The List

Dear Diary,

I went to my therapist today. She said I should keep a journal. For my 'problems'. I told her I already had one. She was surprised. She didn't know I could show organization skills. I am actually very organized. Others used to call me maticulate even.

Her 'task' for me. Is to right down 200 things/thoughts about me.

-Owner.

Dear Diary,

Here are 5 facts about me:

1. . Light is bright, pure, and is everything I'm not. I don't mind it. but I don't like it either. I prefer the dark.
2. I'm a hoarder. I like keeping special trophies and hand held devices. (most of them are things I have from other people. Stolen or given).
3. I'm smart. I can remember and learn things faster than anyone else I know.
4. I know that if I let my guard down, the real me will start showing. I have to keep up appearances. At least for now. People always tell me to be normal.
5. Fear is amazing. I don't know what its like. But other people do. That's the amazing part.

-Owner.

Dear Diary,

7 I'm wonder how many things I can write in you before I can't write in you anymore.

8. I wonder how my therapist will feel. Happy, proud, indiffrent?

I think she will think I've made progress. In our last session she said that, journaling may bring out sides of me I haven't seen before. I have two that I know of. The one other people know and the one that I keep hidden. I let her out once. It didn't end well for my parents. What happened to them is why I'm in Therapy.

9. Once she sees that I've done what she asked I'll have her do something for me.

-Owner.

Dear Diary,

I was at the mall today. Me and my friends wanted to do something after studying all week for exams. Eventually I was the only one left. I didn't want any of them to come back in all honesty. I should feel lonely but I don't I can think everything I want to when they're gone. If they are here and I start thinking my real thoughts. It would be bad.

I tried staying after hours. But they didn't let me. I had some interesting thoughts.

` 10 It will be completely dark when they shut the power off.

11. So if someone would be here... they couldn't see me.

` 12. More and more customers are leaving. I wonder how many of them `have scars. How many are hurting and I can't see it. I want to see it.

Workers approach me.

13. They want me to leave. If I don't: How will they make me `` ` leave.

14. Would they use force against me?

I smiled thinking about the last thought. It genuinly piqued my interest. I wanted to see what they would do, so I didn't move. Two of the three didn't try anything. One did.

No one else was here. I let the real me show. He started yelling.

15. I Hate yelling.

I made him stop.

16. He stopped yelling.

-Owner.

Dear Diary,

I watched five horror movies with Clara today.

17. Horror movies are boring until the antagonist starts doing things.

18. I prefer the movies that ended badly over the ones that don't.

19. I relate to the antagonists more than I should. I like the way they so things to the other characters. It's so inspiring.

20. Why are there so many jump scares? They do nothing for me. Clara jumped at every one. Every time she did I felt my back tingle. It was exciting... sort of.

21. After the movies: When me and Clara were talking about the movies. She looked at me with fear. I'm not complaining, but why would she be scared? I didn't understand that about her.

22. I tried showing Clara what I meant. I wanted to make her feel what I wanted the characters to feel.

She said to, "Just do it." So I did. She ran out of my house clutching where I touched her. She didn't like what I wanted her to feel. I did.

23. That was fun.

-Owner.

Dear Diary,

I met with my therapist today. She read my journal.

24. She gave me the same look Clara did.

25. I wondered if I could do what I did to Clara to my therapist.

26. I can

I planned out how many people I was going to test it out on. I start in two weeks. I have to keep up appearances until then. I have to hide her again. Just for a little.

-Owner

Dear Diary

27. I'm not normal to other people.

28. Normal is overrated.

-Owner.

Dear Diary,

I tested it out again. With this girl I babysat in the afternoon. We were making ramen. Oops. I watched her drop it. I watched the splatters and the silent scream. I waited a bit to put her under cold water. I'm not babysitting for them again. Such a shame.

29. The reaction people have when things like that happen makes me feel high.

-Owner.

Dear Diary,

30. I want more of that feeling. I need more.

31. How many people can I do that to before I can't anymore?

-Owner.

Dear Diary,

I texted one person I call "Friend". He was the annoying and charismatic type. He always seemed to annoy me. I asked them to meet me in a closed off location. I said I was hosting a party. When they asked me what kind I said, "Surprise Party". They showed up alone and confused.

32. As soon as he showed up I felt that tingle again.

He starting making pointless comments. He was trying to convince me to come back to his house. He was getting close to me. Too close. I stared at him telling him not to touch me. He didn't stop... so why should I stop what I want to do? I'm never stopping again.

33. I let my anger fill my body. I let it take control.

I smiled so much today.

34. I won't have to deal with him anymore.

-Owner.

Dear Diary.

I saw Clara. Its been a whole semester. She doesn't like to be around me. She dropped out of every class she had with me. Not this time though.

She only wears long sleeved shirts now. One day someone pulled up her sleeve. Clara slapped their hands away but not before I saw. I was proud of what I had done.

`` 35. I kept the stains Clara left the last time she came over.

36. I gave Clara a permanant reminder of me.

37. How many reminders can I give her?

-Owner

Dear Diary,

` 38. I invited Clara over.

She left me on read. I called her from my spare phone. She picked up. I smiled at her voice. I quickly made up a lie.

39. I pretended to need help. I acted hurt and said I needed her. I said that I needed her... or something bad would happen to me.

It wasn't a total lie. If she didn't come I'd be angry.

40. I threw a glass on the table. I picked up a big piece and cut my palm.

41. I thought it'd hurt.

42. It didn't.

43. I liked it.

As the blood ran down my arm I laughed. It was funny how on someone else they'd cry. Yet I liked it. In fact I might do this again for fun.

I googled why I liked it. I didn't need to know but I was bored. Clara was taking a while.

44. I'm a masochist and a sadist. Possibly something else as well.

Twenty minutes later there was a knock on my door.

48. The door was already open for her.

She stepped inside and yelled out my name.

49. I thought about what I should feel at that moment. Happiness, anger, irritation?

50. I felt happy. Clara came here for me.

51. Clara was not happy.

52. She started to make me angry.

She wanted me to do this to her. She needed this to be done to her.

If I wasn't supposed to do this then I wouldn't have been made this way.

53. I have to find a new plaything. Clara isn't working now.

-Owner.

Dear Diary,

I quit therapy. It hasn't done much for me anyway. I had fun with my therapist for a while but she's no longer of use to me. She's desensitized to me.

54. My therapist is claustrophobic and has algiophobia. I never played with something with phobias.

55. Her pain tolerance is very high. That makes it even more fun.

56. She lasted a month. I didn't play with anyone else during that month.

55. I realized that people are just like toys. They will be of no more use once they break or when I get bored.

-Owner.

Dear Diary,

Its been three months since I started writing. I filled up all of your pages. This is the last one. I will share three more things before starting another one.

56. You're the only thing I've never lied to.

57. I will get to two hundred.

58. I am a sadists, a masochist, and a so-