Mommy vs Daddy: The Match of the Century

Randy stared at his horrified reflection in the bathroom mirror. His eyes looked – haunted. The hollowed-out expression of a man who would soon come face to face with any father’s worst nightmare. This was worse than that time he’d been tasked with getting rid of the bat in the attic when Betty knew he was afraid of their creepy, little feet. This was worse than the training bra incident of 2020. Hell, this might be worse than that time Jimmy saw a spider in the urinal, and he ran away from the restroom with his pants around his ankles, shouting to anyone in the mall who’d listen. On second thought, it might not be worse than that last one. At least the police wouldn’t be involved in today’s fiasco.

“You can do this.” Randy pointed at himself, nodding his head.

“You’ve prepared your whole life for this day.”

“Oh, please.” Betty’s voice came through the phone lying at the edge of the sink. “It’s not that serious.”

Randy shook his fist at the phone. “Are you kidding me?” They heard everything. They saw everything.” Jimmy and Grace were waiting in the living room. His children would never look at him the same way again if he messed this up. He needed to show strength. He couldn’t give away his fear.

Randy could practically hear Betty’s eye roll on the other end of the line. “Randy. It’s a natural part of life. Just tell it to them straight, and they’ll be fine.”

Randy leaned forward until his face was practically touching the phone’s screen. “Says the woman who abandoned me for a Pilates lesson!”

“It’s my day with the personal trainer. They charge your card double if you don’t go.”

Randy threw up his hands. “Haven’t you already worked out enough today? Come on!”

“Five minutes is hardly a workout Randy…”

Randy opened his mouth for a rebuttal but thought better of relitigating that point.

“Besides, as I recall, you conveniently had ‘the most important meeting of our lifetimes’ when Grace had her first period. I dealt with that alone. You can deal with this alone.”

Randy wouldn’t argue with that. But, in his defense, there had been a lot of blood, and Betty knew full well he hadn’t eaten enough that day. “This is different…” Randy put that pathetic, pleading intonation into his voice. He hoped that would convince his wife. It got her to do the dishes whenever he was too tired after work. Perhaps she would turn the car around and drive back to save him out of pity?

“Randal. Paulson.” That settled it. There would be no pity for him. He was alone. “You are a grown man. You can talk with your children.”

“But…”

“Who left the door unlocked, Randy?”

Randy swallowed. “Me.”

“Who told you to double check that the door was locked?”

Randy sagged. “You.”

“So, who’s responsibility is it to clean this mess up?”

Randy dropped to his knees, hands gripping the sink and forehead pressing against the countertop. “Mine.”

“Exactly. Now, when you’re done, can you start the roast? I left the –"

Randy tapped the end call button. He’d pay for that later. He hated it when Betty was right. Why did she have to be right all the damn time? He stood, worked out the creases in his shirt, and took a deep breath. Butterflies were beating the daisies out of his stomach. An invisible force glued his feet to the tiles. It took all his strength to move toward the door. The terror was unimaginable. He finally understood how his grandfather felt right before storming those beaches.

Randy flew open the door and puffed out his chest. He walked down the steps with a swagger. He needed to show confidence. He needed to be brave.

Jimmy and Grace lounged in the living room. Grace sat with her legs dangling over the shoulder of the love seat. Her head briefly lifted from her phone to glance at Randy. She rolled her eyes the moment she saw his awkward step. She was just like her mother. Jimmy played with an army of toys sprawled out on the couch. By the look of things, Jimmy’s favorite dinosaur was currently battling a group of cowboys in a wrestling match.

“Hi daddy!” Jimmy smiled and waved. He was putting on a brave face. Pretending he hadn’t seen – what he’d seen. God, his son was a good boy.

“Hey.” Grace continued to text. She was probably talking to her lout of a boyfriend. Randy couldn’t stand that kid. Always going on and on about how much he loved Grace. For as long as Randy drew breath, his little girl wasn’t going to fall in love with anyone.

