Room for Mr. Cuddles

  She called me Mr. Cuddles, and took me from the shelter to her one room apartment near Kensington Market. I was just beginning to get my weight under control at the shelter. A lot of cats have complaints about the shelters but I always found they have a good weight detox program when your owner has really let you, let yourself go.

   Her one room dwelling was horribly claustrophobic. The only window ledge was far too high for me to climb. Similarly, the bed as well. A litter box was shoved into a corner, unceremoniously. A water bowl and food dish were placed far too close to the litter box. Hello, we have standards.

   The water bowl was also far too close to the wall. I chinned it away into the middle of the room. No easy feat considering the ridiculous shag rug on the floor. Dragging the water bowl out had certainly left a few wet spots. The food dish had some dried kibble of dubious origin. I wondered how many days I would have to heave that up before she got some proper wet food.

   She lifted me onto the bed. Where it seemed that I would have to fight a good number of stuffies for a place to rest. The quilt in the bed was welcomed, but before I could enjoy it, she pulled me up onto her chest and started kissing my forehead. Oh, no. She was a cuddler. A smotherer. I should have seen it coming when she named me Mr. Cuddles.

   I ducked my head down and did my best to extricate myself from her embrace, but she was a world class clinger. Pushing back against her body only increased the kisses.

   “Do you know who’s coming tonight?”

   No, as a species we generally do not concern ourselves with schedules and appointments in the future.

   “Jeremy’s coming. You get to meet Jeremy. And he gets to meet you. He’s a cat lover, and he’s going to love you, and then he’s going to love me.”

   Yep. Total loon. I pushed forward to try to escape over her shoulder but she was squeezing so hard I think my liver was pressing against my eyeballs.

  I can’t tell you how long this went on for. My species has no real sense of the passage of time, so let’s just say eternity. Finally, she let go and left me. If I was a younger cat I would have bolted under the bed, but the zoom had left me many pounds ago. I’m not a Maine Coon, but I have weight issues that put me near their neighborhood.

   She collected a towel, a bathrobe, and a toilet paper roll with the ballerina cover still on top, and took them all out of the room, down the hall to some shared communal bathrooms. She left me locked in the room.

   I dropped to the floor. I went to the window. If I reached up, I could get my paws on the ledge but I was past being able to leap up on it. More so, there were two ferns crowding the ledge.

   Then I notice the leaves of one of the ferns. Long, slender, and pointy. I swear one of them moved. Hi-ya! Wap, wap, wap! I pawed frantically at the fern leaves. The plant came tumbling down onto the carpet. Its ceramic holder cracked in half. Black soil spilled over the carpet. I don’t know what comes over me. What do you want? I’m a cat. It’s not something we can control. I looked at the other plant. Fern leaves. Fern Leaves. Fern Leaves. Yaaaahhhhh!!

   The other plant was successfully grounded.

   When she returned in her robe and her hair in a towel, I was patiently licking my belly clean of any debris.

   “Mr. Cuddles!”

   I looked up curious as to what was bothering her now.

   “Oh, Mr. Cuddles. You’ll ruin everything.” She lifted me up and held me over the bed. I think she was looking to see if any black dirt was sticking to me. Thankfully, she found nothing and lowered me onto the bed. Most undignified. I returned to personal grooming.  

   She cleaned away the plants. A shame really, I thought they made that part of the room more interesting the way I left them.

   There was a knock on the door. She opened it.

    “Jeremy, I’m not ready yet.”

   “Yeah, sorry, Vie. I just.. I wanted.. Hey, hi, big guy.”

   “That’s Mr. Cuddles.”

   “Aw, he’s awesome. Hey, big guy.”

   I don’t know what came over me but I found myself standing up to take a sniff of this young human. He approached with perfect grace and offered the back of his hand for a whiff. I checked out his scent, and then I brushed a cheek on his knuckles. He really was a charmer.

   “You know what I got for you?”

   Of course not. Why do humans play this game?

   “Treats.”

   He offered me one and I inhaled it. Delicious! Yes, I know they’re dry food. I know they’re only a step away from kibble. But they’re kibble’s better cousin. And they’re not dry. They’re moist. They have some sort of oily goodness in them.

   He gave me a few more, than passed the rest of the bag to Violet. He sat on the bed. I moved against him. He scratched behind my ears. Violet sat on my other side.

   “Why are you so early?”

   “I… I can’t go out. I got play rehearsal.”

   “You said she’d never cast you. You broke up with her.”

   “Yeah, but they had someone dropped out. She called me. That’s why this is last minute.”

   “You hate her.”

   “Well, you know, people have to grow up. I mean, it’s what I want to be doing. I couldn’t say no to her.”

   “How many nights? What nights?”

   “Yeah. A lot. And then the other nights I have to learn the lines. It’s not a small part. And some nights I’ll have to study, too.”

   “You mean all the nights? You mean the rest of your life. Get out. Go. Go!”

   She started slapping him. He pushed her hands away to get out of the room. He closed the door behind him. She threw the cat treats at the door.

   I dropped off the bed to get to the treats.

   “Cuddles!”

   I stopped on my way and hunched down as low as I could to make myself a smaller target. I looked at her. I looked at the treats at the bottom of the door. Would me going for the treats be cool? Not cool?

   Violet came over and sat down against the door on the floor. She picked a treat off the carpet and offered it to me. I ate it and rolled on my back beside her. She petted my chest and neck and offered me another treat.

   I purred. We were going to be alright.