Enough Now.

The spiral.

We all go through it at some point in our life. The outcome is always based on the steps you take during and after the spiral. But…even when you take the right steps…do the right things…deal with everything in the right way…you can still end up the most fruitless…unsuccessful…worthless situations. Maybe it’s luck that gives us the best chance of a good outcome…or maybe the fates of the universe are finally giving you a break?

My spiral began 8 days ago. The first coil was my father’s death.

At just 41 years old, he was shot in the head.

I remember sitting in the lobby of the hospital, surrounded by green peeling painted walls with an undertone of white. The walls were in better shape than my mental state. I was the only person from my family present that night. I called everyone while I paced the lobby waiting for the surgeon or even the nurse to come out and ease my racing mind.

I called my sister. No response. She was busy spending time with her latest conquest at a bar that was 2 hours away.

I called a few of my cousins. No response.

Finally, I called my brother. No response…because he was getting the shit beaten out of him by one of the gangs from the North side of our island. Typical Friday night for him.

I had no one. I was never good at making friends. My quiet personality was a bit intimidating for most people my age, so I lived the life of a loner. But that’s not to say my life was dull, after all I had a promiscuous sister and a bad boy for a brother. Their lives alone held all the entertainment I could ever want.

“Anyone here for a…Mr. Yang?” a doctor asked as he finally walked into the lobby.

I glanced up at the clock for a moment, noting that it took them a total of 4 hours to finally come out with some answers. That is a relatively long time and can only mean one thing. He didn’t make it…right?

“Here!” I heard myself screech out. Here? What the fuck? Am I in school? Is this attendance? Get your shit together Skylar! “I mean, yes…he’s my father.”

“Miss Skylar Yang?” the doctor walked over to me while glancing down at his clipboard that seemed to be stacked with papers. “Ah yes…he did have you down as his POA. Your father came in tonight with a bullet wound to the head and multiple contusions to his face, ribs and back. He was rushed into emergency surgery where I – “

“Is he dead?” I had to interrupt. I didn’t need to hear all these meaningless facts before the most important conclusion. “I’m sorry, but I just need to know if he’s alive or dead, and since you’re taking so long to tell me, I’m just assuming…in my head…that he’s dead. So please…just tell me a straight answer.”

The look on his face was the answer. He didn’t have to tell me anything else.

“I regret to inform you that as of 4:13 AM on this Saturday 19^th of March, your father succumbed to his injuries and died.” He said with a pity look on his face.

Anyone else would have fallen to the floor and burst out into tears. Some people might have thrown a chair or punched a wall. But I just stood there, nodding my head as if I were in full agreement of something. Not feeling the full impact of what had been said.

“Is there anyone I can call to come get you or come be here with you?” the doctor asked.

I blinked for a moment, remembering that he was still there. Call someone for me? Who?

“No…I don’t have…I mean…no one is answering their phones right now. I’ll try my brother again. Um…thanks for letting me know about…my dad. When can I see him?” That’s the right thing to ask, right?

“A nurse can take you to him whenever you’re ready.” He answered before turning and disappearing behind the white swinging doors.

I turned around and walked out the lobby, inhaling the fresh air before pulling out my phone and dialing my brother…again. This time, someone answered.

“Skylar, how’s your father?” a voice that I hated since I had turned 17 spoke through the phone.

The voice was deep and menacing. It reeked of ego, a quick temper and the promise of death.

“Anthony…why are you answering Jeremy’s phone?” I asked instead of answering his question.

“Your brother is a bit tied up right now. Literally.” He chuckled darkly into the phone. “I answered yours, now it’s your turn to answer mine.”

“He’s dead. Someone shot him in the head tonight…but it sounds like they gave him beating before that.” I answered. “Can I talk to Jeremy and tell him?”

“Oh, your brother knows.” Anthony laughed loudly. “He was there. Didn’t you know?”

“What…what are you talking about?” scenarios began running through my head.

“Ah, my sweet lily…he owes me money. A lot of money. My boys went to…let’s say…retrieve it. Your father got in the way of their little spat. Losses on both sides since I still don’t have my money.” Anthony explained to me as his tone turned darker slowly.

Money.

Everything on this island…everything bad…was always related to money and power. The two went hand in hand.

“You killed my dad…over money…that my brother owes you?” I asked in disbelief.

“Skylar, your father’s death was not intentional. One of my boys got carried away a bit and he has been reprimanded.” He said in the simplest way.