“Kids…” Randy took the seat opposite his children. “We need to talk.”

“Nope!” Grace waved a dismissive hand. “We are not going to talk about it. I think my retinas are permanently scarred as it is. Let’s just move on!”

Well, that settled that. Randy wasn’t going to force his daughter to relive something so traumatic. Betty would understand. He nodded and started to lift off the chair.

“Daddy?” Jimmy let go of his dinosaur to make puppy-dog eyes at Randy. “Is Mommy going to be okay?”

Randy raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean, sport? Of course she’s going to be alright.”

Jimmy held a finger up to his bottom lip, deep in contemplation – for a seven-year-old. “But this morning I heard her making noises. Like she was hurt.”

Grace finally put down her phone – to stifle a laugh. She moved to sit upright and watch the fireworks. Randy could feel his eyes widening to the size of planets. Dread filled his every pore. “Well, Jimmy, you see. The thing is…”

“Why were you hitting Mommy?” Jimmy asked. “You told us not to hit anyone, ever.”

Grace shifted to sit cross legged. She practically bounced with glee.

Randy held up an open hand. “I—I wasn’t hitting your mother.”

“No, you were!” Jimmy hopped off the couch. He narrowed his eyes. “I saw! You were hitting her from behind.”

Grace bellowed with laughter. “This is amazing!” She wiped away a tear as Randy tried – and failed – to think of what next to say. “Say Dad, why were you hitting Mom?” She pursed her lips and held her hands together, feigning ignorance. The little witch. “Jimmy, I think Mommy needs help. You should go get the cops again. Like when you saw that spider in the mall.”

“I’ll call for help!” Jimmy saluted and pranced over to the house phone, preparing to dial 911 like he was taught. Randy regretted teaching him that lesson.

Randy shot up from the chair, waving his hands wildly. “Wait!” He grabbed Jimmy by the arm and turned to stare death at his devilish daughter. He let Jimmy go and sighed. “I wasn’t hitting your mother. I promise.”

Jimmy peered up at Randy. “Then, what were you doing to Mommy?” God, this kid was adorable when he was naïve. Randy remembered when Grace had looked just as innocent. High school had robbed Randy of one of his angels. He wouldn’t let this incident rob him of his second.

Randy searched the room, hoping to find something to distract his son. Jimmy was cute as a button, but he had the attention span of a gnat. Randy would just need to find the right toy, and he’d be in the clear.

All he found was a snickering teenage girl…and the wrestling dinosaur. Inspiration struck Randy swifter than his hand had struck Betty’s backside this morning. He snapped his fingers and smiled.

“We were wrestling!” He blurted out.

“Wrestling?” His kids asked in unison. Grace sounded exasperated. Jimmy: a mixture of curiosity and excitement.

“Yup!” Randy nodded with satisfaction at his lie. “Your mother challenged me to a wrestling match.” He smirked, lifting his head and striking a pose. “Naturally, I won.”

“Awesome!” Jimmy high fived Randy. “Nice job, Dad!”

“That’s weird.” Grace said, rubbing her chin. “Jimmy, have any of the wrestlers on TV ever wrestled without clothes on?”

Randy let out a tiny squeak. This girl was good. Just like her damned mother.

“No…” Jimmy appeared to be working out the problem in his head. Randy prayed that little brain of his was as empty as Randy’s promise to take out the trash.

“Then why did you wrestle without clothes on Dad?” Grace asked.

“Yeah!” Jimmy clapped and jumped. “Why? Why? Why?”

“It was a special kind of wrestling.” Randy glared at his daughter.

“You can’t wear clothes, or you’re disqualified.”

“Can I wrestle like that!?” Jimmy started to lift his shirt. “It looked fun!”

“No!” Randy held Jimmy’s shirt down. “It’s dangerous for kids. Only adults can wrestle like that.”

“Why?” Jimmy asked.

“Because those are the rules.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, I didn’t make the rules.”

“Why?”

“The wrestling commission never asked me to.”

