I Eat Dum Pi

“Blouba fulu roy som toy fom fom,” the U.S. leader said with great passion and conviction as he spoke through every top news station.

“Jale freyman sale hombro! Meztra fracze patzel frazeh!”

This was President Eggoe X. Shrub’s first speech—his inauguration speech—since he was reelected into the greatest leadership position of a great nation for his second and final term, with the help of a trusted and true voting system. But that wasn’t the only first on this day—this was also the first time the president had ever conducted an entire speech…in a language entirely different than English.

The media had a field day.

And it wasn’t just that he conducted the nationally televised speech to a predominantly English-speaking country, on American soil…but that he even knew another language in the first place.

Later that day, the newspaper, magazine, and TV headlines said it all:

PRESIDENT SHRUB SHOCKS NATION WITH BILINGUAL ABILITY

SHRUB KNOWS ANOTHER LANGUAGE: WHO’DA THUNK?

SHRUB’S HELD OUT ON NATION, KNOWS MORE THAN ENGLISH!

All across the country, people of hundreds of different nationalities, with native tongues from a wide spectrum of places around the world, gathered around their television sets, baffled. Excerpts of the infamous speech constantly replaced on any channel that suggested even a hint of news. Even Animal Planet aired it a few times.

As the news story branched out to the rest of the globe, the American citizens became no exception to the massive jaw drop. Many people had underestimated and even trivialized the leader’s intelligence, but they now found themselves humbled in realizing he must possess some type of mental versatility to have been able to master a tongue completely different than the one he was born with.

Although this other language he spoke seemed largely unrecognizable, the American citizens and press were so proud of their great leader that they didn’t much care. They were just so darn fascinated! And amazed.

The day after the inauguration, as many Americans settled in front of their TVs after a long day at work and school, “BREAKING NEWS” flashed across their screens.

“We interrupt this program to bring you a breaking news special,” said the news broadcasters in different variations, “As we join President Eggoe X. Shrub in Washington for his address about an ongoing, highly controversial war begun two years ago today.”

The announcer’s voice lowered: “Okay, here he is. Let’s listen.”

           The great leader, President Shrub, approached the same White House press room podium he had spoke from many times over the years before, and he cleared his throat. He greeted the press and the rest of the world with a wave and a grin, and then his face tightened into a more serious expression as he began his address:

           “Ukoy florostanondi yaze kater lame reolis. Pesmini ioala vstle mqratz. Decque! DECQUE!! Yamboc blutr pome pome, yimello.  Xatehare pote rasheh heima fortache.”

           As he spoke, news reporters stared blankly, as neither of them had so much as a clue as to what he was saying.

President Shrub’s message went on for two more hours, but ten minutes into it, the networks resumed their regular broadcasting.

           The American media suddenly realized one major flaw in their not taking more seriously and looking deeper into President Shrub’s words in his inauguration speech the day before–they found themselves with nothing to deliver to the public during their news hours or to openly debate about on their shows that heavily revolved around political banter.

           This was a problem. A big problem.

Once it was established that he indeed was speaking another language besides the American mainstream usual, it next was established that the language definitely wasn’t Spanish, the second most commonly spoken of the country.

Nor was it Italian, or French, or German, or Chinese, or Japanese.

It wasn’t even Korean, Arabic, or Russian!

At this point, everyone around the world looked towards his or her neighbor for answers: “This isn’t my language that he speaks, is it yours?” they would often openly ask.

But there would be no affirmative answer. It seemed no one had a clue what President Shrub had proudly uttered for an hour-and-a-half that first day or for the two hours the day after.

Even linguists were perplexed.

           As a result of the confusion, instead of announcing where President Shrub was going next with the big war the country was involved in, or if he had possibly even announced another war with another country he felt was a threat to American peace—because no one literally could understand him—the headlines screamed:

SHRUB SPEAKS MYSTERY LANGUAGE

THE NATION TO SHRUB: ‘WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU SAYING???’

SPEECH EXPERTS SAY SHRUB LANGUAGE MAY BE A RARE AFRICAN IDIOM

    In the meantime, the media tried to contact the White House press secretary and other representatives of the administration, but no phone calls or e-mails were answered or returned.

           The following day, the dramatic “breaking news” music cued as popular primetime programs were disrupted yet again.

“We interrupt this program to bring you a breaking news report,” the announcers all said again across the airwaves. “We again join President Eggoe X. Shrub at the White House as he addresses the nation about hard issues such as the economy, healthcare, education, taxes, border control…and other major issues that greatly concern the country.”

President Shrub approached the podium. He grinned and waved to the cameras, cleared his throat, tightened his face, and began.

American newscasters and viewers were immediately disappointed as soon as he spoke the unfamiliar foreign language no one seemed to know once again.

Following this third broadcast, Americans were outraged.