“Is he dead too?” I spat back as the emotion of anger began to take over my numbness.

“No…but that can be arranged if you want. You know I would always do anything for you.” I could envision the smirk on his face as he spoke.

“No. I don’t want anyone’s death on my conscience.” I sighed softly, the anger dissipating just as easily as it came.

“Anyway, you and I should talk.” Anthony cleared his throat, which meant he was done with small talk.

I had known Anthony for 15 years. We met when we went to the same Primary School together. Even then, he had formed his own group that was at the top of our school’s hierarchy. I had watched him turn from a school bad boy to a real ruthless gangster. His intelligence and money ensured his safety. He had almost every cop in his pocket, along with some judges and government officials. A lot to accomplish for a 21 year old. I hated who he had become.

But, he was never like that in the beginning. Back then…before reality hit us as teenagers, he was the top male swimmer on our school’s swim team, he had made a name for himself in every taekwondo tournament, and he was always genuinely smiling and happy when he was surfing the waves at any beach in the North.

Like most of us though, he had it tough at home. He had 4 older brothers, each of them died by the hands of various gang leaders, while his parents were coke addicts who never even remembered his name to begin with. It was only natural that he would enter the gang life. Despite the justification, I still hated who he had become.

“Why do we need to talk? I’m only calling to let me brother know the news.” I seethed. “But since he already knows, then there’s nothing left to say.”

“Your brother has named you as the person who’s going to pay off his debt to me, Skylar. So, yes, we need to talk.” He said without a beat.

How do you respond to something like that? I’m one of the smartest people I know, so I knew where this was going. If I denied that claim, he was going to kill my brother. If I agreed to the claim, then I would need to pay whatever the amount was.

“You’re smart, my lily, so I know you’re already running scenarios in your head. You know I have a soft spot for you since we were kids, Skylar…so let’s talk. I’ll give you a couple days to get all your shit together with your dad and family, some time to mourn maybe, and then we’ll talk. I’ll even let your good for nothing brother go.”

He hung up before I could even respond to that. But there was no other response except for an agreement. I would have to talk to him.

That was 7 days ago.

We had the funeral. Everyone cried, except for me. I should have cried the most since my dad and I were closer than anyone else. But I couldn’t cry. I watched my sister cry fake tears. She hated our father because he was strict with her. He had to be since she was so flippant and flighty. My brother cried genuine tears, but they were more out of guilt. My father had been trying to get him on a straight path for years, but drugs always makes the user powerless to it.

For seven days I went through the motions of everything. Memories flooded my mind the moment I stopped doing something and I would quickly start doing something else just to keep them at bay. Yet, I could not shed one tear.

Anthony called me on the 7^th day. He invited me to a meeting at Soong’s Great Wall Restaurant. Ironically, it was my favorite Chinese restaurant.

I got there early, like I always do whenever I go anywhere, and just sat in my dad’s 1994 RX-7, listening to the soundtrack of Queen’s greatest hits and the second coil hit me.

Here I was, preparing myself to, once again, bail out my brother. This wasn’t the first time. Since I was 13 years old, I was the person everyone in my family came to whenever they needed help or a quick bail out, with the empty promise of never asking for help again.

My sister would need money for clothes, going out with her friends, or dinners with guys who never paid. I even came to her rescue when some of her dates got a little too touchy. My brother always had money problems with Anthony’s gang, as well as run-ins with the police where I would have to bail him out. My mom…even though she has gone from this world as well…but she would always need someone to clean her up after her drunk and drug-infused nights. I was always called. Why?

I am powerless.

I have always been powerless when it came to my family. I always felt the never-ending guilt of abandoning them if I didn’t help. So, I gave in to my powerlessness and helped every time.

It didn’t matter to me back then when I had to work 2 jobs at 15 to pay off my brother’s debt. It didn’t matter then when I gave up my money to go to my swim meets so that my sister could hang out with her friends. It didn’t matter then when I had missed an O’Level mathematics exam because my mom needed me to pick her up off the kitchen floor and get her cleaned up from her vomit. It never mattered because…they owned me and they knew it.

I wanted them to need me because…I had no one else. I needed to be needed, and that made me completely and utterly powerless to them.

Here I was…powerless once more…this time to my brother. Nothing could get me out of this. No one made me feel as needed as they did.