“Why?”

Randy shook his head. “Enough questions. That’s just how it is.”

“Okay.” Jimmy tapped a finger against his chin. “But if only adults can wrestle, then why was Grace wrestling her boyfriend last week?”

“WHAT!?” Randy and Grace locked eyes, both with jaws agape.

Randy felt cold. His heart skipped a beat. Then another. Then another. This was the end. He was going to keel over any moment.

“Dad.” Grace stood, rubbing the back of her head. “It’s not what you think.”

“Were you wrestling? In this house?” Randy asked, barely able to get out the words.

“Well, I was wrestling, but like over-the-clothes wrestling.” Grace admitted, face turning a thousand shades of red.

“No!” Jimmy shook his head. “Grace wasn’t wearing a shirt.”

“How often are you creeping on people you stupid little perve!?” Grace stomped a foot into the carpet. The vibration nearly sent Randy crumbling toward the floor. His sweet, little girl. Reduced to a wrestler. A fate worse than death for any father.

“Perve?” Jimmy asked. “Daddy, I thought you said only people walking around the mall were called perves. That’s why all those people said you were –”

“Was it that little ingrate you’ve been hanging around with!?” Randy’s legs regained life as he walked him over to Grace. “I told your mother he was bad news!”

“He loves me, and I love him.” Grace got into Randy’s face, sneering.

“And we’ve wrestled tons of times I might add.” Randy gasped.

“Yeah, we’ve wrestled in this very room. Twice.”

“Y—you’re just saying that to hurt me…” Randy wiped away a tear. His body deflated like a punctured balloon.

“Maybe.” Grace crossed her arms, looked away, and puffed her cheeks. She seemed genuinely upset. A small flicker of humanity shone in her eyes – along with a megaton bomb’s worth of embarrassment. At least the girl had some shame.

“So, only people who love each other can wrestle?” Jimmy asked. Randy and Grace turned to acknowledge the boy. Jimmy seemed more confused than ever.

“Yes.” Randy said, realizing his mistake. He turned his head back toward Grace. She was mortified. Scared. This was his once chance to support her. He needed to make things right. “Only people who love each other wrestle.” He wrapped an arm around his daughter’s trembling shoulder. She hugged him on instinct. “So, as long as you’re being safe, it’s fine.”

“Thanks Dad…” Grace whispered, squeezing him tighter.

The pair shared a warm embrace for the first time since she turned sixteen. Today was turning out to be far better than he’d ever anticipated. Maybe he needed to ask his wife for morning wrestling more often?

“I don’t understand.” Jimmy said. Grace and Randy shared concerned looks. “If you can only wrestle the people you love, then why has Mommy been wrestling that guy at the gym?”

“huh?” Randy and Grace shared panicked looks.

“Yeah!” Jimmy scratched his head. “I overheard Mommy saying she wrestles at the gym every week. She said to her friend they work up a sweat because the trainer wrestles them both at the same time.”

“Mother of God.” Randy felt the air leaving his lungs. Jimmy’s words were like a gut punch. He sat on the couch, uncaring of the cowboys ramming into his backside.

“Well, that can’t be true.” Grace waved a hand toward Jimmy.

“Jimmy makes things up all the time. Come on, Jimmy, tell us the truth.”

“No, it’s the truth!” Jimmy saluted. “I swear! Mommy said it to her friend Debra.”

“Your mother said Debra was interested in a triple’s match…” The world was collapsing around Randy.

“Excuse me?” Grace asked.

Randy ignored his daughter. He paled, his own misdeeds playing back in his head. Betty was the greatest woman in the world. Smart, funny, and an incredible mother. She’d birthed and raised two angels. But how had Randy repaid her? Pawning chores off on her without impunity. Refusing to listen when he had no right to. Letting Jimmy run around the mall with his willy hanging out. Telling the cops it was her fault when he thought they’d label him a wrestling offender.