They filled the streets, protested, wrote letters to congress, and even called and e-mailed their local news stations to make their voices heard. The outcry of confusion was endless and overwhelming. The American public wanted—they demanded—answers!

At this point, so did the rest of the world, including world leaders who were left a mixture of perplexed, frustrated, and relieved. Since none of them could understand him either, they were essentially left to their own devices, which was great for some, not-so-great for others.

And some of them, as well as many citizens around the world, couldn’t help but mostly secretly—sometimes openly—chuckle and snicker at what was going on inside the walls of this major superpower—the land of the free.

The widespread complaints continued and even escalated as weeks went on and President Shrub continued speaking in this unidentified foreign tongue. Also during this time, the news continued to lack regular updates of any important goings-on of the White House and America as a whole, domestically and internationally.

During this time, the administration’s major faces of leadership—the vice president, chief of staff, secretary of state, secretary of defense, and so forth—were often stopped as they attended events or traveled anywhere around the globe and drowned in questions.

“What language is President Shrub speaking? Do you know?”

“Do you understand the language?”

“Why hasn’t he returned to speaking English, or why hasn’t the administration at least provided a translator, so the American public can understand him?”

But the various administration figures’ responses remained the same: “No comment.”

Even the press secretary eventually suspended her press conferences, since her inability to relay much else besides “No comment” caused even the press to slowly dwindle away to a nearly empty room.

Finally, two months after that historical inauguration speech for his second presidential term and after much protest and uproar by his country’s people, it was announced through a White House press release that President Shrub would finally address the language issue, in English, in just one week.

When the day came, normal daily syndicated broadcasting was pushed to the side for two full hours for what the country had been long anticipating.

In the days leading up, both longtime public critics and supporters of the Shrub Administration, as well as major political commentators, conversed and debated about what had come to be known as “Languagegate."

Some expressed tremendous anger, frustration, and disproval.

Others continued to support and even justify the president’s decisions and actions.

But all looked forward to this great speech which would hopefully clear up any further confusion about what exactly President Shrub had been saying to the nation for the previous 60 days of his second term.

The special began.

This time, there was no special introduction by newscasters. They had nothing left to say. Everyone knew the purpose of this speech—the only purpose—and all ears across the nation and the globe were interested in nothing else.

Also this time, although he would speak in English, he would forgo anything pre-written, having it instead as an open forum where the press could ask whatever they’d like. And he would, in turn, answer.

He approached the infamous podium he’d been doing so regularly through those months, as many everywhere silently prayed they would actually understand what came through his mouth this time.

After his signature single throat clearing, he greeted the packed room with his hand, loosened his necktie a little, and then rested both hands on the podium surface, waiting for the first question.

The room was mute. As great as the American media had always been about getting right to the point, there was just so much to ask in this moment.

No one knew were to begin.

One reporter finally broke the silence with one simple question.

“So, Mr. President, can you tell the American people a little bit about this language you suddenly began speaking two months ago and have continued to until now?” he asked.

“Well,” the president began. “….What exactly would you like to know?”

The reporters looked at each other, confused and wondering why he wouldn’t already know what they were asking—what everyone was asking—and why he couldn’t just provide the answers.

Taking quick notice of the room’s confusion and growing impatience, the president became quite confused as well, as shown on his face.

“Uhh, I’m not sure I understand what exactly you’re asking me, Chris,” he said.

“Umm… Where does that language come from, sir?” asked the same reporter.

“Well…” President Shrub hesitated, still a little confused.

“From what part of the world does it originate?” asked another reporter.

“Umm, well, see---”

“How long have you been studying the language?” the reporters continued over each other. "Who else speaks it?”

“Oh. No one,” the president quickly and eagerly answered, finally understanding one of the questions asked.

“No one?” a female reporter repeated, mirroring the same wonder as everyone else in the room.

“Yes, that is correct,” he proudly repeated. “No one.”

“That is, no one in this country, right, sir?” a young reporter chimed in.

“No,” said the president. “No one, period.”

“No one around the world?” the young reporter followed up.

 “No one,” the president repeated.

“Umm, what about your fellow colleagues? Fellow members of your administration? Surely they speak it,” said another reporter.

“No, sir,” he said, now the one with growing impatience. “They do not. No one does!”

Naturally, the room was overcome with even more mayhem and confusion. 

Finally, the most obvious question was presented to the great leader.

“Umm, sir,” said the same female reporter from before. “What language have you been speaking to the nation and the world these past two months?”

“‘What language?’” he repeated.

“Yes, sir. What language.”

His eyebrow raised again in his own returned confusion, as he wondered why everyone seemed to be so baffled and fascinated by this issue when there were clearly so many other, much more important issues the press and American people should be concerned about.

“Well,” he said hesitantly, still unsure if what he was about to say was what they wanted to know. “It’s my language.”

“…..Your language, sir?” she said. 

“Yes, my language,” he repeated, this time with more pride and a confident grin that quickly flew into his lips. “I made it up.”