A last cup of chocolate

Her.

The wind brought a blast of arctic air, which penetrated depths, the very marrow of my bones. The gray sky felt hollow and damp. There was a mixture of freshly baked cookies, cinnamon, sweet vanilla, and coffee in the air.  The evening sun began to make its course to its hiding place leaving a trail of violet rays as its final farewell. 

My hands were shaking, my lips were cracked, and I could not

even manage to put on my gloves. Winter was too much for me to bear. Not too

long ago I desired to be thin as I had been when I was young, before I found

out why I was never able to lose the weight I had gained in high school.  

From the distance I could see the form of his body. Although I could not see from far his distinctive walk gave it away. As if he was able to conquer the world, just as his name; conqueror. I waved at him and stood my trembling body almost failed me.

“Hello” I said in my calm voice.  The same voice that hid my racing heart beats.

“Hello. Let’s get some chocolate” “Let’s” I didn’t tell him that the last time I had chocolate was the last time we had spoken.

The place he had chosen was not my favorite place to be. I guess once you start getting older somethings just get you tired.

“You know what let’s go somewhere you really like”

“What do you mean I really like?”

“I know this isn’t your thing”

As if he had read my mind

“I just need a break from the cold”

“Then, I’ll order an uber and we can have something hot here”

“Okay”

If it were day you could see the lights of the sun reflect on his honey eyes. Those eyes were the hue of every tree in the forest from the early light to the sunset, made all the richer by the golden light.  Maybe I was the only one who saw his pain, sadness and frustration hidden in those eyes.  Years ago, when I had yet to discover this gift I got lost in his sadness I wish I could say that I brought him happiness, but I didn’t.  

Too naïve to notice

And to innocent to understand.

 Here we are 5 years later as if time could cure the past. But It can hide it or make feelings disappear.

None less I wasn’t the type of person who would forget broken people. I made it my personal mission to heal broken hearts.  Having grown in my own world I was never like anyone else that surrounded me. I later found out that I was an Introverted with only a 1% chance of finding someone like me. I took the personality test around 15 times before I turned 20 and all gave me the same result. I was an odd specimen.

Him.

The first time I saw her she was dancing in the rain. Cliché. I know. She rode a 1950s bike everyone she went. Always dancing, Always happy. She carried a special trait no one had. She was innocent and pure. She was as clear as water. She was kind and you could always see the truth in her eyes. so, I thought. Her eyes those dark eyes that with one look could penetrate the depths of your soul. It was those beautiful eyes and the purity of her heart that drew me to her.

Not long ago I had told her how I felt, I told her that how she made my cloudy days disappear. She was a ray of sunshine every she went. Although she didn’t know that. She was unaware of her surroundings, she was unaware of the effect she had on people. She was unaware of her beauty.

I left because of her.

I left because I couldn’t dwell to not see her with me. I left because she had found another.

 I had mistaken the glimmer in her eyes for love for me. I had mistaken her overall joy to my presence. I had been misled by those who knew her, and surrounded me.  I sought to satisfy my rejection with other company.

Other women.

But they weren’t her.  They didn’t carry her scent. Her sweet and delicate unforgettable perfume.  

They weren’t her. They didn’t dance in a way that would make the world disappear.  I always longed for more.

Her.

Not too long ago I was misled. I listened to many voices, too many opinions. I heard all except for the voice of my heart. They told me I didn’t love or that I did. I was confused never been in love you see, I didn’t know what to feel. Other than the fact that I longed for him, I was confused. I didn’t see him in my dreams or picture my life with him, but I didn’t picture it without him. I didn’t always want to dance with him, but I didn’t want to dance with anyone else.  After he had left and I refused to listen to any other voice but my own, my heart told me what I didn’t suspect. I wanted to be with Him.

           It wasn’t like my heart had been struck by cupid and I had been head-over-heels for him. It gradually grew slowly and steady.

I was sure.

Now that I was certain, I accepted to see him one last time before he left back to his Army station.

He opened the door and I felt the warm air hit my face. If I go in I know that all would change I would probably agree to everything. I would agree to the sunsets on the beach, to the bike rides in the park. To the dancing and the laughing.

I looked at his hand on the handle and placed mine on top and looked at his eyes. He looked confused. I smiled “I’m going to freeze” I said still looking into his captivating eyes. He turned his eyes away and we both released the door handle as he said:

“I have pancreatic cancer”