The Gray Room

The room is unfamiliar. I don’t know how I got here. There are no windows, the walls a light gray. Light comes from a source that I cannot see, and there are no shadows here. The ceiling has a rough texture to it, colored the same as the walls. I turn around and see no door to the room, as it is the same behind me as before me.

The floor shakes a little, and I look down at myself. My feet are bare, and I wiggle my toes. I can see the hair of my legs, and my knobby knees. The floor is painted gray, and on it a spiral of lines that iris out to the walls.

I can see a mound of hair at the top of my legs, and the tip of my penis poking out from the curls. I move my hand and push aside the hair, and cup my balls. A tingle of pleasure moves though my body, and I can feel it get hard. I stop, not wanting to continue. I don’t know why, but something tells me I am not ready for that.

My belly and chest are covered in light brown hair. I run my hand up to my face, feeling some hair on my face around my chin, and above my eyes. I have a full head of hair, and is cut short as I feel around the back of my head.

It seems to be all here. But where is here? I don’t know how I got here. In fact, I don’t remember anything before this. It feels like I have always been here. I feel love and for a moment I see a face, a woman’s. She has brown hair, and an easy smile that I like immediately. Her smile turn to a frown, and I see another face, masked and with glasses.

That face vanishes, and I only see gray around me. Something about that face unsettles me, but I don’t know why. The gray room is safe, and is a comfort. It gives me no questions, no doubts. The image of that masked face though, scares me. Something about the eyes, brown and uncaring. The light having gone out of them, an abyss of emptiness staring back at me when I looked into them.

I don’t know what to call that look, but I feel a shudder run down my spine, and a twinge in the small of my back. The sensation passes, and for a moment I feel safe. Things are going to work out.

I relax, and then let out a breath. As the last whisper of air escapes my lips, a strange sharp pain pokes on the underside on my right foot. The pain scrapes along my heel, and drags up my calf, a gasp coming out of my mouth. I have never felt such a thing before. It stops, and then the sharp pain is in my side, doubling me over. I retch, and with every last ounce of strength, I try not to vomit on the floor. I don’t want to ruin the gray room.

The pain continues, causing me to bend over backwards. I try to get away from whatever is causing it, but I see nothing, no point of metal jabbing me in my side, no wound in my foot or rib. And as suddenly as it began, it stops.

I cry out, beginning for mercy. I call to the face of the woman I saw before this all started. She would never do this, with such a kind face and loving blue eyes. I hold the image of her face in my mind, her smile driving the memory of the pain that only a few moment ago was my entire existence. It pleases me, and when I leave the gray room, I hope to meet her.

The pain strikes again, on the other side. It is worse, and I twist my body against the floor, writhing back and forth as the pain burrows into my side. I know nothing else but that pain, and it consumes everything about me. I cannot scream, I cannot move my arms, I cannot find a way to end it. I would do anything to stop it. The pain drives into my very soul, digging its way into the center of me. I can feel the metal tube as it driven into my chest. I feel it scrape past a rib, and enter my lung. I can’t see anything now, as the pain has blinded me. I try to suck in a breath, and the air has vanished. I cannot breathe, I cannot see, I cannot see her face.

And then, the pain stops. Cool air enters my lungs, and I lay flat on the floor, sweat wetting my forehead. I can do naught but lay on the gray floor, slowly sucking in cool air, hoping that the pain does not return. I don’t know the words, but I pray. I cannot survive another pain like the ones that I have experienced.

What did I do to deserve this? I can’t remember. All I know is this gray room, and for a brief moment, the face of the woman I saw. Nobody deserves that pain I felt.

I must have been bad. The world would not be so cruel as to do this to me if I didn’t deserve it. I managed to look at my side where the pain began. Not so much as a mark on my skin. I pushed into my side with my finger, to feel if it were sore.

My side ached, as if it had been an old injury, barely remembered as though it were in a dream. For something that struck me so painfully, I thought there should be something left. There was only a red mark from my finger where I pressed it into my side.

I tried to stand, my knees wobbling, and my back cracking when I reach for the ceiling, stretching myself out. Maybe its over, maybe it won’t happen again.

I breathe in once, and release, and as my chest expands to take the second, the pain returns, in the back of my neck where it meets my collarbone. I drop immediately, my face slapping the gray floor hard enough to compete for a just a moment with the pain. My eyes boil, every nerve burns, and I have lost all control of my limbs.

I know I won’t survive this. It hurts so much that I cannot even scream, but then a voice, other than my own calls out to me. “Hold on my son. I am coming for you. Hold on.”

There is something about that voice, that soothes all hurts, and calms my burning body. The pain hasn’t stopped, but there is a little space, a place where I might live. I crawl towards it in my mind. The voice speaks again, “Hold on, just for a bit longer. You are blessed, and I will guide you to the light.”

The voice came from that space, and I desperately try to get there as fast as I can. I know that once I reach it, this pain will end. I drag myself over the gray floor, sweat pouring down my face and off my arms. The floor squeaks as I pull myself to that place.

Then the pain doubles, pushing through my neck into my chest. I collapse, my hand extended out in front of me. I pray for death. I failed to reach that space, failed to save myself.

My head swims, and before I lose all consciousness, I feel a hand in mine. With ease, I am pulled into the space, and embraced. I didn’t hold on, I didn’t make it there myself, but I was saved, regardless. I go into the abyss, feeling loved.

***

“Its alive, Ms. Jackson…”

“What do you mean? My son, he survived?”

“Yes. Unfortunately, sometimes this procedure isn’t precise, and the mass is ejected while it is technically alive.”

“What does that mean?”

“Well, as you can see, the body has extensive injuries, to its foot, torso and neck. I recommend that we dispose of it immediately. We can fill out the paperwork for you. You just need the rest, and forget the whole thing. Really not to worry, Ms. Jackson.”

“Oh, wait. Isn’t he born now?”

“We don’t want to get into technicalities here. Let’s just dispose of it, and move along. We do need the room, Ms. Jackson. There are others waiting.”

“I...I...I don’t want to do that. He’s mine, and you can’t do that.”

“Well, yes that's correct, but with those extensive injuries, its isn’t going to have a quality of life. What I am saying is best.”

“Well, I don’t agree. I changed my mind. He’s my son, He has my eyes. I...I... request medical care for him.”

“We aren’t equipped for that here. You are going to have to go to County. Do you have transportation?”

“I...I...think so. My friend is out in the waiting room. She was going to drive me home, after.”

“Then its time to head in that direction. I’ll alert the front desk you will be coming out. Just follow the gray arrows to the exit, and you should see the light outside.”