Lesson of life

In my youth I was ready to party, it was time to get  geared up for the Tramps Super Party with a long haired wig, an old trilby hat, an old mackintosh tied up with a piece of string, a pair of battered spectacles, woollen fingerless gloves, a scarf, a pair of old boots, a little dark makeup with a light dust of talcum powder to grey my beard,  as a finishing touch was a dirty old army nap-sack. Then I  drove over to collect my friends Colin and Sheila, their front door was given a hefty knock. Sheila was to answer, she did not recognize me.

“ Could ya give me a cupo tea me’duck?” I croakily enquired.

She took a step backward, “ I’ll not give you a cup of tea but I’ll give you a little money.”

“A fiver will do me love.”

Colin heard the remark; he came to the door and told me to bugger off, so I stepped into the doorway, then he threatened to fight me.

At the Miners Welfare Club,  I sent them in ahead as I wished to play the fool.

At the bar  while fumbling in an old cigarette tin to find my money asked. “ Could I have half a pint of bitter please?”

“Drink it up then go.” The barman sharply replied as he pulled the beer.

“I’ve come for the Tramps Supper.”

“It’s not for you, it’s a party.” He said as he handed me the beer.

“But the sign outside says Tramps Supper tonight with pie and peas.”

The barman shouted to the steward. “We’ve got some trouble here.”

The steward came over; he took the glass out of my hand, pointed to the door then bluntly shouted “Fuck off.”

Eventually convinced I was in fancy dress they both howled with laughter. Tramps are outcasts and I learnt how they are treated.

After making my way upstairs to the function room a girl met me at the door, after trying to hand her the money for the do while enquiring where the pies and peas were, she looked horrified. She pushed my hand away then ran off in a fluster to fetch a couple of lads. The pair came over and one said, “Follow me.” He guided me to a chair half way down the side of the function room while explaining they did not want any money and they would fix me up with something to eat when it was ready, the other lad brought over a pint of beer for me. My faith in human nature was restored, however nobody came within ten feet of me; it was hard to keep a straight face sitting there isolated.

From across the room a truly beautiful dark hair girl glided over, she enquired from the lads who were holding their drinks and staring at me, “Where has he come from?” Instantly I found her utterly irresistible.

Unable to keep the act up any longer I burst out in a fit of  laughter. My friends said they did not know why they had not recognized me; I  immediately made enquiries of who this lovely girl was. Her  name was Kay;  she was out to enjoy herself with the group she came with, my eyes could not be kept off her, I  made sure she saw me without the trilby and the wig and prayed that she also may be attracted to me.

My luck was in, I can truthfully say I had never been so delighted over a date before. This young woman had taken over my immediate thoughts from the very first moment I saw her and after the very first unforgettable kiss my fate was inescapably sealed.

Everyone loved this girl, happily I too shared their love for her, she did indeed radiate happiness, she was a very bright bubbly intelligent girl who knew for sure what she wanted from life and was living it to the full. She was astute and planned to have her own hair dressing business in premises in the small market town where she lived.

After several most enjoyable dates she was to introduce me to her family. They were a very close family; one could tell they loved each other dearly. Her parents owned their own home, it was immaculate and worlds apart from my own. Kay’s elder sister was married to a guy called Dave who I admired tremendously and hoped to be a good friend to him in time; he had been a mechanical fitter in one of the local coalmines. He could turn his hand to do most things, so in my own way of thinking there might be a chance for me to turn out the same way as him with age and experience. The couple had worked hard and had got themselves a little house , they were building a comfortable home together; so at the time thought maybe I could do equally well for and with the right partner and was positive she had been found.

She had cast a powerful magical spell over me, I was a captivated young man who was enchanted and truly bewitched. In hindsight I was naïve to say the very least, no match for this exceptional girl who was much brighter and clearly more mature who probably was looking out for a strong outwardly going soul mate.

Our meetings in the evenings during the week, plus weekend’s away  rambling with mutual friends were delightful. Kay had boundless vitality; her sense of humour was infectious as she had an extraordinarily quick bright mind. During our time together we never exchanged a single unkind word, in  our private moments alone in each other’s arms she was held in veneration, I wanting her there forever and dreamed of the future of waking up with each new bright day seeing her face on a pillow next to mine.