“Holy crap…” Randy said aloud. He’d been the worst husband of all time. He’d cheat on himself if given the chance. Betty was loyal to a fault, but who in their right mind would remain faithful to a sorry excuse for a man like him?

Jimmy pointed and giggled. “Swear jar!” Grace didn’t speak. Her face looked worse than Randy’s. She was a smart girl, like her mother. She put the pieces together faster than he had.

Grace walked over to Randy, determination flashing in her eyes. “We have to stop her!”

“Huh?” Randy cocked his head. “What do you –”

Grace slapped him across the face. “Be a man! Win your woman back!” Her face reddened, and she looked away. “Not that I care or anything though…I’m fine if you get divorced.”

Randy rubbed his bruised cheek. He stood and hugged his daughter. “That was what I needed.” He held her in front of him, staring into her eyes. “Let’s go kill this son of a bitch!”

Grace nodded. “I’m in!”

Jimmy shouted, “Swear jar!”

----

“Where is she!?” Randy rushed into the gym, head swiveling in every direction. The place was packed with people, most of whom stopped what they were doing to investigate the crazed man yelling at the top of his lungs. “Betty!”

“Mom!” Grace shouted, standing side-by-side with her father. Why had he ever assumed Grace wasn’t the same, perfect girl she’d always been?

“This is fun!” Jimmy said, taking up the rear.

“Randy?” A voice called out from Randy’s left. He pivoted and saw his wife with a man, both drenched in sweat. The man was rippling with muscle, and his shorts were so tight, Randy was sure he could see the outline of his massive turnbuckle. No wonder Betty was leaving him for this freak of nature.

“Is this him!?” Randy pointed toward the home-wrecking wrestler.

Betty placed hands on hips. “Randy, what are you talking about?”

The man leaned over to whisper in Betty’s ear. It appeared to be an extremely sensual whisper. “Who is this guy?” Randy overheard.

“This guy!” Randy slammed a palm into his chest. “Is going to kick your ass!” Without hesitation, Randy decked the bastard across the face. Randy surprised himself when the muscle-bound trainer collapsed to the ground without a fight. Pain coursed up Randy’s hand, and he sucked in air.

Betty’s eyes went wide. “Randy! What the f—”

“Betty!” Randy grabbed his wife by the arms and enveloped her in a tight embrace. “I’m so sorry, honey. I know I’ve been a horrible husband. I’m going to change.” A crowd started to form around Randy, Betty, his children…and the unconscious man snoring on the floor. They collectively stared, bewildered by Randy’s tremendous masculinity. Betty tried to speak again, but Randy held a finger to her lips. “From this day forward, I promise to be a better man. I promise to take the kids to school every day until they graduate. I promise to cook whatever you want whenever you want. I promise to take out the trash even when I don’t want to. I’ll face down any bat for you. I’ll love and cherish you for all time!” He held his wife out in front of him. “Just please come back to me! Don’t wrestle with another man!” Tears stung his eyes.

Betty’s friend Debra emerged from the crowd. She held three wrestling helmets underneath both arms. Randy glanced behind her and saw a rather impressive wrestling mat in the center of the gym.

“Oh…” Grace started. “They were actually wrestling.”

“yes.” Betty spoke softly, pinching between her brows. “Derek has been teaching us to wrestle. It’s great exercise.” She sighed. “But I suppose I’m going to be banned from this place, just like we were banned from the mall. Isn’t that right, Randal?”

Randy glanced around at the crowd of people. They whispered amongst themselves. Then, without warning, they all gasped. Some pulled out phones. Some turned away. Some pointed behind Randy.

“Daddy!” The group twisted to see Jimmy – naked, clothes strewn around him. “I want to wrestle you next!”

“Yeah, we’d better get going.” Randy said, scooping up Jimmy’s clothes and escorting his family out of the gym. He turned to give Betty a sheepish grin. “I assume no wrestling for the next week?”

“Try a month.” Without another word, Betty bounded forward, out of the gym, and thankfully, back into Randy’s arms…a few days later.