The Bulletin of Missing Things

Every work day morning, Ted grabbed his “World’s Most Okay Dad” mug filled with tongue burning hot coffee and went straight to the “Missing Things” bulletin board. Keith started the board when he pinned up a paper detailing his stolen ham-and-cheese sandwich and asking for anyone with information to contact him. He even had a picture of the lackluster sandwich. Perhaps he took pictures of all his lunches every morning. For what reason, Ted couldn’t possibly guess. Now everyone posted their missing things, hopeful of finding the thief and putting a stop to it. It pleased Ted greatly to see that rather than deter the thief like Keith said it would, the thievery had actually ramped up. To be clear, Ted didn’t enjoy knowing he needed to keep watch of his belongings, but because of a deep, burning hatred of Keith, the failure of the board always put a smile on his face. Still, it aggravated him how drawn to the board he had become. He checked it constantly. Any second a new item could get pinned, and he just had to know what it’d be. 

Today’s fresh bulletins were for Pam’s gold eyeliner, Jordan’s car keys, and Maggie’s favorite lavender, colored and scented, notepad. Ted shook his head. Jordan posted his missing things occasionally, but then usually found them a few moments later and realized he simply misplaced them. Maybe he put his car keys in a desk drawer but thought they’d be in the pocket of his pants or the other way around. Therefore, Ted saw him as a red herring that could be dismissed. Maggie and Pam were frequently missing feminine type things, so could the culprit be a woman? A woman who constantly craved various ham filled sandwiches. Monday Keith lost a grilled swiss cheese and ham sandwich with spicy mustard. Tuesday an egg and ham salad sandwich vanished. Wednesday was ham with cheddar cheese, lettuce, and tomato. Previous weeks were similar. The thief loved Keith’s sandwiches. Ted wondered both why the thief never grew tired of ham and why Keith never tried to better secure his sandwiches. If Keith switched his diet slightly, would the problem be solved? Surely a week of ham wasn’t doing anyone any favors. 

Once settled in his cubicle, Ted couldn’t break his thoughts away from the missing items. He opened a blank word document and wrote the names of his nine co-workers, his boss, and the janitor. Everyone was a suspect, but what if he could rule some of them out? Nancy seemed like an unlikely culprit since she was a vegan and very anti-beauty industry. Though, this could be a statement. Taking their wasteful paper products, makeup, and disgusting amounts of ham to prove how unnecessary it all was. No, that wasn’t Nancy’s style. She was quiet, avoided conflict, and focused on work. Ted felt confident all Nancy thought about was her book club and hamsters. He crossed her name off the list. 

While their Janitor, Freddy, technically could be stealing supplies at night, he wasn’t around to take Keith’s sandwiches. Ted crossed him off the list as well. By similar logic, Rosie’s name could also get crossed off. She had only recently returned from a medical leave. Ted smiled at all the progress he had already made. 

“What’re you workin’ on?”

Startled, Ted realized Kip stood behind him. It surprised him that Kip could sneak up on him, because he could normally smell Kip approaching. The mixture of body odor, weed, and cheap cologne irritated Ted’s sensitive nose, but the mystery had him too enthralled to notice anything around him. 

“It’s silly. Just wondering if I can solve the missing things mystery.” Ted didn’t see a point in lying to Kip about not working, since Kip wasn’t exactly a star employee himself. Most afternoons, Kip took naps at his desk and thought no one noticed despite his loud snoring. 

“I’m guessing the crossed out names you’ve ruled out?” 

“Uh, yeah. I haven’t gone through them all yet. I was about to cross off yours.” Ted fought the urge to click away from the document. No point hiding it now. 

Kip nodded and then bent down towards Ted’s ear to whisper, “I bet it’s Dennis.” 

“Why?” 

“He always goes to the bathroom for a very long time right before lunch. Also he has those creepy little beady eyes and he smiles too much.” 

“Okay, I’ll keep that in mind.” Ted smiled and made a note next to Dennis’ name. When he turned towards Kip again, he noticed a small red smudge on his white shirt. “You got something there.” 

Kip looked down and grinned. “Must be ketchup from my hashbrowns. I probably shouldn’t be working somewhere with white shirts for uniforms, but here we are.”

