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Day 1

It's been a week since the accident. Dr.Lou told me to keep a journal, so here it goes. Today I did nothing. I ate a bag of salt and vinigor potato chips, and watched All Dogs Go to Heaven. I try my best not to think about that night. EVER.

Day 5

I lied. I think about it all the time. The screams, the gun shots. It's never too far from my mind. Sometimes when a neighbor comes over at night, I hide. I know I'm supposed to be sleeping, but sleep doesn't come, not without the nightmares.

Day 7

Dr.Lou said my journal isn't descriptive enough. I didn’t realize that this was a college essay. She said," Mandy, I want to here about your feelings. I want to know exactly what happened that night, so I can help you."

Trust me Doc. You don't want to know. If I told you, you'd want to pull away from the world, just like I have. You'd want to pull away from me.

Day 14

I went to town today. It was my first time back in civilization since the accident.

It was terrible. Mom took me shopping, and I bought this awful dress just to get her off my back. She was so happy and chipper. Shopping use to be one of my favorite things to do, but now it just seems pointless.

Mom expects me to wear the dress to school when I start back. I don't know how to tell her I don't think I'll ever be ready to go. To see other kids living normal,fearless lives, is like a smack in the face to me. Why doesn't anyone else share my pain? I just want someone to understand.

On my way out of the mall, a man in black walked by us, carring a gun. My world tilted off it's axis as I started at it. Thoughts of that night flooded my mind.

"Shut up, or I'll kill you too Mandy. Don't make me do that, sweetheart. We had a connection. Don't you think?" he towered over me, his steely blue eyes piercing me, but I was watching his gun.

Slowly, he reached forward and wiped the blood off my face with the hem of his shirt, shushing me. "It'll be alright, darling. It'll be fine." I shook as he ran his hands over my face, clearing it of the blood he'd spilled.

Sirens sounded, and he jerked back, his wet hair spraying me.

"Drop the gun!"

Shots rang out, and his body fell. His head landed in my lap and I screamed, staring into the cold lifeless eyes. They looked so angry, like he knew he'd land here, and he knew I was the one who called the police.

When I woke up, the officer was kneeling over me, his badge glaring in my face like a emblem. How could I have been so stupid?

It was the first time I admitted to myself that there was a problem. I'll never forget the shocked look on mom's face as she kneeled over me. I think that hurt the most.

Day 16

I went to see Dr.Lou today. Her white hair and nearly smooth face are always a shock to me. She smiles in a sweet grandmotherly way. It's soothing, but what I have to tell her isn't.

We talk about my black out at the mall. Doc tells me I screamed until I didn't have any breath left in me. I don't remember that, all I remember was the gun. It's metallic sheen blinding me as I stared at it. He'd had a gun, a black gun, just like the one the officer wore. I told Dr.Lou that. She seemed pleased to here it, like she was happy to know.

I wasn't.

I wish I could just forget the whole thing. I hear some people do that. Block out their memories of trama, and go on living life. My life is over.

Day 20

I met someone today. Her name is Clara, she was there that night too. She said she use to have long red hair, but he cut it off and burned it. I remember the fire, and the smell of burning hair. I told her that.

Her hair is short now, almost like a guys haircut, but Clara's curls are still pretty. I told her I have nightmares, and she said she has them too. I'm glad I'm not the only one who's broken. Clara gives me hope that maybe, some day, I can be normal again. And maybe, I can tell Dr.Lou what happened.

Day 30

Its Saturday, my Dr.Lou day. I thank her for introducing me to Clara. She's my best friend now. We've told each other exactly what happened that night. It felt good to get it out, almost like my body was holding in this monster, and I finally let it go. The thing about it was Clara slayed the monster with her story. I hope mine did the same for her. After it was over we both ended up on the floor crying.

Dr.Lou said that was really great. It makes me smile knowing I've made progress.

Day 45

It rained today, all day long.

It rained that night too.

I remember him standing over us, with the gun to our heads, water washing over him.

It was cold, so cold. I was shacking in my black jeans and T-shirt as the torrent soaked me.

He lined us up in a row, one infront of another. Saying something about lesser life forms to greater.

It was dark, like we were kneeling in a abyss. The only light came from his flashlight as he looked each of us girls over. The girl infront of me displeased him because she was a brunette.

The rain pelted my blonde head. His black gun cocked, and aimed. A shot exploded infront of me. Screams rung out. Blood splattered on my face and shirt, and the brunette infront of me fell.

Thunder rolled outside, and I peered threw the hazy window. Had I been dreaming, or had visions of that night crept into my waking thoughts? Was he ever going to stop haunting me?

Day 60

I told Dr.Lou everything. It didn't feel as good as telling Clara, but it helped. Clara and I are going to go watch a movie tonight. This time, I'm not talking to any strangers. No matter how good looking they are.