new role at my friend’s publishing company. I think you’d be perfect. I put the link below. It’s your dream!! Go for it! Put me as a reference! I’ll put in a good word.

 Love,

Morgs

PS- I’m bringing the snacks to girls night next week, since you bought last time! See you then! Love youuuuuuuuu. 

PPS- is it "PPS" or "PSS"? I always forget. It's like Post Script Script or something, right? Whatever, you better apply for this job! Byeeeeee! 

She smiled as she read Morgan’s words. Morgan typed like she talked, in excited proclamations. Every statement, whether written or verbal, came out with a lilt of hope at the end. Aurelie's grin faded as she remembered canceling girls' night. She’d been too tired from work to go through with it. She hadn’t rescheduled.

YOU’RE NOT EVEN HAPPY!

The voice was like a roar of white noise in her mind now, and she felt her heart seize with panic. 

“I’m not…,” she muttered, an ache rising in her chest. She squeezed her eyes shut. She felt a quaking begin in her shoulders, and stood up, pacing to try and give her anxiety somewhere to go. It flowed out of her eyes anyway, and hot tears fell. 

“I’M NOT EVEN HAPPY!” She roared at no one in particular. Her gaze darted around the apartment, and an irrational laugh bubbled up out of her. 

“I– I’m – Of course… I’m not even happy!” she muttered, the only noise in the apartment was her loud, painful gasps of breath. 

Her fit continued, starting with laughter and melting into fitful sobs. She flopped back onto her bed, arms and frizzy braids flailing around her. 

“I’m not even happy,” she whispered, forcing herself to take a deep breath. Tears hit her ears and created wet stains on her comforter. With another deep breath, her mental fog began to lift. She felt a clarity that she wasn’t sure she had ever felt before. 

She sat up, wiped her eyes on the back of her sleeves, and marched back over to her desk. A calm determination started to replace her panic. 

I may not be happy right now, she thought, but I can change that. 

She clicked the link. 

______________________

Earlier that day

Arjun hated the rain. But he prepared, donning his long coat and bringing his umbrella. What he was not prepared for, was his friend’s mind boggling stupidity.

“Dude, she wants to get back together,” Julian whined in his ear. 

Arjun rolled his eyes, pulling the phone away from his ear as he waited to cross the street. He impatiently tapped his foot, and lamented forgetting to charge his Airpods last night. 

“I know, I know, I hear your silence,” Julian continued, “But she apologized, man. She said it was just a one time thing and it didn’t mean anything. I should believe her, right? Forgive her? That seems like the right thing to do.” 

“Julian, please, we can’t do this again. We’ve already discussed it three times this week. Look, you know I’ll support you in what you want to do, but I just don’t feel like I’m being a good friend if I don’t tell you the truth.” 

“Yeah, but, like she’s really, really sorry about this time. Man I don’t know…” Julian trailed off, sounding unconvincing, even to himself. 

“Don’t you remember how things were? Even before she cheated? You were–”

“No, man, I think she’s really changed,” Julian rebutted.

“In two weeks? Wow! Call the pastor, it’s a Christmas miracle,” Arjun’s sarcasm dripped out. He looked around at the huddled crowd, bombarded with rain. Some people didn’t even have umbrellas. 

Check your weather app, people, he silently chided.

“Arjun, man, that’s not funny. Look, you know I appreciate your advice on this kind of stuff–”

“You say that, but you don’t seem to want to take my advice. I want you to have the kind of relationship that is simple and joyful. I mean, let's just review the facts. She threw away three years of your relationship together on an old fling from high school because he wears flannel and owns a tree farm in her hometown. How cliche is that? I don’t want you to live in a hallmark nightmare, Julian, I want you to live a real life!” Arjun shot back. 

He felt his temper growing. He remembered how devastated Julian had been when his ex broke the news to him that she had cheated on him. 

“No I think it's like a-- a bakery or something,” Julian said contemptuously, “And it doesn’t matter. They’re not together now, she told me how it happened and I think she was just–”

Julian kept talking but Arjun could hardly hear him over the swell of his own anger. He felt protective of his friend, but also knew that he needed to let his friend make his own mistakes. The push and pull of the two sides of him warred, pushing his tension higher. 

The traffic light flickered from green, to yellow, to red. The sea of pedestrians surged with the change of the light, a river of coats and bags propelled forward. The echo of footsteps on the pavement pulsed in his ears, like currents of urgency wearing down the concrete paths ahead. The roaring waves in his ears grew louder. Julian still droned on about how much he missed whats-her-name and the truth finally came out of Arjun’s mouth, in the middle of a city crosswalk. 

“You’re not even happy!” he shouted, sidestepping the giant rat that ran by his foot. He felt his shoulder bump into something, and saw a flash of red lips. That was louder than he’d meant to say it. He was met with silence on the other end of the line. 

“I’m sorry Julian,” Arjun kept moving, the throng’s urgent hum forcing him to move forward. “I didn’t mean to say it like that. I just care about you, man, but you gotta ask yourself… I mean seriously, ask yourself. Were you really happy with her?”

Another beat of silence. Arjun let the question stew. He realized, belatedly, that he’d bumped into someone and not even apologized. He glanced around, but saw no one looking his way. He kept moving. 

“I guess– I – I don’t know, I guess I haven’t really stopped to think about it like that, man,” Julian acknowledged. 

“If you haven’t stopped to consider whether or not you're actually happy with your life, maybe it’s because you know... like you know, deep down, that you’re not really satisfied. Not really living life at its fullest,” Arjun said, letting gentleness take his voice to his broken hearted friend. 

“Alright, you’ve got a point. I hear you. Anyway, wanna come over and watch the game tonight? I, uh–” Julian stuttered.

Arjun knew that this was his stoic friend’s way of agreeing with him. Julian was asking him to spend time together, so he could avoid calling his ex. 

“For sure, man. I’ll bring the wings. Text me what you want and I’ll swing by the store on my way. See you later.” 

Arjun kept walking down the street, still irritated. His irritation was redirected at himself, right now. He’d forgotten his laptop at work, and was now having to go by the office on a Saturday to pick it up. He stepped into his building, the sound of his shoes clicking on tiles echoed in the empty lobby. He took the elevator up to the 15th floor, unlocked his office, Wild Oaks Publishing, and stepped inside. 

            Ping. 

The sound was loud in the silent office. He knew he shouldn’t, but he sat down in his desk chair to glance at his emails, feeling the urgent pull that the ping had conditioned in him. He had been interviewing candidates for the new position for a week but so far, no one was impressing him. His email informed him that someone else had applied to the position. Looks like he had another applicant to interview this week.