The Discovery of Lilith

Zaida

I will never forget the day I found my daughter, Lilith. 

I had finished updating the books from the day before in the general manager, Tom Zele’s office. 

A major blizzard had been predicted for that day so almost everything was closed. The shelves were somewhat empty from the usual pre-blizzard rush. 

The blizzard turned out to be a wet ten inches of snow. I had just finished updating the books when the electricity shut off. I had never known that it could get so cold and creepy in a grocery store! What if a homeless person snuck in for the night or something?!

I put in my brown leather jacket, black pseudo-leather gloves, my red-and-white snow hat and grabbed my leather purse. I took out my keys to make a run for it. The lower to got down the stairs, the more creeped out I became. 

I had a horrible feeling that someone else-and not with good intent-was in the store!

Lilith’s Birth Mother

All I want to do is die! 

I just had her in my boyfriend’s van and I can’t even stand to look at her. I don’t even know how she made it this far with all the drugs I’ve been taking since who-knows-when? 

I was high on dope when she popped out of me-my boyfriend and them kept shooting it in me the whole time I was in labor like the good boys they are. I can hardly walk but she’s made it this far and I don’t want her to die now. So I don’t dare leave her in this cold mess. None of them will leave her here for me, either. They say that I’m a bitch, I did this to myself and that I need to take care of this. Whatever, I’m not in a mood to argue. 

Since this will hopefully be my last day alive, all I want to do is get high, high, high. At least I’ll die in blissful peace.

She starts to scream again and I almost drop her. This place looks like a grocery store. The lights go out no one’s here. Good. Then I hear what I think are footsteps coming down a flight of stairs! Shit!

I quickly put her down, turn around and somehow run back to, my boyfriend the good boys and the van...

Zaida 

I heard what sounded like a screaming baby and quick footsteps head out the back alleyway. I could swear that I heard a car take off like a bat out of hell. 

All that was racing through my head was, how could anyone be that cruel?! Leaving a precious little life like that for dead! 

She was lying on the cold hard linoleum floor wrapped in nothing but a dirty-and I do mean, dirty-pink blanket. I never knew that babies could be that small! It looked like it hadn’t been washed for days. She‘d already peed all over it, too. 

So I ran to the cart lines and grabbed one. With her still screaming, I laid her down very gently-disgusting blanket and all-in the middle of the cart. I then rushed to the diaper and wipes isle-desperately hoping that there were some of both left. I lucked out with two Luvs bags and a box of Pampers wipes, thank God. 

Then I rushed her into the ladies’ room, quickly set up the changing table as best as I could, lifted her out of the cart, gently placed her on the table, unwrapped the disgusting blanket-that, of course was when I discovered that Lilith is a girl. I quickly grabbed a wipe and wiped her down all over getting her backside as best as I could. Her screams got even sharper when I did and she peed again. Ugh! Babies have the tiniestbladders! 

With the blanket’s stink getting riper, I was finally able to get a Luvs on her. With her still screaming I lifted her up over my shoulder and quickly threw the nasty blanket away.

I needed to rush her to a hospital right then! All I remember about my run to my 2005 black Honda Accord is that the snow was coming down very heavily and she seemed to be-seizing?!- in my coat. But she was asleep by the time we got to the car. Thank God! I didn’t have a car seat quite yet so I buckled her in lying down on the front seat as quickly as I could.

I don’t remember much about the drive to the Stanford Tracy except that she was-thankfully-asleep the whole way. I pulled up to the ER and explained the situation to the ER doctors, already in tears. 

“Ma’am, you’re a hero today, you saved her life.” The doctor said to me. I really wished that I could follow her in but they told me that I was in the ambulance’s spot, to park up front and wait. 

Waiting was an incredible agony! I was shaking and in tears the whole time. The other loved ones were doing their best to sit far away from me but I didn’t care. I was scared for Lilith, angry at whoever had dumped her,  I was even scared of what I’d just done. Mostly, I was scared that Lilith wasn’t going to make it. 

I ended up waiting for two hours but it felt like an eternity. 

Finally, Dr Filan, who had worked on Lilith, met me out in the lobby telling me that I really had saved her life. She’d actually been born just hours before, was definitely premature weighing only five pound and thirteen ounces (no wonder she was so small!), and had so much heroine in her system that it was a wonder that she wasn’t stillborn. Her mother had likely been high when she had her, too, as there was some fresh heroine in her system and Lilith was withdrawing right then! If she’d been left on the floor like she had been for another hour, she would probably have not made it.

As a result, they had started her on a course of methadone and comprehensive neonatal treatments. She was going to have to be in the hospital for three weeks. 

I sobbed and sobbed into my hands  and didn’t care who was staring at me. Dr. Filan asked me then if I’d like to take Lilith home. I already knew my answer.

I looked up at him in the eye and whispered, yes with a nod. Everyone in the room whooped and clapped, which made me cry even more.

Lilith ended up staying in the hospital for six weeks. That gave me time to set up a baby space for her in the living room as I was still living in a very small one-bedroom 

apartment at that time and never planned on having a child. My life had revolved mostly around work up until then. All but two of my brothers and sisters-I’m the youngest of seven-had at least one child so I never felt pressured to. Nor did my parents care if I did. 

My adoption of Lilith was official just three months later. I named her after my mother’s maiden name. That’s the only birth certificate she has as her birth mother apparently didn’t even have her in a hospital and couldn’t be located. It makes me very sad for Lilith and angry that any mother could view her child as a piece of trash. 

But I found Lilith and am more than happy to give her all the love that I can as long as we are both still living.

Lilith and I moved to a small two-bedroom house when she was 18 months old. Her epilepsy was so severe that no medicine could alleviate it. So she had surgery when she she was three. They said that it was risky but she’s recovered with no problem. I swear, she’s even tougher than I am!

She’s five now and about to start Kindergarten. She gets into fights with the other kids sometimes but nothing beyond typical kid stuff. She drives me crazy, too, at times but it’s just her being her stubborn self. I have never once wished that her birth mom-if she’s even still alive-would come back.

She knows the general details of her adoption story but doesn’t understand how unusual or profound it is yet. And I do worry how she’ll react once she does. But hopefully she’ll look back and know that I chose her, how much love I have for her and how much I care about her.

Right now, we’re enjoying an episode of her favorite show, Dora the Explorer with her on my life. These days, it’s moments like this that are lifesavers for me.