Restart

Loop One was very typical to say the least. It was something I had worked towards for years, experiencing minor events over and over again until I reached the ideal outcome. Being in possession of this device was a blessing, at least at the time. I had spent years developing the device, dying my grey streaks trying to retain any semblance of youth during my strenuous work experience. But at last, I had done it. I had created the solution to my lonely existence, and sought to create the version of my life I always dreamed. Instead of being an outcast in my teens, I was the talk of the town, a figure of desire instead of conceit. Instead of my college thesis being ridiculed for it's near implausible truth, I was considered top of my class and the smartest among the apes. Instead of being alone, disgusted with myself as I worked toward my goal, I became desired by all the men in my field of vision. Needless to say, the first loop was near perfection.

He was the ideal partner, or at least I believed. I had scoped out multiple prospects over the course of repeated years, and assumed the most charming of them all was the best decision. I fell hopelessly in love with him, after dating men with less than stellar taste and poor decision making, it felt natural to go with the one with the prettiest face. It felt right in a way, and how he treated me throughout our relationship almost never warranted a restart. As a result, we spent four years together, at least to his knowledge. His flaws were noticeable, but not to the degree I couldn't alter the past. Instead, I smoothed out the edges before they came, learning all I could in each retry before making a decision. When he didn't have a reservation at the right bistro, I reminded him hours before calling in. When he regurgitated his meal before kissing me, I prevented him from ordering something too greasy. When he had an issue with heights, I nudged him away from the inciting tragedy. Simple fixes, things that could ruin some vital moments in our relationship if went untreated. I was happy with our life together, out of all the people I had dated, he felt like the one I could see something with.

Yet, when proposed the first time, I felt hollow. We had walked to the ice rink in Rockefeller Plaza, and before even going on the ice before it closed, he knelt before me. Going on one knee in a public place, nothing remotely special about the occasion, it didn't seem or feel right. I didn't like the fact he wanted to make such a scene in front of strangers, whatever romantic air he felt was there clearly wasn't. I felt as if there was a vanity to it, or a misinterpretation of my desires. I felt as if it was blasphemous, this first loop being so embarrassing that I almost felt ashamed of my choice in partner. His chiseled cheeks, his plump lips, his soft laughter, all of the things I had fallen in love with felt pointless in the face of public judgement. I didn't accept this future, I simply hit restart.

***

Loop Two wasn't satisfying at all. Making more friends as a couple this time around, we had went to our neighboring friend's Christmas Party. Between the decorations that screamed "party store" and conversations revolving around people I had no interest in, I was tempted to start the loop over halfway in. But for the sake of my partner this time around, after simply asking to go there instead of skating, I stayed. The taste of egg nog is not my favorite, but it was certainly one he relished given his intake. I told him I was suffering from an acute headache and needed to wash up, to which he drunkenly kissed me and let me go free. It wasn't pleasant, and it's not something I'd want to experience again. Upon washing my face clean of stress and re-applying my mascara, I left the restroom to see our many friends circling my lover. Spilling his drink and kneeling once more, I felt the embarrassment wash over me like high tide. Between hiccups and slurred words, he almost said what he meant to say. And through that moment, I realized an issue with his typical alcohol intake, and traced my finger over the device again. I once again hit restart.

***

Loop Three was a painful experience. I had decided a reservation at one of the newer restaurants near our apartment was a better choice than the prior loops, despite not necessarily being hungry before. I planted the idea in his head two days in advance, attempting to have the proposal be cleaner than the prior ones. Despite his change in outfit and attitude, his obvious look of anticipation was not lost on me. It wasn't silent that dinner, if anything the sound of holiday songs hummed around us as I became bored with his awkward attempt at conversation. Every course we ordered, I could see the sweat on his brow grow more and more. I could tell his nerves were getting to him, feigning ignorance whenever suspicion of my knowledge of his proposal arose. Before long, he rose to speak with our waiter a table away, and I pretended not to notice for his sake. I grew more tired with the situation, and took out the device from my Hermes purse. Upon his return, dessert arrived with a slice of holiday-themed cake for each of us, something cute to remind us of Christmas. I watched him watch me eat, slowly chewing the under-baked cake and green dyed frosting until swallowing what was meant to be my engagement ring. Choking on sterling silver and three small diamonds, the waiter enacted the Heimlich maneuver as my boyfriend stared fearfully at me. Hacking on the symbol of love he tried to present in a less-than-creative way, I started to comprehend his general ignorance of health and safety. It's not totally his fault, but needless to say, it was time for a restart.

***

Loop Four was near perfect, an attempt at capturing my heart completely dashed by the flaws of my partner. Instead of trying for public displays of romance, I had altered the past just enough for him to become conscious of my distaste for such failed forms of affection. I grew to believe he understood, and our relationship became more strained than before as a result. I kept us together regardless, as one with power like mine would do, and it resulted in a novel display only seen in cheesy romance films. Days prior, I had noticed him secretly spending his money on the necessary tools for love, discovering it fairly easily knowing his personal information. Upon entering our apartment on Christmas Eve, snow piled up on the sidewalk outside the brownstone harboring our home, I had noticed the lights were off. What illuminated the room were lines of candles, multi-colored rose petals on the floor instead of purely red, and my love dressed as handsomely as he could. The effort was immaculate, and I nearly choked up from the display. It was all I wanted, all I needed from him from every possible loop. And as I said yes, and we embraced like the lovers we were, his clumsy nature finally kicked in. Stumbling into a fall, kicking over the candles and forcing me to the floor, a light grew in our living room. An uncomfortable heat rose as I picked myself up, my nose bleeding as the fire began to roar in our home. His frantic apology was sincere, but I grew tired of the mistakes. I grew tired of his constant disappointment in expressing his love to me, and all of his needless flaws when I purposefully found ways to avoid them. This isn't fair I thought to myself, questioning if this would continue with each try. Needless to say, before the fire enveloped us, I hit restart once more.

***

I told him no. He was confused, conflicted even. How could someone as beautiful as him be rejected in such a fashion? Without knowing anything about our actual relationship in each prior loop, he felt as heartbroken as he did with each previous failure. I wanted to say something about all of his minor issues I had noticed over the years, all the nitpicks I had about his vanity and tendency to make fatal mistakes, but I didn't have to. He didn't remember any of that, in fact our relationship ceased to exist entirely. I avoided the complication of his horrible proposal and selfish endeavors by indulging in my own, far more than I usually did. I chose the simplest option available to me, and gladly took it to avoid any further sorrow.

Still, spending Christmas Eve alone is not something I genuinely love. That's why I changed things again, and hopefully this loop will be the last one...maybe.