I had no friends. I had no loving family. I had nothing and no one. I just had the dysfunctional duo now, and I was powerless to always helping them.

My thoughts sometimes got dark. What if they didn’t exist? What if I just left them? Would I be happy? Possibly. But I would be alone…and that was my biggest fear. Loneliness leads to a lot of self-destruction. I never wanted to become what my siblings were.

The third coil came then…with a firm knock on my driver’s side window that made me jump, literally, out of my thoughts. I turned my head to look up into the dark eyes of Anthony. A quick perusal showed me that he hadn’t changed since we last saw each other at our Secondary School graduation, 4 years ago.

“Are you planning to sit there all day?” he inquired as he boldly opened the door for me.

I sighed softly and stepped out the car, placing my hand in his offered one, following him into the exaggeratingly decorated restaurant. He pulled out the chair for me to sit down, allowing me to take a note of the empty dining room. It was just the two of us and a young waiter.

I sat down and stared at the table, already covered in various dishes. Upon closer inspection, I noticed that they were all dishes that I favored. Even the already poured Chinese green tea was a favorite of mine.

“I know you’re hungry, Skylar, so eat first and then we’ll talk.” He ordered.

I lifted my eyes to meet his gaze but seeing the serious look on his face made me lower my eyes to the food once more. I picked up the blue chopsticks on my side of the table and started with the appetizer dishes: spring rolls, fried wontons, steamed wontons, and lightly salted edamame. The moment I tasted my first steamed wonton, my stomach growled in anger.

He was right…I had not eaten anything in days. I had drunk water only just to keep moving and basically surviving. But…food…that had been a foreign concept for me. I began to cough…and cough. I reached for the glass of water, but another glass was already waiting for me.

I reared my head back to look at Anthony. He was on his knees at my side, lifting his own glass to my lips. My eyes widened slightly as I noticed the look of pure concern on his face.

“Drink.” He stated.

I nodded and took a few sips of his water.

“I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to cough.” I said softly.

“Fuck, you really are a mess.” He chuckled darkly. “But then again, you’ve always been a mess.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I gently pushed his glass away and kept my eyes on him as he returned to his own chair.

“Skylar, I’m going to be blunt.” He cleared his throat. “While you’ve been catering to everyone around you, I’ve been watching you closely…every day…since we were kids, Skye…”

“I don’t cater to everyone…” I felt the need to defend his truth instantly.

“Yes, you do.” He smirked at me. “You catered to your mother. You’re still catering to your sister and brother. Skye, you’re here because of your brother. When do you plan to cater to yourself?”

“I…I…what does any of that have to do with why we’re here?” I snapped. “Just give me the amount and let’s discuss how I can pay it back. I was thinking I could pay a fixed portion every month.”

“We are here to talk…yes. But I don’t want any money from you, Skylar. I could never take money from you. I sense your brother knew that already. Everyone else knows how I feel about you. Everyone apart from you, of course.” He laughed to himself.

He laughed.

I hardly ever heard him laugh in school. But here he was, sitting across from me…laughing. What the hell is going on?

“I don’t know what you mean. I know you’ve teased me a bit, but that’s just from being schoolmates…right?” I wondered out loud.

“I know everything about you, Skylar. I know what you like to eat, where you like to go when you’re stressed out, what you like to do when you have some time to yourself, and even what you do when you’re 100% depressed. Hell, I even know how many times you’ve saved your brother and sister, not to mention your mother while your dad worked his ass off to just keep a roof over everyone’s head. Do you know why I wanted to become…what I am? I could have taken any path in my life, but I chose this one so that I could make enough money to free you…it’s always been you for me. No teasing, Skye. I don’t need you, but…I have always wanted you and only you.” He revealed.

“Bull shit.” It was my turn to laugh. “Bull shit.”

“Truth. All of it.” He gave me the look I saw when he was serious about winning a race, or when he was about to take someone down during his tournaments. He wasn’t lying…?

“So? What? You expect me to swoon?” I laughed again.

“Here is my proposition. I’m not asking you to marry me, or submit yourself to me, even though I know that will happen eventually. I am offering this…date me. Let me earn your trust properly. I will clear your brother of all his debt to me and my men, if you just date me.” He offered. “But there is a rule, all this energy you give to them…you give to me now. Let me show you how to use it for yourself. Let me teach you how to be powerless to only yourself and maybe to the ones who actually love you.”

Fourth coil…shit…