Claudia Claw Clip

I was in 7th grade, trying to comb through my tangled mess of hair, when I stumbled across a claw clip hidden in the back of a bathroom drawer. It was made of white, opalescent plastic, and the tabs you squeeze together to open it were formed into butterfly wings. It looked like something that came from the Claire’s store in the mall, but for the life of me I could not remember where it was from or how it had gotten into my cluttered collection of hair accessories. My hair was not only tangled, but quite greasy. Rushing to get ready for school, I spun my hair into a knot at the back of my head and secured it with the claw clip.

That night, as my dad silently got drunk and my mom and sister started up their daily screaming match, I hid in my room. It was safe there. With the door closed, I could drown out the yelling and pretend my family could cope with their problems in healthy ways instead of making my home feel scary. I took the claw clip out of my hair and flopped down onto my bed, wondering when it’d be safe enough for me to leave my bedroom for a drink of water.

“How was school today?” a small voice asked.

I abruptly sat up on my bed, wondering who had invaded my sanctuary. I did not recognize the voice. A chill ran down my spine. Danger. There was always danger in this place.

“Down here,” the voice said again. I looked at the claw clip still clutched in my palm. Its hinge opened and closed like a jaw, the long plastic teeth shimmering in the light from my bedside lamp. “Name’s Claudia,” the claw clip said to me. Her voice was distinctly feminine, with a thick New York accent.

I panicked and threw the clip across the room. Had I not been so good and well-behaved, I might have uttered a curse word.

“Woah there, kiddo,” Claudia said as she tumbled across the cream-colored carpet and landed at the foot of my dresser. “I don’t mean you no harm. Just wanted to know how your day was.”

“How are you talking?” I whispered, not wanting anyone downstairs to hear me make a sound for fear the yelling would find its way to me.

“I dunno, some kinda magic maybe?” Claudia replied. “Come pick me up so I can look at you properly while we chat.”

I obliged and retrieved the claw clip from the floor. I held her in my two palms delicately, briefly glancing around and wondering if any other items in my possession were watching me and might come alive at any moment. For as crazy as it was, Claudia didn’t seem evil, so I hesitantly invited a conversation with her.

“How was school?” she asked again.

“Good,” I mumbled.

“What’dya learn?”

“In science class we started growing some seeds in pots near the windows. We’re going to study how long it takes them to germinate,” I replied, proud I remembered the long sciencey word I learned in class that day.

“What kinds of seeds did you plant?” Claudia asked.

As I told her about the different vegetable seeds we planted, I noticed the sheen of grease from my hair that coated Claudia’s teeth. A pang of guilt hit me that I’d made her hold my nasty bun all day.

“I’m sorry,” I blurted out, cutting my own story off. “My hair, it’s so gross.”

“Oh don’t worry about it,” Claudia said. “I’ve seen worse.”

I combed my fingers through the hair that fell past my shoulders. I couldn’t even remember the last time I washed it. Self-care was not exactly encouraged in my family. I found a mat forming in the hair at the back of my head. Forget washing it, when was the last time I brushed it?

“I… I’m so sorry,” I apologized again, my cheeks reddening with embarrassment.

“Honey,” she said softly, “you’re doing your best. It’s okay that these things are hard.” A silent tear rolled down my cheek, followed by another. “Do you want to go take a shower?”

I heard a door slam as my mom disappeared into her bedroom. My sister banged on the outside of it, screaming. “No,” I whispered. “Not right now.” I’d have to cross paths with them in order to make it to the bathroom. Not worth possibly getting dragged into their fight. “Maybe tomorrow morning though,” I suggested. I could wake up early enough before school for a shower. My sister always lingered extra long in bed. If I could make it into the bathroom before she got up, that might work.

The next morning, as I said I would, I slipped into the shower. I brought Claudia with me into the bathroom and cleaned her off in the sink, trying to atone for yesterday’s grease. After I washed my hair, I combed it out, taking extra care to pick apart the mat that was forming.

“Can you, er, do you mind?” I asked Claudia, wondering if she’d be willing to accompany me to school in my hair again.

“What’dya think I was made for?” Claudia said with a laugh. “Holding hair is what I do!”

So I clipped my wet hair back into a bun again, but this time my hair was clean and tangle free. It felt good. I felt good.

