Just coffee

What would you like?

Coffee please.

Just coffee?

Yes, just coffee.

No food?

No.

No snack?

Snacks are food and no.

So just coffee?

Yes, just coffee.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Hmm, well I would recommend the millionaire shortbread.

No.

You see, it’s this shortbread brick, then a caramel layer and finally hard chocolate. Would you like to try it?

I said no.

Are you sure?

Yes.

So you do want it?

No. I want coffee. Just coffee. Nothing else.

Nothing?

Yes. Nothing.

Not even coffee?

Argh! I want coffee and nothing after that.

What about before the coffee?

No!

Not even for free?

No!

Why’s that? You in a grump?

Yeah, ‘cause of you.

No need to be rude. Just doing my job.

Doing it badly.

Don’t be rude to the workers. They might poison your food.

I’m not getting food.

What, you on an extreme diet?

No I’m just not hungry.

Okay so do you want some water?

I just ordered coffee.

Hmm. You know, normally diets extend to caffeine as well.

I’m not on a diet!

Did you know food and tea can help ease stress? I’ll go get you some.

But I ordered coffee!

Here’s your tea and shortbread.

I didn’t order tea or shortbread.

They’re on the house

But I didn’t want them.

Tea’s good for stress.

I’m not stressed.

You sure seem like it.

That’s because I want my coffee!

Shouty much.

I’m not shouting. I just want the drink that I ordered.

These are better. Trust me.

But I don’t want them.

Too bad, I’m not taking them back. No one wants left overs.

I haven’t touched them!

Seriously stop shouting.

I’m not shouting.

You’re irritating our customers.

I am one of your customers! And you’ve given me the wrong food!

Alright that’s it, get out of this shop.

What?!

You heard me, you’re banned for disrupting the business.

I didn’t disrupt anything! I just want my coffee.

Well go somewhere else.

Fine. I bet it would have tasted gross anyway.

Would you like to order?

Yes, please.

 What would you like?

Coffee.

Just coffee?

Yes.

No food?

This again? No, I do not want any food or snacks. Yes, I just want coffee and nothing else. No I am not stressed. No, I do not want tea or shortbread. No I am not on a diet. Yes, I do want my caffeine. Now can I order my coffee?

Okay. No need to be grumpy.

Argh!

Here is your coffee and biscuit.

I didn’t order a biscuit.

Everyone who just orders a drink get a biscuit.

Can I give it back?

No. It’s yours.

But I don’t want it.

Too bad. It’s the café’s policy.

If I leave it here, will you take it back?

I’ll make sure you eat it before you leave.

I’m allergic to biscuits.

No you’re not.

How do you know?

Because this isn’t your first time here. And I’ve seen you scoff like an entire box of biscuits.

Those were chocolate!

What’s the difference? And besides, it’s against our policy to accept fake allergies.

Meaning?

Meaning you can’t come back here for a month and if you lie about allergies again, you’re banned for a year.

How hard is it to get a simple coffee in this town?

Very hard actually. Most cafés agree to encourage someone to have food or tea/water if they just order caffeine.

You’re kidding!

No.

That’s just silly. I only want the coffee.

Then just drink it and give the biscuit to your visiting niece.

How do you know I have a niece?

I told you, this isn’t your first time here. And I’m good friends with the local bar and you talk when drunk.

And you listen? That’s a bit creepy.

Who cares? Just drink your caffeine and go.

Gladly. I’m really getting bored of this talk.

Then why are you still talking?

Because you’re still here!

Well, then I’ll leave.

Please do.

No need to be rude.

I’m not being rude! I just want to drink my coffee in peace.

I would go to a different city then

Why! It’s just coffee!

How long have you lived here? Three minutes? No one just serves coffee anymore. It’s not 1586!

I doubt they even had coffee then!

Oh yes, their cafés were very lucky.

Did they even have cafés?

Of course! They had cafés back in the Ice Age.

How?

Cafés have existed since the dawn of time. Everyone knows that.

But it’s not true!

How dare you!

It’s the truth!

Alright, forget about the allergy policy. You’re banned.

How is that reason enough to ban me?

Every café would agree. You're banned.

All I wanted was a simple coffee. Why is that so complicated?

You’re banned. I have no reason to talk to you.

Argh! Will I ever get some caffeine!

Probably not. This town is very against it.

Why are you still here?

It’s my shop. And you shouldn’t be in here.

Fine, I’ll leave.

Did you get your coffee? You’ve gone for three hours.

Sorry, no. Do you know how hard it is to find some caffeine with nothing attached in this town?

Yes. That’s why I get you to do it for me.

Brutal. It’s torture out there.

I know, no one has coffee anymore. What has the world been reduced to?

Ha-ha. Very funny. But I do wish I could have some caffeine right now. I’m practically sleepwalking.

Here.

You made me go out there while you had some the entire time?

It’s for emergencies only. And you sleeping through the service is an emergency and a terrible embarrassment.

Well, thank you anyway. I need to be awake for the speech.

Actually, while you were gone, we voted that Ryan does it instead.

WHAT! But I spent weeks practising!

You got the script yesterday. And it makes more sense for Ryan to do it.

But he’s so… annoying.

Yes, well, he’s the better option than you, no matter your past grievances.

I thought you were on my side.

Siblings always vote against each other. It’s the family law.

Unless you are twins or close.

Are we?

No. But we do live together.

Only every few weeks.

Thank god. I can’t survive that long with caffeine. By the way, where did you get this one from?

I stole it from your stash last week.

YOU WHAT!