Unfortunately the relationship with her became frightfully alarming, I feared the enchantment maybe lost if my eyes were to even blink for when other folk were around her it gradually became difficult for me to manage especially with Kay’s best friend who also seemed to make demands on her time. This girl wore a permanent frown whenever she saw me around, she didn’t like me very much from the start; she probably was a wise girl who saw good reasons not to make friends. If Kay arranged not to see me over a weekend when having a trip away with this best friend, anxiety set in until we met again. Sadly, a whole weekend without her was hardly bearable; I had become far too possessive of her. There were times I felt I was competing with others for her presence and  attention and  was indeed inferior to most of the lads of my age we associated with and somehow inadequate. I tried very hard to overcome this disturbing problem, trying not to show it, trying to hide it in the pit of my stomach but to no avail it was like an illness with me, it most probably was. This would not go away so I became blindingly jealous and only happy when on my own with her, this clearly must have shown. How selfish, how ridiculous and utterly destroying?

Over the Christmas holidays visiting Kay and her family I was so very happy and content with no anxieties, I had her selfishly to myself with no outside competition for her presents. Totally I was out to impress her family to gain their regard for I so very much desired to be part of all their lives that seemed most perfect.

 We had arranged to go to the ice rink in Nottingham for the New Years Eve party, Kay arranged to meet me there. It seemed an age since we last met but it had only been a matter of a day or two. Patiently I waited outside for her to arrive. Kay turned up with the mixed party, as she made her way towards me, I watched her walk her special walk in her tiny walking boots, she was wearing her faded blue jeans tucked into her woollen socks, her green anorak top, a bobble woollen hat that she always wore on the back of her head with a woollen scarf wrapped snugly round her neck. She looked like she had just jumped off a Christmas card. She was wonderful, her lovely thick dark hair fluttered and bounced round her shoulders, her dark eyes glistened, she gave me that broad smile that lit up her face and everybody else’s face around her. I was pleased to be with her again and moved forward to greet her kissing her soft smooth cheek getting my fix from her familiar scent as it flowed into my nostrils, it was that kind of pleasant scent you store in your memory bank forever, a scent which you occasionally comes across in some obscure place in the wider world where it instantly reminds you of someone or somewhere and memory’s come flooding back.

When twelve o’clock came around the bells started to chime in the New Year, I skated across the ice to put my arms around her in a bear hug, kissed her and told her of my love for her and wished her a happy new year. As the netted balloons above were released and started floating down around us, the crowd cheered on the last chime of the year, as we held hands I light heartedly enquired,

“This is a leap year Kay, are you going to ask me to marry you?”

“No Roger.” She said as she looked up at me, “I’m finishing with you.”

She clearly needed to escape from the relationship, she turned and skated off weaving through the crowd, I was devastated and stunned. Kay obviously had reasons, the inevitable happened; she delivered those parting words with a splendid sense of timing that was to become intractable from memory. Deep sorrow over came me, I had lost her.

 She was going hosteling the following weekend I was determined to turn up at the hostel to try to persuade, even beg her to consider changing her mind, to give me another chance, I would pledge to try harder to be a better, stronger, more understanding person and would promise faithfully to do anything she asked of me. Having made my way up to the hostel late in the evening I headed for the door and happen to glance through the darkness into the common room window, there she was her bright happy self, bouncing around enjoying her time as she always did in a mixed party, her friend’s frown had now completely disappeared, she too was laughing. I felt like a stalker peering into that window on that cold winters night. My thoughts raced.

I said to myself, ‘Had I behaved that badly in their company in the past?’

‘Now as the idiot who had lost a girlfriend was I making a bigger fool of myself?’

‘Is the lad with her already her new boyfriend?’

‘Who am I to spoil this girls evening’ she obviously seems much happier without me?’

I turned away and slumped on the stonewalling that surrounded the little hostel and broke down; through uncontrollable tears I wished her love and above all continual happiness in her life. Slowly I made my way home, wholly miserable, to a cold lifeless empty house.