That night Claudia and I had a long chat about school, not only the things I was learning, but also about my friends, the hot gossip from lunch, and all things a thirteen year old might want to talk about. We huddled under the blankets in my bed like girls at a sleepover, talking about crushes and note passing. She took such a genuine interest in me and my life. She was curious, open, and supportive.

We continued like this for several days, hiding together from the verbal violence plaguing my home each night. Eventually she asked me how I really felt about my family.

“I just wish they’d stop yelling so much,” I mumbled. “If I don’t hide in here, they’ll yell at me too.”

“People who love you shouldn’t want you to feel frightened or have to hide,” Claudia said gently. “Your family loves you, of course, but do not mistake how they are acting for what is normal. This is not normal.”

That was such a revolutionary thing for me to hear. Wasn’t there yelling and screaming in everyone’s homes? Didn’t everyone have to hide in their bedrooms to avoid this sort of thing? Wasn’t everyone a little terrified of their family members?

“You are kind, generous, and thoughtful, Kylie,” Claudia said. “And you deserve better from the people who claim to love you.”

At the time, it was not possible for my brain to comprehend this kind of message. I was still dependent on my parents for everything, as 7th graders generally are. Like all children from troubled families, it was safer to blame myself than to believe my caregivers were doing a less than perfect job. It wasn’t just fear of leaving my bedroom at night that led to my hygiene deficit. I had profoundly low self-worth and on an unconscious level did not believe myself to be worthy of taking care of my own body. These insights, of course, wouldn’t come until many years later. But Claudia planted a seed that I was special, worth loving, and deserved better than what my family was able to provide.

My friendship with Claudia continued. She accompanied me to school every day, and we had long conversations each night. She attuned to me, validated my emotions, and gave me a safe space to vent and express myself fully without judgement. How was it that a plastic claw clip from Claire's was doing a better job parenting me than my own parents who were too wrapped up in their own unaddressed mental illness to properly raise their children?

As my mom got better and better at evading the vitriol from my sister, my only sibling’s attention eventually turned to me. Years had passed and I was getting ready for my high school graduation, an event my parents had very begrudgingly, and with much complaining, agreed to attend.

“Are you going to wear that stupid hair clip to graduation?” my sister sneered, leaning on the doorframe to the bathroom. “Aren’t you too old for that? It’s for little kids. You look so dumb.”

I remained silent, pulling my clean hair into a bundle at the back of my neck and securing it with Claudia. I knew no one was going to save me from my sister’s bullying. My mother had instructed me to silently take her tormenting or it would only get worse. Such a bullshit solution. Three more months and I’m out of this hell hole, I thought to myself.

“You better wear some makeup to cover that pizza face,” my sister said, pointing at the acne on my cheeks. “No one will want to be friends with you with skin like that. You’re so ugly.”

I could hear Claudia’s voice in my head, reminding me that the way I was being treated was cruel, and my parents’ unwillingness to stop it was neglect. Had the faithful claw clip not shown up when she did, I would have just agreed with my sister’s assertions and allowed myself to believe I was dumb and ugly. I would have arrived at graduation with messy, unwashed hair. And most importantly, I would have gone off to college believing that love looks like screaming, yelling, insults, and feeling unsafe and unprotected. I knew my worth and I wasn’t about to let the toxic people in my family define my life moving forward.

Then, unexpectedly, Claudia leaped off of my head and flew across the bathroom and clamped down on my sister’s nose. The sentient hair clip never moved or spoke for anyone but me. But perhaps she’d truly had enough. My sister shrieked as the spring-loaded hinge made the teeth dig into her cartilage. She smacked Claudia off of her face and batted her to the ground. As I bent down to retrieve my faithful friend, my sister stomped her boot hard on the little plastic hair accessory, shattering Claudia into pieces.

“What the fuck?” my sister said, holding her hand to her nose as it began to bleed.

Claudia knew what she was doing. She knew this would be her end. And as sad as I was that she was gone, I knew it meant that I was ready. She knew I didn’t need her any more. My inner voice was strong. It sounded like her. I was not only graduating from high school, but graduating from this pathetic excuse for a family as well.

My sister stalked off to fix her face, and I collected the pieces of my friend off the floor. Her jaw had been broken, her teeth jagged and missing. Even though Claudia claw clip was gone, I knew exactly what she would say.

“You are kind, generous, and thoughtful, Kylie. And you deserve better from the people who claim to love you.”