Strawberries and Cigarettes

September 29, 2018.

Dear, John Wesley.

How are you? It’s been a long time. Oh, not really I guess, since it’s just almost a year, but you know what, John? it feels like many decades for me.

John, something funny happened. I mean, something that for me was funny, happened. I was accompanying my friend at the mall for her birthday party preparation and there was a song played and it said,

Remember when we first met?

You said, “Light my cigarette.”

Do you remember, John? Three years ago in summer thirteen. The turning point of my life and everything I’ve built up collapsed. The love principles, the type of man I want to marry, My life purpose, everything. Literally everything.

It was the first month I’ve been working at Papa’s Johns Pizza as the waitress. You were our loyal customer with your girlfriend, Freya, ordering Brisk Sweet Tea Lemon with Cheerwine.

Don’t be surprised, John. To remember your order is not a big deal. If I may say honest, I even still remember the way you smiled at me, and the way you call me to order the order I knew before you said it.

Five seconds, John. I stood there writing your orders for five seconds, but there was a time you said different word than just, “Pepperoni, Brisk Sweet Tea Lemon and Cheerwine, please.” You also added, “Could you help me light my cigarette?”

Of course I could, John. I was so happy to be closer three more steps with you at that day.

John, I miss you.

* * *

September 29, 2018.

Dear, John Wesley.

I just finished my day. It’s so rare to write two letters for you in a day, isn’t it? Today was so exhausting, John. I helped Mia’s mother to cook a tart before the party started. It was exhausting but still fun no matter how exhausting it was.

Now I am on my bed, John, writing a diary letter for you after listening to the song I heard at the mall this afternoon. It's been on repeat for billion times, the song is titled “Strawberry and Cigarette”.

John, have you ever been affected this bad by a song that played at the mall?

It said,

You locked your keys in your car,

So you sat and stared at my lips,

And I could already feel your kiss.

Thought I could sleep by listening to that song, John, instead I was brought back to the day you asked me to accompany you to Venice. Do you remember that trip? It was Autumn twenty six, two thousand and seventeen. The first time we were together in a frame.

John, do you still remember how it happened?

You were so sad for your relationship was split by Freya, but I couldn’t tell how happy I was to be chosen for cheering you. You asked me to join you to Venice, wasn’t it too far? But I said yes without hesitation. Then, the car was run out of patrol and you decided to stop awhile since there was no gas station nearby. You shared me many story of yours before finally we went off the car and took a picture together.

You opened the door for me, after that. Asking me to just rest until the tow truck come, yet the door was locked together with the key inside. How fool you were, John! I laughed at your stupid and panic reaction, but your embarrassed face was still so handsome. You laughed back at me after that. We both laughed at each other, then I could already feel your lips.

John, what was that kiss?

* * *

June 5, 2019.

Remember when you taught me fate

Said it’d all be worth the wait

Like that night in the back of the cab

When your fingers walked in my hand

Dear, John Wesley.

John, do you know how it felt when you said, “Sorry, I’ll never do it again.”? It almost been a year passed after our first kiss in autumn two thousand and seventeen, but you put me in questions.

We kept being friend, even closer. I had no problem with that because to be with you was more than enough, but I could neither lie, John. I wanted an answer as well as certainty, yet what did I get instead?

You promised not to redo it again, but you did it. Was I sad? Nope. Of course I was not. For the first time in forever I thought I get what I want. You put your hand on me, and I couldn’t choose a word to describe how I love the way you use your hand, John.

Next day, nothin’ on my phone

But I can still smell you on my clothes

Always hoping things would change

But we went right back to your games

The next day came, and do you know the first thing I did, John? I smiled. I was so happy. I could remember your smell over my blanket and I could even feel your touch over my body, yet those happiness was faded after I found myself alone in the bed.

I turned on my phone, but there was nothing. I always hope at least one thing has changed, John, but the things I got only a new round of game.

John, I’m curious. Was I your main game? Or just another game you played when you got bored with all your CD stocks?

Guess I have to stop listening to this song.

* * *

July 10, 2020.

Long nights, daydreams

With that sugar and smoke rings

Strawberries and Cigarettes

Always taste like you

Dear, John Wesley.

Today, in two thousand and twenty. I listened to that song again, The song of Troye Sivan, Strawberry and Cigarettes, was played on the radio. John, don’t worry, I have moved on.

But may I ask, John? Where have you been? It’s been three years you disappeared. This taste way too sour, John, just like strawberries, but the memory you left was such an addiction, just like cigarettes.

John, was that night a farewell?