I will make it right again

Trigger warning: familial/child sexual abuse, suicide

“I will make it right again.” Trembling as she put down the pen, Hazel ended off the letter with a deep sigh. She folded the letter and carefully hide it within the pile of books in the shelf. A place so inconspicuous, nobody else would have thought of searching. She cannot risk having others especially Angie read it before she can go about her plan. Angie would be enraged if they found out. It will be a secret that only Carl would be aware of. She thought of leaving Carl out but it seemed too cruel to him. Carl was the only one who seemed to understand enough such that she actually felt supported and heard. The very least she could do for him was to let him understand from her point of view, even if she knew he would disagree.

The phone rang, slightly shocking Hazel out of her daze. “Hello Hazel dear, will you be at home tonight? I am getting your favorite baked fillet from the restaurant down the road. You know, the one which always has a never-ending queue. Shall we have dinner together tonight for Christmas?” It was Mum. Her cheerful tone so oblivious to all the conflicts Hazel was feeling underneath that stoic shell.

She paused a long while. Part of her wanted to just give up everything and pretend nothing went wrong, to just have the dinner like a normal being. But a small part of her was screaming for her to hang up the call now, the vehement voice mocking at her entertaining the thought of leading an ordinary life as if she deserves any of it. Yet another part was almost seething with rage as she heard the woman’s voice. How dare she pretend nothing was wrong on a day like this?

“I have something on tonight. You enjoy your dinner.” She replied coldly and immediately hung up, leaving no room for regrets, for useless second thoughts. “It’s all for the better, isn’t it?” She said out loud, afraid that if she wavered now, she would never ever find the courage to change her mind again.

Hazel stood up, taking one last look around the room. Was it nostalgia that was lingering heavily in her heart now? But was there really anything worth to be nostalgic about? The bears stowed away in the glass cabinet. Each one of them joined the family after crying protests from a young boisterous Hazel even if her mother had initially refused because there was just no space anymore. The exquisite doll house with the figurines having the widest smile one can only imagine, sitting peacefully around the table for a family dinner. The photo of Hazel beside her mum. Such an irony that the figurines seemed to be happier than any of the actual humans of this house. On the desk, there were many sticker books. Hazel loved collecting stickers, her prized books laid neatly, holding tightly the memories of being carefree. Those times when the only worries were not being able to find the limited edition Christmas stickers from her favorite cartoon.

Running her fingers through the pile of books, something glittering caught her eye. It was the most beautiful one among the pile. An intricate gem with hand-made embroidery lining the outside of the book. As if drawn by an invisible force, Hazel felt compelled to open it. As she flipped open the delicate book, something slipped through the slightly yellow stained pages and dropped on the floor.

Hazel froze as she recognized the sticker pack that dropped out. A sharp ringing struck her as tiny black dots formed in her vision. The throbbing began uncontrolledly, rising to a crescendo. It was that sticker pack from last time. That fateful day. A day so painful Hazel never wanted to remember again. A day she buried so deep in her subconscious that she forgot about it. A memory totally wiped out… until now…

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Hazel could not remember much from her childhood except her mum crying every day, burying herself in the sheets all day and all night. The days blended like an awful mixture of colors all contorted into one. On days she was finally awake, she would be out whole night, only returned drunk and wasted. On other days, she would spend days like a zombie, present in the house yet absent in Hazel’s life. One day, Uncle Roger appeared. He was soft spoken, yet he exuded a confident, charismatic vibe. Hazel loved having him around. It meant Mum would be smiling, sober. When he was around in the house, there was never a moment her breath reeked, her mind gone. Hazel did not remember what Dad looked like – Mum had destroyed every single photo and possession he had ever since he left the house. So, it felt like a godsent gift when Uncle Roger appeared as a fatherly figure in Hazel’s life. Until that day.

It was Christmas Eve. Hazel had been looking forward to Christmas earnestly. Uncle Roger had promised her to get her that limited edition Christmas stickers she had been eyeing for weeks. She bounced around the house in anticipation and when the door opened, she bolted towards it. Only Uncle Roger appeared.

“Where’s Mum?” She was surprised to see her Mum separate from Uncle Roger, but that did not bother her much. She only cared about the Christmas gift she would be getting. “She went to pick up the log cake we ordered.” Uncle Roger grinned as he playfully ruffled her hair. He bent down and looked intently at her. “You are the beautiful little girl in this world.” There was something different about his gaze that day. But all Hazel could think of was the cake and the stickers.

“Why is Mum taking so long?” Hazel bounced around the living room for the 10^th time. “Hey, my little princess, how about we go to the bedroom to have a loom at the stickers I got for you?” Uncle Roger whipped out her gift from his pocket.

Inside the room, Hazel could not remember much but she knew Uncle Roger was a different person from who was before. It felt strange at first, but she trusted him as she did everything he told. “Everything is ok…if you listen to me I will get you more stickers.” He reassured her as he took off her jacket, then one by one the buttons on her blouse. “Don’t be afraid, we are just playing a little game while waiting for Mum, ok?” He whispered as he slipped his hand steadily up her skirt.

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The ringing in Hazel’s ears grew louder and louder, sharper and sharper until she could not bear the pain anymore. Her legs gave way as everything she saw lost its color before blacking out altogether.

She opened her eyes. “Where am I?” Angie wondered as she slowly stood up. She noticed she was holding onto something. That sticker pack. Rage shot through her veins as she crushed that thing. It wasn’t enough to suppress that unstoppable outburst of anger. Her eyes glanced and saw the other sticker packs on the table. In a sudden movement, Angie swept everything off the table, reaching for them and ripping everything into shreds. That photo of Mum and her. She slammed the frame onto the floor, then picked up the photo and began to rip it apart. Unable to control all the overwhelming anger boiling inside her, Angie began to strike at everything in front of her, slamming the dollhouse and destroying all the figurines inside. Everything was falling apart as she continued banging things, leaving the room an utter mess. As the book shelf gave way under the violent force from Angie’s tennis racket, all the books started to collapse onto the floor. A beige colored envelope caught Angie’s eye.

Tearing open the sealed envelope, Angie smirked as she took out the letter.

Dear Carl,

I am sorry I cannot handle this anymore. It is too tiring, I cannot stand having my life interrupted by Angie and others. I don’t know when I will lose control of my time and be taken over by another. Even if I am in control, I don’t think there is a meaning to living anyway. You told me Dissociative Identify Disorder is not the end, if I try hard enough I will be cured of the pain. But I am so exhausted from trying already. Angie is too strong. I am afraid she will destroy my life if I live on. Please just let me go. I will make it right again.

Love, Hazel.

“My dear Hazel, do you really think you can carry out your plan without me knowing?” Angie could not believe the absurdity of the letter. Did Hazel truly believe she can destroy us all by killing herself? What a foolish thought. At the very least, she needs to get revenge first, isn’t it? The one whom she trusted. The one whom turned a blind eye to everything. Her mum who lived in denial even till now. “You must be mistaken. He is a nice man, he wouldn’t have done that to you.”. The one who tried to hide everything from others, forbidding Hazel from telling anyone else if not she will abandon her forever. The one who was supposed to protect her, but was the very reason why that horrible incident scarred her forever.

All of a sudden, she heard keys turning in the door. It must be Mum returning. “What a perfect timing.” Angie laughed as she finally got the opportunity she had been waiting so long for. This time round, Carl will not be around to stop her since he was away for his honeymoon. This time round, Hazel the weakling will have no way of coming out. Angie dashed to the kitchen to grab the sharpest knife she can see, as she calmly dashed to the door like a predator approaching its prey. “I will make it right again.”