An idea popped into Ted’s head. He could set a trap for the thief. What if he left a delicious lunch as bait, and that lunch included a dye or something that would mark the culprit? The next question was whether to make something more delicious than Keith's lunches or the same because so far no one else’s lunches had been stolen. Did this person only like ham? It made sense to avoid Pam’s plain oatmeal and dates, or Kip’s gross frozen dinners. Rosie and Gabriela made lunches fit for a restaurant and the thief was missing out there.

“Oh, hey!” Jordan suddenly shouted. “I’m such a goof. My car keys were right on my desk this whole time.” 

Ted rolled his eyes and crossed Jordan’s name off his list too. Any of these office crimes required more intelligence than that man’s tiny brain could handle. Kip chuckled and returned to his cubicle. 

The employees had lunch groups, which Ted figured might offer a clue, but since Keith had the first wave, he hadn’t worked it out yet. No one would naturally be in the kitchen before him, so they must be taking his lunch before anyone entered. Though Ted had been keeping a diligent eye on the kitchen door and never saw anyone enter prior to lunch. Their boss, Mr. Charleston had a door from his closed off office into the kitchen that no one could see. This made him the current prime suspect. Still, imagining their boss who drove an Aston Martin, smoked the most expensive cigars, drank the finest whiskey, and wore custom tailored suits, sneaking into the kitchen to binge on Keith’s ham sandwiches every day seemed nothing but laughable. Also, why would he take Pam’s eyeliner? Did he give used and stolen makeup to his girlfriends? Did he like wearing it himself after work? Ted pictured him scattering Pam’s eyeliner and Maggie’s rosy blush on the floor of his Aston Martin to make his date jealous. Maybe he wrote them love letters with stolen lavender paper. It didn’t add up, but he couldn’t be ruled out just yet. 

Ted ate his lunch in the kitchen with Gabriela, Nancy, and Rosie. They had the same lunch time as Keith, but Keith always went to a diner down the street due to his missing lunch. Before leaving, he walked to the fridge for his oscar-worthy discovery of the missing lunch performance. Each day he acted seemingly more shocked than the day before. 

“Oh, no! Not again! Oh, guys, we need to figure this out. This was a good one too. Honey ham, provolone, and so much mayo. I've been thinking about it all morning. All that glorious mayo.” Keith hung his head low. “Well, I guess it’s another slice of pie for me. What a way to live. See ya later alligators!” 

Gabriela rolled her eyes and Rosie shook her head. 

“It’s so awful,” Nancy said in her whisper of a voice. “I keep my lunch at my desk now.” 

“I don’t believe anyone’s stealing his sandwiches,” Gabriela said. 

“Why would he lie?” Ted asked, more to encourage trash talking of Keith than any kind of disbelief. 

“It’s almost offensive to think of all our lunches that is what they steal,” Rosie said with a laugh. 

Ted pulled out his lunch and groaned. “Wish someone would steal mine. Wife let the kids make it again.” 

The peanut butter sandwich covered in rainbow sprinkles didn’t look at all appealing to Ted. Nor did the boxed apple juice and fruit snacks. 

Gabriela opened the refrigerator and shrieked. “No way!” 

“What?” All three asked. 

She pushed items around and looked up and down the fridge. “They took mine! I’ve never had anything stolen.” 

“Oh, honey. You should keep it at your desk,” Rosie said. 

“I didn’t believe this stupid thief was real. I assumed Keith’s wife made his lunches and he was lying to not eat them. I wouldn't blame him.” 

Ted thought about that for a moment. Nothing had been stolen until Keith started this. What if he took Gabriela’s lunch to help prove it wasn’t only him? Make it more believable. Ted shrugged knowing he only wanted to believe everything was Keith’s fault. Realistically he couldn’t have gotten past them with her lunch. Could he? 

“Well, if you want to join Keith at the diner, I’ll go over too. I can’t bring myself to eat this load of sugar,” Ted said. 

“I’ll go too,” Rosie smiled. “He’s got me curious about this pie.” 

“It’ll be fun!” Nancy said. 

They all headed down the road to the diner talking about what nice weather they’d been having. Ted saw Keith standing outside the dinner, but he didn’t call out since they were still too far off. Keith pulled something out of his pocket and tossed it in the trash. Was it a smushed ham sandwich? Then a woman, presumably a waitress from the outfit, walked out and threw her arms around Keith’s neck. They engaged in a passionate kiss. 

“That’s not his wife,” Rosie gasped. 

“That woman is old enough to be his mother!” Gabriela said. 