From that point I should have moved on quickly with my life but found it impossible to do so. The yearning for her to be back in my arms did not go away. Several times I hunted Dave out in his place of work to try and find out how Kay felt. His very kind replies did nothing to encourage me, he relayed she had no interest in me. Still continuing being imprudent just to see her once more, I attempted a 25 mile walking race knowing full well she would be at the finishing point supporting the event as Dave’s younger brother had entered the race. At the weekends leading up to the race I got into training, walking many long lonely miles. On the day I drove up to starting point and just tagged on with the walkers who had officially entered the race. Walking alone in the crowd, thoughts of her were constant in my mind, I felt sure she would be waiting there at the other end and that I would at least see her again and who knows we might even get the opportunity to speak to each other. By the time I had staggered up the last grinding hill to the finishing post with the very last of the stragglers we found most folk had gone home or gone to the pub. Why didn’t I just go to the market square, would it have mattered whether I was in the race or not?  Somehow very foolishly I thought it would but all I had gain from this stupidity was additional pains in the shape of very sore blisters and aching muscles. I decided this foolish nonsense must now stop.

This girl however still continued to pound in my inane head, the spell cast over me was extremely powerful; I had been drugged, be-witched and cast far away with the elves and fairies. In the following years it still continued to be unpleasant when thinking about her, tears would well, I would curse myself, blaming myself over and over again for being a fool, and there was an ache in my stomach as if been administered with a poisonous potion. It lingered, it hurt, I had gone down where there is a deeper shade of dark and entered into the gloomy shadowy depths of decadency and wallowed in self-pity, a truly great place to be if you are a masochist!

For some considerable time I turned into somewhat of an eccentric anorak type recluse, and was to bury myself within projects. Starting by re-building a wrecked classical car, as well as spending hour after hour modelling large working scale model ships then at other times in between going for long lone rambles to nowhere in particular. Oh, how awfully weak are young men who have been smitten and their love is dashed. At the time even train spotting on a rarely used branch line looked enticing! My heart continued to say it did not ever want this pain again, so I only talked to girls in my group and stopped dating them, how dippy and daft could one really get? What was needed now was time to man up.

Eventually I did mature and become sane enough to move on positively but must confess for a long time whenever I was working in the small town where Kay worked, I always lingered a while outside her hairdressing salon in hopes of seeing her again. I can only presume she never saw me standing there so the door of opportunity never opened. There again she might well have spotted me and had been cringing in the shampoo and conditioning store cupboard, wishing I would just go away.

It was to be  many many years later  I was newly married a remarkable girl. We were on holiday leave from working abroad; we had gone along to see a James Bond film. Before the film began a strange weird sense of awareness came over me, I turned and immediately saw Kay, it was truly a poignant moment, never have I ever experienced again such powerful emotions that shook the very roots of my entire being. We got up simultaneously and met each other half way in one of the isles, we beckoned our partners, introduced them, we talked of pleasantries that I cannot remember, then Kay softly said, “I’ve thought about you Roger.” My heart pounded, she was clearly not to know how very long and tender my thoughts of her had been. Kay looked even more radiant than ever, the old familiar churning pain in my stomach returned instantly to haunt me; the film was just a teary blur even James Bond could not blot out my personal heart-breaking thoughts. This young woman had literally caused me to be eternally confused as regards to what true love in reality is.

My friends had said, I had been hopelessly infatuated with Kay and had behaved irrationally when I was with her; others said I was clearly besotted. Of course, they were entirely correct, clearly fragments of that hopeless obsession as expressed have lingered with me over the years, once in an airport queue on the other side of the world in Australia her scent was there, I turned around half expecting to see Kay. One cannot really explain why any of this should be so, but it is, and it cannot be evaded. As the bells sound out the passing of the years I am unable to prevent myself remembering that very brief passage of time with this spirited girl in my life. I have had to trust the relationship was one that many people have experienced in some form or other and is one of those testing lessons in life we have to endure which in turn enhances the way we live, makes us more trusting, more romantic, considerate and much wiser.

 I was very pleased to hear Kay is still very vivacious and continues to put smiles on  folks faces and heard she had married a businessman who manufactured fireworks and did displays; it sounded as if it was a perfect union of two people, clearly he is a fortunate man, I am in no doubt whatsoever he soon realised he could not produce one firework that can light up the sky more beautifully or be as much fun as his exceptional woman, I am sure over the years they will have made some cracking fireworks together and produced some beautiful little sparklers.