“I think he’s lying about the sandwiches,” Nancy added. 

Ted smirked and took a photo with his phone. Evidence might be useful. 

“But if he is lying, then who took my lunch?” Gabriela said.

"His poor wife," Nancy said.

"She should learn to cook better," Gabriela said. Rosie slapped Gabriela's arm and shook her head. 

Feeling a bit uncomfortable about the situation, they decided to grab pre-made lunches from the marketplace instead and arrived back to work quicker than anyone expected. This is what helped them catch Kip sitting outside with his eyes closed in pleasure as he took a large bite of Gabriela’s lunch. 

“Kip! Are you the one taking everything?” Rosie shouted.

Kip froze, his eyes widened, and his jaw dropped. He shook his head. “No, no. This is the only thing I’ve taken. I thought with all the stealing going around no one would notice. Ted even said he didn’t suspect me.” 

“I was being polite,” Ted shrugged. 

“Your lunches look so good! They are so good! I couldn’t resist.” Kip sheepishly took another bite of the lo mein. Gabriela crossed her arms and glared at him. “Look, it has my germs. You can't eat it now, but I’ll never do it again. I’m sorry. I can, uh, pay you maybe?” 

Leaving them to sort it out, Ted focused on the case again. The lunches were all a red herring, but lunches weren’t the only thing getting stolen. 

“I’m heading out to network,” Mr. Charleston said as he walked by Ted. Networking was his word for playing golf. 

“Wait, Sir, are you wearing a new cologne? I can’t help but notice you smell like lavender.” Ted asked. 

Mr. Charleston groaned. “That’s unfortunate. I’m sure a cigar will help.” 

“Did you borrow Maggie’s notepad?” Ted didn’t want to accuse the boss, so he quickly added, “I did the other day and couldn’t get rid of that smell. My mom might’ve thought I was having an affair. Weirdly strong for paper.” 

Mr. Charleston looked at Ted like he had eight heads. “Yeah, I guess, probably.” 

“She’s looking for it, I think,” Ted said weakly. 

“What are saying Ted? You sound like a child. Oh boo hoo someone took a pad of fricken paper. Far as I’m concerned, this is my business and everything in it belongs to me. I need a paper, I take a paper wherever I happen to find a paper cause it’s all mine. Everything in here is mine. Now I’m late for my gam—er meeting. Buzz off.” 

With that Mr. Charleston stormed out the door.

“Whoa, what happened?” Pam asked from her cubicle. 

“I guess I found out who is taking everything.” 

“Really? Who?” 

“Mr. Charleston apparently.” 

“The boss is taking Keith’s lunches?” 

“Well, no, not the lunches. That’s a lie. A coverup to Keith’s affair.” 

Pam put her hand over her mouth. “Affair?”

“Yeah, guess so. I plan to tell his wife. It’s the right thing to do.” 

“Sure,” Pam said. She didn’t look certain though. Ted didn’t care. “Should we take down the board?” 

“It just bugs me.” 

“What does?” 

“Why would Mr. Charleston take your makeup?”  

Pam’s face went bright red. “Well, what he does in his personal time is for him alone to know. I’ll take down that board.” 

Pam jumped from her chair quickly. Too quickly. 

“Pam?” Ted said. 

Pam kept her back to him, but said, “Yes?” 

“Kip told me he stole Gabriela’s lunch today because all this stealing made him feel safe. Made him feel like he wouldn’t get caught.” 

“Oh, my. What a day it’s been? All these liars.” Pam laughed nervously. 

“Yeah, I guess. Maybe it’s easy to get caught up in things.” 

“Maybe. One person does a thing, others do the same. People learn from each other. It’s all a shame.” Pam pulled down her missing items first. “Hopefully, it’ll all be over now. Thanks to you, Detective Ted.” 

Ted nodded and headed back to his desk. For a lot of reasons he felt he should be happy. He succeeded in solving the case, and found a way to really bring Keith down. He didn’t care that Mr. Charleston told him off because everyone knew he was an asshole. Instead, he felt a hole in his stomach. He already missed the case. 

“That’s odd,” Dennis said. 

“What’s odd?” Ted jumped up. 

“I got a very strange email.” 

Ted knocked his chair over, darting to Dennis’ side. 

“Very strange indeed. Let me help,” Ted said, looking over Dennis’ shoulder. An electrical pulse of excitement coursed through his body. Another mystery.